21.06.10 Karak Highway

look at the flower...





just look at the sun set... nice rite?? hmm...

it was supposed to be a lovely day for me to rest...
but since there is a praying session that needs to be done at karak... well...
cause of dad's foot has hurt and needs to drive quite far road...
so i've got to go...
i wished that i dint go.. so i could rest at home... but then... haiz...
must go... dad's leg in pain...

then went to karak...
all along the way was raining... then drizzle...
then baaammm!!
thunderstrike... omg...
so hard to drive...
somemore its with the damn idiot accord... omg...

but well... i've reach there...
i dint regret of going there...
the karak highway is quite far...
but then...
i've tried a hainanese restaurant... my own surname de family...
cause of hainanese came from an only ancesstor...
so when there is a person that is a FOO, or hainanese...
we would be known to be brother's or sister's...
depending on the background and the different badge de...
their food... especially their cakes and their coffee and tea...
it was superb... so nice...
wish to eat again... hahahaha

then the praying spot...
the place was like genting 3 times...
i meant the slope... it was like nearly to a 80 degrees of slope... it was difficult for a normal automatic car...
luckily the car that we drove was a manual...
but it also caused the car hardly to move up...
omg...
after rev-ing up to 5,000 rotation...
we have reached... we were very lucky...
because there is a family that waited since morning 8am to that time...
the time was bout 5.30pm..
omg... so early till that time only can ask the prayers...
hmmm.. so cham...
we were lucky because it was time for our turn... and we came in just a few minutes... then it was our turn...
i took the liberty of walking here and there...
checking out sceneries and the site...
the place is like a fortress built up on the hill... omg... so high up...
then behind the place is a jungle sloping downwards...
but the front gate... facing the jungle in front... omg... plus with the sunseting...
omg... it was so nice... so beautiful....
and the pics are just as on top...
so beautiful.... rite??

hmmm....

dear... i tot of writing the honey star thingy here...
but the more i think of ur status now, i tend to be more sad...
there are many happenings dear...
nothing that we could do at all...
if i'm a specialist in that field, i might can help...
all i could do now is to support dear whereever dear needs me...
i wish to be in front of u and hug u till tight tight...
i also wish that i could ease ur sufferings and make it together's sufferings...
i wish the best is the problems would be lighter rather than so heavy...
hopefully everything we'll pass through together peacefully..

life is like a game...
when u want it, u dun have it...
and when u have it, u dont appreciate it...
but when u dun have it...
its time for u to appreciate it...

one of the movie has brainwashed my mind to kept this sentence in mind...

"how many 10 years do u have??"
it means a lot...
try to think...
when ur loved ones are still here, please everyone...
appreciate them before u cant and regret for ur life!!

dear... hopefully everything is ok...
u know how badly i want to be there...
u also know that how badly i wanna hug u right nw...
hopefully u could understand my feelings too...
i wanna understand ur feelings as well...
i wanna know how r u now...
although its very bad mood and emo...
but i'll bear with it...
dear... i wish to know how is the situation now...

BUT...
all the wishing is just wish...
it cant be reality....
the hopes is praying...
but the wishings will neva be true...
for instance...
goin to ur house now and hug u like mad...
coming to ur house in front of ur mum and dad with ur family and hug u...
i'm now as sad as dear...
dear maybe experiencing on ur life how worst it could be...
but looking at ur problems, and knowing ur misery...
plus can only see...
and see dear suffer...
how could i be better than dear???
i couldnt help dear at all...
i couldnt ease dear at all...
i couldnt do this and that for dear...
all i could do is see dear suffer with the problems and misery... hmmm..:(

yesterday 15.06.2010

the day started very nice where me and my honeystar...

went for a morning breakfast at ss2...

after that breakfast... me and my dear was to attend a meeting for YEC at 10am...

so we went for the meeting...
chilling...
chatting...
relaxing...
talking...
shouting...
discussing....
as so on....

while discussing with KING on the events for the futsal competition...
he told me he saw cars being towed from KPD A...
then i was like shocked...
thinking for my car whether is it mine or not..
quickly i told my dear to go down...

in the end... YUP!!
it got towed!! omg... u freaking people!!
then KING said that he saw words on the car that was being towed... and then its silver...
funny thing is luckily he dun know that was my car... if he knows... and he dint call for it... then i'm going to shoot him... anyways... he dint know.. what to do?
hmm... i got to know that its from DBKL from KING as well...

what to do...?? luckily KING was so nice to bring me there and help me on the case...
then we went to there with the help of my mum coming to college and collect me.... :(

then reaching the place, the guy there told us to get ic photostated... then waited for awhile when we reach back... to go and take sumpah letter... omg... can say everything all together?? making us running up and down just to finished the process... gila de!! some more the guy insist on rm355 for everything...
then we say we are students lo.. this la that la...
we tot that he was so good that he so quickly dropped the payment to RM205... but then i found out that the payment could be reduced de... omg... that guy ar... the rate is actually rm355... but when the person is there, he is able to reduce to rm205... omg...

nvm.. when finished everything... went home and sleep until 7.30pm...
fetched my sis back home and went out to play basketball with the gang...

how i wish the moments will last forever... (this is not gay shit... but its friendship :P)
we had fun on playing the game... although played like mad... lost like mad... but we eventually won the last game and enjoyed the whole evening...
later we went to shisa and watched the Brazil vs North Korea... then we played cho di there as well... while waiting for the match to begin...

at first.. my cards are like so bad.... but coming to the end... my cards seem better...
there is 2 rounds of 3 tai Ds... when i got 3 Ds... and then i laughed... but it was no ordinary laugh... it was wicked but funny... its like "kekekeke" + "muahahaha" hahahaha... try to imagine la... hahaha...

laughed all night... until nonstop.. then while was going back home... the shisa guy came and kacau jason... kept scolding and joking on bad words... laughing as well... then while they we playing, the shisa topple and dropped and then the charcoal went all over jason's pants... hahaha... causing him to have 3 burned holes on the pants... hahahaha... played too much...

in the end, we watching the first half and raced back home to bath and sleep...
today headache till now(wednesday 16.06.2010, pasar malam day!!! but cannot go... haiz...:( )
worst of all... the match ended in Brazil 2-1 North Korea.. ( information given from my dear... hahaha)

so heart sick

i really hate dis feeling right now.. i rather dun wan to feel.. at all...!

1st time ever writing blog n is 2 express my sadness.. n my angryness.. n my jealousness.. all in one~ ahh!! i feel so bad!!

i jz hate it when u type a 'muacks' 4 dat gal.. who ever izit.. joking or not~ change it if its me.. giving a kiss 2 another guy wat wil u feel?? i jz cant stand it!! i noe i get de real one.. but i din noe u really wil do it in msn.. jz so easily flirting vf another gal! argh!!

i jz dun und.. izit dat she has de onli guy friend which is u?? i tot she has de whole college of friends?? n den?? must call u?? n u can jz immediately go fetch her?? i hate de scene dat she is sitting beside u in de car.. i dun even wana look... she is a nice friend 2 me.. but sorry i cant take it!!

i tot she go ur hse on9?? her hse cant on 9 ma?? u told her wat ever u told me.. bout ur best friend n gf.. she seems to noe everything more den me~.. i dun like it!! y izit she is so special?? i really hate everything!! argh i duno wat else 2 express.. n u nicely brought her into ur room.. hello.. i oso scare of ur mum.. when ur mum is in de hall.. i m also there downstairs.. y izit u cant jz leave her downstairs.. u noe it dat i mind.. n yet u do it.. u had a choice.. it is nt dat u dun hv a choice.. u chose a choice dat knowingly dat i'll mind most..

n have her til now.. have ur dinner 2gete?? o yea.. u also jealous i had 4 hrs vf him la.. den wat bout u??hw long r u vf her?? u count n c..say u not feeling well n yet went out vf de gang.. bawa her sekali.. thank you so much 4 making me feel like dis.. I HATE IT SO MUCH!! I DUN LIKE DIS FEELING!! ARGH!!

Crisis of 3 dilemmas...

05.06.10 Friday
Today… was my day of my 2nd exam…
It was a suffering day because yesterday dint sleep at all,
And then was sick with fever and sore throat…
At night, wrote the notes badly with sweating body and the head was like spilling water…
Two towels have been wet by me… imagine that…
After the morning exam of MKT208, Brand management
I was so happy that I could have lunch with my dear…
Went to the pet shop after the departure lounge whereby Jen wants to take his salary… which he couldn’t…
Then after that… went to eat nearby the stall…
The hours went pretty fast…
Then after sending my dear…
I felt so left out… I left my dear again sitting alone there…
When I reached home, I was supposed to sleep…
Dint sleep and went out again with Jason to ampang…
Sat until late 7.30pm… because of some riot out at the American Embassy…
Caused us to stuck in the car for an hour of traffic…
When we had dinner with my mum, and after sending Jason home…
My mum passed me a clip to listen from her phone…
Problems starts…

The argument was with my mum…
I started nice talking… but she kept shouting about the case and how miserable she is…
This la… that la… Noises…
Then when I reached home, I asked my dad about the incident and understand the situation…
My head completely went from stressed to over-stressed and headache…
Headache until pain deep within…
I dun know what to do…

Anyone out there…
Have u ever tried to have dilemma in a way which u could only see and cant do anything bout it??
Have u ever tried of have the same situation with 3 -4 situations with the same time??
Then have u ever tried of having these problems… and u are stucked in a middle of the way, dun know what or how to ease their feelings or stress??
And if they ever told u and expressed their feelings, and u couldn’t even help them to ease a bit of their stress and couldn’t share with them…??
Anyone?
I have…
I have it terribly and miserably…
Tired and not stopping… dun know where to stop… how to stop… and what makes you to stop…
One is my mother… dilemma for me dun know how to help her…
Another One is my dad… dilemma for me dun know how to help her… worst of the worst…
Lastly is my dear… dilemma for me dun know how to help her… which hurt me even more…
Dear… I’m not saying that u r not sharing the burden with me and blaming u… No No… dun misunderstand k? if u r reading this… and mostly u will…
I’m hurt because I could have used words that u think I was shouting to u…
I would even shout to dear…
I’ll never will…
I’ll never even want to break ur heart for something that is my problems to be faced…
I wish everytime that I could hug u and say sorry for causing dear to be emo…
This is not the first… I know… the more I say sorry… the more I feel guilty…
Its because I kept repeating this mistake… the same mistake that I caused dear…
I’m really really sorry…
When I see my mum, and the stress from her… it hurts me badly…. Because not only I couldn’t have done my best for her… but dint even shared her feelings as well…
And when added with my dad, only could see and not helping anything…
Not that I dun wanna help him… even himself couldn’t do anything bout it and I have no idea of it…
Then I tend to be down… very in dilemma and see how he and my mum suffers…
When added with dear… I couldn’t help myself… I wish to express all the feelings to dear on the phone asap… but thinking bout the credit is low, dad insufficient of money… and the bank money of mine is getting lesser, but adequate for me to use still… I prefer sms-ing dear…
But then, if I sms dear, the feelings couldn’t be shown by no tone of speaking… it makes dear more emo…
And when I call dear… I’ll make dear even more emo…
So I preferred to make dear less emo… (but I know I made it worst…)
Even when I went out with the gang… I was sitting down there… emo-ing without my sound coming out from my mouth…
I was so down with all the dilemmas I’m suffering…
Now is 4am and I’m writing this feelings of mine down to kept it in here so that I’ll try to make this gone soon as soon as my dad is free from the financial crisis… if not, I’m so sry dear… I’ll never stop… I’m so sry…
This is because that this is my family and I got to deal with it…
I know this is my selfishness and my stubbornness of being this idiot here… but I have no choice to bear with the things with them…
Although it will be hard for me and dear as well… but dear… I’m so sorry that u’ll have to deal with my attitude and behavior for now… I’ll try to sms u whenever I’m free of mind, or free of stress-thinking…
I know this is selfish thoughts of mine, but I’m just trying to ease dear’s mind from being emo…
If there is another way, please do tell me… I’ll accept de… I’ll try to follow too…
Other than that, I dun know what I could do… even for now… I dun even know I could carry on with my 2nd degree… but mostly is cannot d…
Although I hope so badly for the second degree, but then when times like this… I got to help the family and not pursue my dreams for the moment…
I know I shouldn’t be saying this many times… but I’m really sorry for the actions and talking to dear k? I didn’t really mean it… its because the smses have no tone to show that I’m talking to dear in a sad way…
Dear, how could I be angry with dear… no matter what dear has done, I’ll always smile to dear… and laugh with dear about the mistakes… hmmm… I hope u know what’s my feelings right now…
Dilemma in so many ways and seeing all of them suffer without helping them or comfort them or share their burden together… especially dear which I cant even see u… hug u… kiss u… and more… omg!!
I miss dear so much… I wish that I could really hug u at that moment… when I say things to dear an tell dear… its my fault… for writing something that could have caused this misunderstanding…
I know its my fault… and I’m depressed of it… 
Dear… hopefully u could forgive me on that sms that misunderstood u… and hopefully u could bear with me on my behavior and attitude on my feelings…
Its already 4.10am by now… I know I’m writing too long and now I should be sleeping…
I dun really wanna repeat the things that have been done before like that IDIOT done to dear… I’ll never want to even try if I knew it….
Dilemma makes people like me down… no matter how strong is the person…. The person may be weak inside… that’s me… I may look strong, but my weak-point will always be my family and dear… I’ll always lose this to everyone…
Its because all of u are so important to me…

25.05.10 and 27.05.10

25.05.10
It was a Tuesday for this week…
I went to my dear’s house for the first time so early…
I was so happy by then…. Can see her on a Tuesday morning…
and pass to her my self-made 2 bottles of stars….
I told her she was my honey star ma…
Then I mai give her stars lo… hahahaha…
Dear…. Did u love it?? Hehehe…

After that, we went to Dr café and have our tea-time…
Coffee break…
For her, was a caramel ice blended and a mocha Ice blended for myself..
Both of us have our own lappys and then being doing our own work…
Omg.. although we were like so close… but then there was like a barrier among us…
I wish everyday we would be together.. but once a while we got to like this also ma rite??
This feeling is like u do urs and I’ll do mine… dun disturb each other…
Omg… hmm… then verene came by and chatted for awhile before she went home…
It was like so sien for her to see two honeystars together… hahaha…
(although I wanna say love birds… but then its common… so… Watever~~)
After that, we went to a mamak known as the bestari o… ate kambing, maggi goreng, roti canai, and one coke… it was so hungry for me…
The whole day only ate with my dear… wantan mee.. (bought by dear’s sis’s bf… confusing huh?) hahaha
Then bread only in the morning… dear also was hungry rite?? Hahaha
Then ended de day d… it was so fast… so fast like mad…
The time passes like only a few hours to me…

27.05.10

This day we went to one utama and watch the prince of Persia… it was interesting movie but the movie and the game was totally different…
Prince of Persia, the person wasn’t an ordinary person… he was actually origin of a prince rather than a citizen in that country itself… hahaha
Anyways… after the movie… my dear and I walk to a padini store nearby body shop in One Utama…
I insisted that I walk in with her to the fitting room… then tried the clothes and stuff… so pretty when different clothes went on with her… but she looked like a Barbie doll changing… so fast one… and then so fast the other…
The sad part is the traumas she had… omg… I know when its at night…
Dear… whatever that he had done… it’s a past… try to use me to overcome the traumas… its ok… I dun mind…
I’ve told dear adi… its very sad to hear this and I cant be at ur side to hug or kiss u… its so hurting….
I’ve also told dear… the traumas will be gone when u r with me…
So feel free to tell me k? u told me be4, anything happens.. we overcome it together k??
Ok? Next time tell me everything o… ok?? I wanna know how bad was he to u… and I’ll make sure myself wont be the same way that he is… he’s a jerk k??

Anyways… coming along… dear… people that looked at the pic in the padini store said that u looked skinny… quite good body… omg… once I realized… the pics are like below… so ngam ngam changed the looks of dear… that angle shot looks as if u r really skinny… omg… so beautiful and easily faking people… rite? Rite? Hahahahahaha… blek:P

and then right away when i reach home... i slept at the chair after 5 mins sitting there... hahahaha

25.05.2010... this was the bothering jealousy of me...:(

25/ 05/2010
JEALOUSY OF ME!!:(
From yesterday until today I have been not sleeping and kept thinking about the same time all over again and again…
Which it makes me mad and drives me crazy…
It made me emo, sad, and depressed everytime I think of it…
It neva stops haunting me…
I wasn’t able to sleep at all…
It was so cold… depression is all over my body…

Its because my dear went out with her ex again…
He was already an idiot in life…
I told her many times to talk him out and use many ways to shoo him off…
But the thing is… she couldn’t say no to him at all..
And to everyone else.. that’s her weakness… I was able to overcome it..
But the thing is that guy was so persistent… the more he sms my dear… the more I’m angry…
And the more I’m angry… I cant release it out… the more I suffer…
The messages gives me the feelings that he kept getting hopes on my dear…
I dun wanna lose u dear… I dun want… but its giving a bad bad bad feeling and it makes me emo bout it…
The more he kept replying to him… or talk to him… the more I get depress…
I know I shouldn’t be doing this… but I’m so jealous that he could get all he want… I dint…

Dear… if u realize…
Our dinner time together was just an hour and a half… but today’s dinner for dear with him was very very long… did u realized that the time u spent with him was so long??
Everytime we go out for dinner… no matter in Korean restaurant with the gang or the steamboat in sunway, we always have to rush back home?? And I muz be accurate at all of the timing?? Why muz I be?? Why muz I be accurate??
Today, he had the time all with dear… from 8.00pm at dear’s house and until 12am..
Went to his place through the road summore… u know how that strikes me?? Its so pain… I know I’m jealous of the time… but why is it everytime is so hard for us to be together??
Other than that, why he has the privilege to bring dear to go so far?? So much time at the night… which I want to spent with dear…
All I wish is a day where there will be no problems, no misunderstandings, nothing to bother us to have a nice dinner until 12am… that’s all…
But this day seems to be no where between us…
I’m really depressed….
Other things like u know he is persistent on u… why still go out with him?? He haven’t lose the hope on dear because what I think, he still gains the hope from dear… (I might be thinking too much… but its seems true to me)
Maybe its ur mum’s idea… I dun mind u go out with him… but the thing is… could it be earlier back home?? I’m so worried that he does something to u and I’m not there to help or assist u…
All I could see will be dear getting hurt already with regretting… and I couldn’t help dear at all…
I’m so worried until I’m waiting to rush to the place at that time…
I’m sked that dear have not a chance to push him away and call me…
By that time… its like rice becum porridge d…. I’m so worried that moment will happen…
U know that guy isn’t a normal guy… he’s forceful.. he forces anything out of u…
I dint wish to write this blog dear… I neva meant to hurt anyone in here…
I dint say I dun let u to go out with ur ex… I did too… but the thing is we dun have any feelings for each other anymore and I have u adi…
The differences is… he is madly inlove with u still… which I cant stop him… and both of u goes out until late night… and made me depress more than last time dear was…
It stroked me so hard… I barely could breathe… dear knows he is deeply mad bout u… and u still went for it… maybe u dint have a choice… but why couldn’t u come home earlier?? Why dint u call him to go and fetch dear earlier??
The more the time u 2 spent together… the more I think we will be separating faster….
U know from the traumas I’ve been through… it was the same thing happened to me be4… it was so depress when I found out…
They just told me… I prefer my ex… not that u r no good… u r better than them… but I prefer them than u… they know their ex are bad, treats them no good, disrespects them in so many people… but then, they preferred a bad one rather than a good one…
They prefer to be this way… until they met with a barrier… and found out that their ex has another one… they still goes for them… rather than me… this is what I dun understand… all the same situation as dear…
Its just the same… this makes me the same feelings which I will never forget and it happens again…
Not to say that I dun let dear to contact with him… but just tell him and settle with him… make him lose hope on u first… then only talk to him back… and maybe go out to yumcha also neva mind… but the thing is now, everything is so different… he talks to u… he drives u out… brings u nearby his place… and most of all.. until so late…
And when u were home.. u said that he is trying his best not to kiss u… I was so helpless… I couldn’t stop him… I couldn’t protect u… I couldn’t do anything!! That made me so depress even more…
If I dun know bout it, and suddenly dear tells me… I’m still in a worrying situation…
But if seeing my dear walking into a trap and watching it although without seeing it live…. It makes the person more depressed and more sad… cant even do anything bout it… this makes me even more depressed and mad… all I could see is dear suffering and getting traumas more…
I dun wanna see dear in that shape… I dun wanna see dear with all kinds of trauma… I dun want…
I DUN WANT!! I just dun want… u know how is it feel like if u know what is going on with ur loved one and u are helpless to help them?? The pain is so suffering…. Cant breathe at all!!
Dear… I hope when u see this… it will remind u always…. I cant be 24/7 with u all times… I know u could take care of urself… but its limited to a girl’s abilities when confronting a guy… and they are so forceful… omg…
Why am I saying this and my tears kept falling…?? I’m so sad right now and I could see my keyboard and my floor within my specs full of tears…
I might be strong on the outer looks… happy always… playful at all times….
But inner heart of me is fragile and easily affected… gets sad and emotional always… and couldn’t accept any love mistakes or situations to happen… I’m weak in this matter… I’m totally weak… :(
I’m so WEAK…………….
All I could do is write this to dear so that we could avoid the mistakes and quarreling..
I dun want to quarrel… that’s all I care most… I sked I could have misused the temper I have on dear… which I want to prevent of it… but I’m so sad… I cant barely continue with this blogging…..its so pain… I kept putting down my glasses and wiping it so that I wont write something stupid right here… 
That’s all I wanna say… I couldn’t continue…..:(