25.05.2010... this was the bothering jealousy of me...:(

25/ 05/2010
JEALOUSY OF ME!!:(
From yesterday until today I have been not sleeping and kept thinking about the same time all over again and again…
Which it makes me mad and drives me crazy…
It made me emo, sad, and depressed everytime I think of it…
It neva stops haunting me…
I wasn’t able to sleep at all…
It was so cold… depression is all over my body…

Its because my dear went out with her ex again…
He was already an idiot in life…
I told her many times to talk him out and use many ways to shoo him off…
But the thing is… she couldn’t say no to him at all..
And to everyone else.. that’s her weakness… I was able to overcome it..
But the thing is that guy was so persistent… the more he sms my dear… the more I’m angry…
And the more I’m angry… I cant release it out… the more I suffer…
The messages gives me the feelings that he kept getting hopes on my dear…
I dun wanna lose u dear… I dun want… but its giving a bad bad bad feeling and it makes me emo bout it…
The more he kept replying to him… or talk to him… the more I get depress…
I know I shouldn’t be doing this… but I’m so jealous that he could get all he want… I dint…

Dear… if u realize…
Our dinner time together was just an hour and a half… but today’s dinner for dear with him was very very long… did u realized that the time u spent with him was so long??
Everytime we go out for dinner… no matter in Korean restaurant with the gang or the steamboat in sunway, we always have to rush back home?? And I muz be accurate at all of the timing?? Why muz I be?? Why muz I be accurate??
Today, he had the time all with dear… from 8.00pm at dear’s house and until 12am..
Went to his place through the road summore… u know how that strikes me?? Its so pain… I know I’m jealous of the time… but why is it everytime is so hard for us to be together??
Other than that, why he has the privilege to bring dear to go so far?? So much time at the night… which I want to spent with dear…
All I wish is a day where there will be no problems, no misunderstandings, nothing to bother us to have a nice dinner until 12am… that’s all…
But this day seems to be no where between us…
I’m really depressed….
Other things like u know he is persistent on u… why still go out with him?? He haven’t lose the hope on dear because what I think, he still gains the hope from dear… (I might be thinking too much… but its seems true to me)
Maybe its ur mum’s idea… I dun mind u go out with him… but the thing is… could it be earlier back home?? I’m so worried that he does something to u and I’m not there to help or assist u…
All I could see will be dear getting hurt already with regretting… and I couldn’t help dear at all…
I’m so worried until I’m waiting to rush to the place at that time…
I’m sked that dear have not a chance to push him away and call me…
By that time… its like rice becum porridge d…. I’m so worried that moment will happen…
U know that guy isn’t a normal guy… he’s forceful.. he forces anything out of u…
I dint wish to write this blog dear… I neva meant to hurt anyone in here…
I dint say I dun let u to go out with ur ex… I did too… but the thing is we dun have any feelings for each other anymore and I have u adi…
The differences is… he is madly inlove with u still… which I cant stop him… and both of u goes out until late night… and made me depress more than last time dear was…
It stroked me so hard… I barely could breathe… dear knows he is deeply mad bout u… and u still went for it… maybe u dint have a choice… but why couldn’t u come home earlier?? Why dint u call him to go and fetch dear earlier??
The more the time u 2 spent together… the more I think we will be separating faster….
U know from the traumas I’ve been through… it was the same thing happened to me be4… it was so depress when I found out…
They just told me… I prefer my ex… not that u r no good… u r better than them… but I prefer them than u… they know their ex are bad, treats them no good, disrespects them in so many people… but then, they preferred a bad one rather than a good one…
They prefer to be this way… until they met with a barrier… and found out that their ex has another one… they still goes for them… rather than me… this is what I dun understand… all the same situation as dear…
Its just the same… this makes me the same feelings which I will never forget and it happens again…
Not to say that I dun let dear to contact with him… but just tell him and settle with him… make him lose hope on u first… then only talk to him back… and maybe go out to yumcha also neva mind… but the thing is now, everything is so different… he talks to u… he drives u out… brings u nearby his place… and most of all.. until so late…
And when u were home.. u said that he is trying his best not to kiss u… I was so helpless… I couldn’t stop him… I couldn’t protect u… I couldn’t do anything!! That made me so depress even more…
If I dun know bout it, and suddenly dear tells me… I’m still in a worrying situation…
But if seeing my dear walking into a trap and watching it although without seeing it live…. It makes the person more depressed and more sad… cant even do anything bout it… this makes me even more depressed and mad… all I could see is dear suffering and getting traumas more…
I dun wanna see dear in that shape… I dun wanna see dear with all kinds of trauma… I dun want…
I DUN WANT!! I just dun want… u know how is it feel like if u know what is going on with ur loved one and u are helpless to help them?? The pain is so suffering…. Cant breathe at all!!
Dear… I hope when u see this… it will remind u always…. I cant be 24/7 with u all times… I know u could take care of urself… but its limited to a girl’s abilities when confronting a guy… and they are so forceful… omg…
Why am I saying this and my tears kept falling…?? I’m so sad right now and I could see my keyboard and my floor within my specs full of tears…
I might be strong on the outer looks… happy always… playful at all times….
But inner heart of me is fragile and easily affected… gets sad and emotional always… and couldn’t accept any love mistakes or situations to happen… I’m weak in this matter… I’m totally weak… :(
I’m so WEAK…………….
All I could do is write this to dear so that we could avoid the mistakes and quarreling..
I dun want to quarrel… that’s all I care most… I sked I could have misused the temper I have on dear… which I want to prevent of it… but I’m so sad… I cant barely continue with this blogging…..its so pain… I kept putting down my glasses and wiping it so that I wont write something stupid right here… 
That’s all I wanna say… I couldn’t continue…..:(