"The Dream I would never forget"

It may sound so perverted mind that I have, but that is what i got on my dream.

But to me, Its so sad, pain, miserable and heartbreaking.

A unforgetable dream ever.

I would never forget the dream that I had. It was a night, having my dinner alone at a bar. Some city which i was in. Kinda crowded, I was alone.

Then came that "A", my love of my life, walking in with another perverted person, "Z". "A" was like a personal assistant look in the attire. With the same short skirt that she has, Brown clothes and just a normal specs. Looked so pretty.

But then, the "Z" knew that I was in love with "A" and both of us was like looking at each other, with a distance. That eyes, looked sad but loving eyes, were staring at me. I was then staring at them having their some sort of date dinner. But i knew that it was like being forced or something.

Then "Z" started to shout and scold at "A". All of the sudden, it became so violent. "Z" started to slap her, beat her and even kicked her once. I stepped out from my table and quickly rushed to the table and tried to stop. "Z" was like a boss to "A", where "A" isn't supposed to do anything else but listen and follow.

"A" stopped me. Slapped me once using her right hand. Scolded me for being too busy body. But as the tears rolled down, I know she was helping me and covering my back from being hit. But as her tears rolled, she scolded me that we aren't together anymore, cant be together anymore and would needed that "Z"'s help for some reason. He was like a doctor, but a witch doctor. He laughed and smile as she shouted and scolded me. Even I said he wasn't supposed to treat her like that, but she didnt listen and slapped me once more. The love was there, just that she didnt want to show it.

I was so helpless. I cant even help her. "Z" knew that as well and started to force her into his arms. Started rapidly kissing her as she tries to force away from him. I tried to rush back, she just shouted at me that don’t come any closer and don’t try anything to stop him. Let him do anything that he would want on her.

I could only stare and cry at my table. I couldn’t do anything at all. Like strapped up on the chair miserably cant move as my love was being raped. As “Z” knew I couldn’t do anything at all, “Z” started to rape her on the table. Grasped her hands on the table and started tearing up her clothes and being to rape her. I could bearly watched the whole scene. I could only hear her screams of being forced and her cries with tears asking “STOP”.

The feeling was so hard to bear. Just only hear the screams of her life and not doing anything about gives my heart to pound so hard and hardly could breath. I cant breath all of the sudden. After “Z” had all his manners being done, “Z” just kicked her to the side and called her a whore. It was so pain. Until now, the feelings of me being at so much pain at are still here. My heart is so pain. I really couldn’t look.

As “A” stood up from where she was left at, the humiliation and pain, as everyone could only see and just couldn’t do anything. I just went over and covered her with my jacket. I couldn’t stop my tears to fall, cried so badly, so helpless. No words could ever explain that moment even up to now. “A” was in shocked state, having the moments like that, she couldn’t imagined that would happened. But I couldn’t do anything. I felt so pain and so bad of myself couldn’t do a small thing for her.

I banged my head on the wall, striking each time on the wall as my head starts to bleed. I could have stopped banging my head on the wall. Punching every strength that my fists have on the wall as my head banged on the wall. That pain was so indescribable and until now, It was so pain. =( so much pain even worst pain that my wrist was cut deeply. I felt like dying at that very moment.

Maybe was the dream, but i’m very sure that the pain had woke me up. I didnt want the dream to come to me like that. I never even thought of it. but the feelings was so much real. its not about the incident. Its bout me on that feeling. The feeling was so pain until I could barely breath. I really banged my head on the wall once. My tears bags just like got punctured. Tears and pain all over my body. The feeling became so real and so pain. I am so much in pain, quickly messaged “A”, but didn’t know I was treated like as she have scolded me and ignored me in reality. Add on pain. I know it was a dream, but that moment was so much pain. Adding on the pressure that I was having, I couldn’t sleep at all until now.

I am super tired, crazily sleepy but i just couldn’t sleep at all. I just don’t want this dream to happen to me once more. I love you, “A”. I love you very much even though you are not by my side, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt. The whole day, I was thinking only of you. That’s all I did. Then that dream, that moment, the incident in the dream.

With the dream and thinking of you, I could hardly concentrate today. I just couldn’t bear with that much pain going on in my life. Loving someone is already very hard. Moreover was by loving someone that the person told you there aren’t any more feelings on you. Add on was the distance between the relationship and the attitude that was replied on me.
I kept saying how pain was I is because I really thought of ending my life again. I couldn’t bear with the pain more. The moments of that, really needed “A” to be at my side, Hugging me telling me that it was a dream. At least the reply came, it said was a dream. But then, move on? With this feeling and dream just happened to me, move on to where? How am I supposed to move on with the feeling of dying wasn’t enough?
Its very pain. I tried cutting myself just to see how it bleeds, looking at the blood came out from my veins and skin. The thick red blood and pain was just little compared to the pain I’ve been through. Moving on? That’s why I say that its easier said that done. My love for you would never change. This I have proved to you even for so long period of time. I barely talk to you like usual. I barely hear your voice or your smiles. Only looking at the pictures that we had, the smiles on your face, was the happiest moment of my life. Simply because I know that I’m the one putting the smile on your face.

But now.. how am i to live without you?

I know now you might think that time would fade my love away. Let time decide for the fading process. But i can say that the time has not even scratched a bit of my love away for you. Not even close. In fact, the love has build more day by day creating the pain so much to bare with as well.

U should know, How much I have loved you. I know you have been ups and downs for it as well. Even you don’t mention about it, i know. I really do. I really know. Its no more “I want or I wish”, but it became “why don’t we?”

Why don’t we try to let the sad past on with our lives, live among the pain that has pasted and let us learned so much on both of us? The sadness that we have been through, leaves it in our hearts, and just learned from it? Try to be together again, simply just try. We have nothing to lose. Why not try to end the suffering between us and try to be happy with each other once more? A million “no” to me is just a number of tries. I wouldn’t want to find someone else to replace you. No one can replace you in my heart. Not even a bit or close. You are the love of my life and just you only.

I love you, I love you and ONLY you! Hmm..

I know there isn’t a chance for you to see this at all, I know you not seeing this, but just let here to be posted on my blog, so that I could remember this pain for the rest of my life. Given that a chance to begin again, I would also just choose you and you. Many would tell me how stupid am I when I read this back. But to me, even after years, coming back to this blog, I would never regret my decision being with you. I wouldn’t even think I’m stupid to write all of these. Even after so much things have past through. You are the love of my life and I mean it. After 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, or after my life, looking at this blog would just give me the feeling that once I have loved you and loved you always. My love would not just fade so easily. The depth of my love for you, is such so deep that I would never love again only for you.

Tears are falling down as I am typing all these with my shakey hands. Try once more with me, I wouldn’t make you mad or angry, I would try my best just to make you the happiest girl alive. Think of it. I wouldn’t do much things that you dislike anymore. I really wont. I am sincerely saying I’m sorry for all those things. I know I don’t deserve the second chance. I just would wish for your forgiveness and hope that we could be back once more. I really am.

I love you...=(

"Break Up Club"

This movie was so touching enough that I have decided to post on my own blog so that I would not forget about this movie.

The synopsis was beginning with a guy (played by Jaycee Chan) that was a part time worker, always on the mood for playing and did not bother about his very own future. Until one day, he meet with this girl, changed his life, touched his heart, and decided that they would be together. Jaycee was always much with his friend, Sunny and most of the time with the girl, named Flower, Ah Fa(Played by Fiona Sit). She came from a poor family which has her parents in the hospital due to Dad got stroke and Mum having difficulty of walking. Her younger brother is always being caught by police for drug and illegal social activity. Usually is her sis, Ah fa who bails him out.

Most of the time, the friend, Sunny which has the dream of being a director but always at the very last end, he quits the movie and never gets something done. Therefore, he would always ask Jaycee to help him with the videos of his.

One day, Sunny decided to make a role-playing movie, which shows a real life relationship story, asked Jaycee to pick up as the role of the male actor and video the life of him and his girlfriend, Ah fa. The ups and downs together of them brings so much happiness and touching moments. However, with the behavior of Jaycee playing a fool in his life and always in the part time job of his, he became too much to Ah Fa. Which Ah Fa, needs to clean up the house and work for the family and her own family.

Therefore, she must always work late and always not in a good mood due to Jaycee is always playing a fool and not helping always. creating arguments between both of them . Most of the time, she would be working under much stress and pressure until she just want to lie on him and have a good rest, but she wasnt able to, due to the arguments.

On her very job, at last she receives a project, an event that would need a graphic designer to perform in that event. The graphic designer played by a Japanese, (known as Lies) would need Ah fa to become his personal assistant. From days to weeks, from weeks to months, the project has begin from scratch to a perfect masterpiece. As the relationship as well, Jaycee and Ah Fa's relationship had gone bad to worst and Lies and Ah fa's relationship has gone from a normal date to a complicated lovely relationship. In the midst of the masterpiece, Lies has the feelings for Ah Fa and asks her to join him to pursue his dreams at Barcelona. But Ah fa cant decide on it and tells Jaycee that she is to go to Barcelona but she didnt say that she would be going to Barcelona with Lies.

With the hopes that Jaycee has, he took up more part time jobs, putting effort in everything and hopes that he could earn enough money for Ah fa, so that they could be better in the relationship and enjoy the life together. having his hopes and effort put to the max, he eventually pushes too hard on himself just to make the wish came true for Ah fa. But due to the arguments and quarrels last time, adding on with the working time of Ah fa, the relationship got cold all of the sudden.

One Day, Ah fa could not take it from the arguments from Jaycee and accidentally made a wrong mistake of her life, where she has made an intimate relationship with Lies under Jaycee's back. Therefore, from mysterious to suspicious, Jaycee could not take it, and went to the day's event, The grand event of the Lies's Masterpiece. He actually coincidentally caught Lies and Ah fa having close relationship whereby Lies kissed Ah fa on the forehead. Being so close, Jaycee asked AH Fa not to lie to him and tries to tell the truth. But instead, she still thinks its not the time to tell him, where jaycee was so upset and Lies came back out all of the sudden, Jaycee went berserk when Ah Fa tries to stop him and Lies is there. Lies tries to evade Jaycee's attacks and eventually Jaycee's Leg got injured when he accidentally hit one of the lamps and got his leg broken.

In the hospital, after a big plaster on Jaycee's Leg, Ah Fa decides to tell Jaycee that she would to follow Lies to pursue his dreams in Barcelona. Leaving the relationship once loved aside and follows Lies. The day has come, where she is leaving to Barcelona, she sents a message to Jaycee saying that she would be flying on 10pm. The time was 8.30pm. Jaycee with his big plaster on his foot, grabs two sticks and walks all the way down to taxi stand. With the pain and pressure on his leg, he still goes on to the airport wanting to sent her flight. As he reaches to the airport, since he has walked too much and using the two sticks as his weight to reduce the pressure and pain on his leg, one of the sticks broke and he had to still find for Ah fa.

At last, he has found Ah fa where she is bout to go pass the gate, she saw jaycee walking with the broken stick on his left and the blunt stick on his right. Broke into tears that he was able to come. He had shown that the leg of his was not even as important as compared to her. Therefore with the tears rolling on the both sides, she quickly jumped and hugged him. She had not lose a feeling for him ever since the day they met and he wasnt mad at her for being having intimate relationship with another guy. Forgives her as he dont want her to leave him.

There was a conversation during the time where both of them has, was being recorded, and sounds just like below:-

Ah Fa: Do you feel any difference of me today?
Jaycee: Hmm.. Today you are more beautiful than yesterday.
But during the conversation at the airport, Jaycee asked her back this time, which sounds just like this:-

Jaycee: Do you feel any difference of me today?
Ah Fa: I don’t know what is different of you today. (with her tears still rolling down)
Jaycee: Nothing is different of me today. Simply because my heart for you would never change and my love to you is never different.

Ah Fa broke into heavier tears and hugged him once more. Jaycee then gave her a video camera of both of them, having the happiness and sorrow together. They have been video cam all the time, showing the moments of them together of the discussions like, what were the conversations like, the happy moments, the naugai moments and the sad moments where they were always discussing. What was to happen, what was to become a quarrel and what was to be an argument became a discussion and they planned all moments to solve it. However, lately, it became very less of them discussing and more of arguments. After that, she still needs to go up to the plane that was about to depart. While Jaycee walked out from airport slowly.. He cried along the mid way going back home.

The main part was about Jaycee and Ah fa, Sunny comes at where? He was actually the main person to film the whole story between Jaycee and Ah fa. He decided to join forces with a media director and a famous script writer to record all the moments of them. All three of them had joined forces and decided to film the whole movie. After few months of editing, the movie is finally to show to the public. Jaycee was invited to watch back the whole movie.
But he mentioned that there are many things that weren’t shown on the video. Many things such as, Ah Fa didn’t manage to go to Barcelona simply because when she pasted the gates, she just stopped and cried, looking back at the pictures and videos that they have been through together. Having those moments was like the deepest memories of both of them together.
She was too sad to let go everything, the moments that they have, looking at Jaycee, she recalls that they have many things that couldn’t have let go that easily. The period of them together was short, but the moments were so real and meaningful. They have been arguing, shouting at each other and even showing faces to each other. This have brought them all the sadness and unhappiness simply because of the time spend became lesser and lesser. It has created so much of mess in their relationship.
In the end, she raced back out and hugged Jaycee, soon became back together, worked hard and then made to Barcelona together in the end. Moral of the story, they have been so much together, sees the problem in the relationship, believed that in each other that they could be together just by spending more time by just expressing to each other on how they felt and accepting each other’s feelings.
It has become a movie in the end. How touching where the moments of it, makes people cried while watching.

The movie clip is at the website, Breakup club.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1SAIqh3Pu0

Sleepless nights..

its been so long i have uploaded the blog..
guess no one reads it except myself..
today was a bad day for me...
having the bad things happened over and over again..

and then..
walking pass a bookstore during lunch time..
people's lunch was to eat and rest..
my lunch time for these times was to skip lunch and walk alone...
while walking..

i saw the past of me..
having the days...

although people has moved on..
asked me whether to move on..
but actually..
wats move on?

leaving everything that has past and walk the present?
that is just so wrong..
its to learn from past and try the best for the present..
that its should be...

but walking alone these weeks...
have been seeing myself of my past..
the shadows that i've been through was still there..
memories?

clueless..

being with the past shadows dont seem right...
but all i have now is memories..
i wish the memories to be reality again..
but..
no one would know what am i going through..

people can see my present and just my outer me..
but the sadness and sorrow..
just that the words cant explain the minimum of my sorrow..

days has past..
till weeks..
now.. months..
soon to be years..

the day is coming..
the day that my life changed..
but now.. the day has turned to be something that i wouldnt want at all..
never imagined that this day of mine turns out to be like this..
the sorrow and deep sadness cant be explained...
i am not good with words..
never did..
but these days.. walking the past of me..
brought me back so much memories..
having in my mind..
is just like playback from a video box..

but all i see now is shadow of the days..
its not a easy thing..
its never letting go that is the thing..
its just not a easy thing that i could bear with..
walking with the shadows of the past seems so unbearable..
its just not me now..

just like a deep cut that would never heal..
having this cut..
bleeding everyday..
just wont heal at all..
not even a bit..

everyday.. to the night..
hurts me so badly until i wish that i could end my life now..
the misery and pressure that i have faced..
not my work..
not my stress..
its the pain i am going through..
seems so not me..
until having sleepless nights..
till now..
not having to sleep more than an hour a day..
looking at things over and over in my own room..
the memories came once with the glance of the memories..
the days of my happiest moments..

i wish to be happy again..
bring happiness to everyone..
showing how sweet i could be..
showing how happy i was..

but now.. i din even want to bring anything to anyone..
just me sitting alone here..
praying and hoping that the day would be back..
its a hard thing..
but i'm hoping the best..
walking again the happiest days of my life again..

sleeping less and all those thinking of mine...
have just ruined my body..
the healing would never start..
but the sorrow and sadness just brings the worst of me..
having the moments until the sun rises..

everyday like this..
i have tried ending my life..
trying to end the sorrow i am having..
but it was bring much pain to my family..
asking and worrying of my health and much of it..

but this couldnt help much..
i care for my family..
but this couldnt end at all..
its not what i must do..
its what i should do..
there is always a but in everything..
cause everything seems to be linked...
linked until i cant breath for the moment..
passed out few hours and no one even notice..
having countless of faint moments..
blackouts..
total darkness..

but since no one seems to care..
no one seems to worry of me..
except me bringing the bad deeds..
everyone sees bad in me..
what did i do?
i am also a human with feelings..
and feelings i couldnt bear with it..
i dont want people to worry..
i just want people to care..
its just so simple..

but its just what i did..
which i din meant it was..
being brought to another reason..
and small misunderstandings happen..
till a big disaster..

all of the past..
sweet memories can be remembered..
past pain can be forgotten..
why didnt it was chose to be forgotten except keeping it in..
the pain beared and sorrow..
choose it to be kept aside and never brought up..

all of that was a past to me..
having the past walking in my mind and soul..
its something its not easy to bear..
dont mention of walking off and not think of it..
like everyone says..
Move On..

that word seems to be done easily..
like throwing the sweet memories that was being done..
into the sea and let it drown like no one business?
its not something that i would do..
cause the memories once made..
was always be there..

today went out to walked..
left half an hour..
walking the places over and over again..
sat on a taxi..
looking at the road that passed by..
not that i am looking for my work purpose..
just that i have spend enough to just take a glimpse of what was past..
never even wish or hope that would happen like that..
going to the places where were once happy moments..
till i past a alley..
which i will never forget..
the sadness and sorrows that had begun..
the pain and misery that was started..
and till now..
have not ended..
and the pain keeps getting more and more..

unbearable feeling..
emotional thoughts..
the pain hasnt ended..
and the wound has not healed a single bit..
just bleeding and bleeding..
i wonder when would the flow of my blood ends...
i guess it wouldnt..
such deep cut..
to the level that i couldnt even stop the blood even with the pressure..

just having sleepless nights is just not me..
i was a person sleeping everywhere i go..
used to have good dreams and sweet moments in the dreams..
but now having a good rest on my bed seems a very hard thing to be done with..
sleeping is just a word to me now..
resting is just another..
bad dreams is just normal for me..
nightmares is just often..
and sad and unwanted cases of dreams happening every moment when i close my eyes for the few hours..
the moments which i was having..
the sadness...
which always wakes me up with tears all over my swelling eyes..

people sees me that i have changed..
the days of me being a happy and sweet person..
turns to be a zombie-like human..
with all the sadness all over my face..

the dreams i had..
is just me that i did not even want it to happen..
i just wish for a good dream that happen..
but just then..
waking up with tears..
i knew i was in still the reality that i wouldnt even thought of happening..
seems to be a sickness in me..
soon i would just walk on my own..
to another world that i not known..
having the misery to be put to the end..
is just when i'll catch my last breath to the very end..

as now..
body swelling..
past wounds gets bigger..
and healing is just not happening...
i am just not me now..
it would just not end slowly at all..
it will just go on and on..
till the very last breath of mine..
until the day where i'll will have my long sleep..:(