what is the meaning of caring?

Sometimes i wonder, why must I care about?

1. Care a bit less for the person - why you care for me so little? why are you not caring enough?
2. Care a little more - why you kept bothering me? leave me alone la..

Why are we being from lovers to haters? haters to ignorance?

what is happening? what did I do wrong? care more also wrong, care less also wrong. just nice you think I'm being fake.

It was always your decision to say anything to do. I am not pushing any of my responsibilities to you. I'm not blaming you for everything you have done.

Your decision to stop everything, stop our relationship, stop your chats to me, stop everything and it is everything. How am i to tell you anything?

there was no real conversation between us. its was just talking and talking but without any tolerance on each side. For a clap to happen, there is always both sides to be blamed. not only one person as in me only.

I know it was my fault, but i also know that its not entirely my fault. not that i want to blame you on it as well or anything. but it was both of us. the problem was always in us.

Anything also its ok, never mind, and etc. leaving the problem like that, causing us to argue and quarrel everytime. Dont you see it as well? You might think that the problem was solved, but it hasnt. it always brought back into our argument. nevertheless, all the quarrels relates to every problem we have.

I tried to make it up. I have tried to show how sorry i was. I have also apologize my mistakes. is it all my mistakes? all mine only? even i dun think so, but i had to take all the mistakes and fault myself. I brought myself down, leaving all the dignity and everything as a man. apologizing and showing how sorry am i for that day. I am making things up. it takes time. not a second i'm sorry, the next i'm not.

Even that you are ignoring me, I dun know you would be seeing this or not. I dont mind. I put in everything for you. Just for you. what else you want and what else I didnt do? whats more? How am i to know whether what you want when you just play ignoring?

Its ok. Its enough? I want to make a decision just for us. I want to have those days back. I have waited long enough for this very day to come. when you are able to end your studies and have more time. you have more dances and classes, I dont care. I dont care that you have no more time at all. All i want was like those days, where you can spend time for me a little, going out for dinner once a while and have the chats and smiles for me, having the long hour chats instead of quarreling and many others we used to do.

I really am out of my mind. All i want and All i decided, its all up to waste when you just dont want it. you might think its done, just like that. A switch to on and off? is it our relationship so easy?

The two days, where i got the time and money back, to just go out with you. Was the moment that I would not forget and I would give anything just to have it back. Is it so hard to give it to me back? why is it so hard? I am totally clueless and lost. What was the thing that made you so hard on your decision?

I have thought so long. causing me having sleepless nights for these past months. Having sleeping pills wasnt going to bring me to sleep well. You were the light of my life. but now, the light has gone. Total darkness. every night has come, i had to think of ways to make myself rest. I am having the pressure because you have left me. now, ignoring me as well. what did I do? I wasnt jealous anymore. I wasnt the kind of guy would simply angry because of small things.

Those two days, What i have shown you was the change in me. I wasnt talking to you much anymore by those days. I have seen back the messages and everything. I know most of your timetable, but i dont know all of your timing and decisions on something. Its not that I must know or anything, Its just a small wording about it, and I'll respect that to the very end.

So what did I do now? is it because we are having the routines to much? if you dont want, just say it. let me know that you dont want so many times of the routine. I'm clueless if you dont tell. I'm not the person that would know if you dont tell. We dont have telepathy minds. If it is the case, just let me know. Is that so hard to tell?

In a relationship, if one party is not willing to let the other person know, this leads to like this. Dont you see it?

I am now very down because not we broke up. its because you decided to just leave me aside and have your happy life. You think you moved on like that and you would be happy again. you are. I can see it. Happy and dont need to even look at me for a moment?

Even to pass me the books back, you are not willing to just see me for the few minutes to bring it to me. Am i that irritating or that ugly person to look at? am I? why you cant just bring it to me?

I tried to let you know, one lunch with me giving the books back to me, sitting facing each other and I wont even touch you anymore. I know we have broke up and we cant cuddle like we used to be. I missed that so much and although i want it badly, but i know we cant. I just want to see you once more. is that so hard to make it up?

Now i feel so stupid that I'm just writing this blog telling out my feelings. I know that you wont read my blogs anymore. I know that I'm just a stupid guy giving so much for things have passed by. But everyone have mistakes. To me, it was just a stupid mistake to let you know my password. I know it was a damn stupid mistake. The more stupid mistake was the decision you had, I have to follow it. I had to be stupid enough to let you go.

But did i have the choice? I dont actually. You said that even if I dont break up, you still will leave me. what was I to do? the moment that i have decision was, to cut my wrist and let it bleed. Not for you, it was for myself. I decided to let me life end just for you. But the decision was just changed by my mum. I had to change my life now?

The more I tried to forget, the more i tried to let you out of my mind, the more you are there in it. I cant stop thinking of you. I really cant stop. Could you even save me once more? Could you?

No point of me saying all these. Cause I know that you wont even look at my blog anymore. I just dont know what I could do with my life without you. I missed all those things that we usually do. I missed those things that we usually say as well. Numbers of you would just pop up every time I tries to forget.

Numbers like "3", "7", "89", '19','11' and many more. It just brings me back to you. Why?? WHYY??? why are we to this extend? Its just not worth it just to wait so long for you, but in the end, when i dun give up anything of you, You gave up on me. You just gave up and walked away like that. the more i tried, the more i got rejected. worst was being ignored.

Come on. Just books to pass to me. is that so hard? was i to ask you to do much? if you dun want to see me, ok. i respect your decision. Ask your sis to come out from your house to pass me the books when you are not around. Is that so hard? Dun wan to see me also have many ways. I'll just call your sister to come out when I'm there. Give me the books and i'll leave for good. I know you dont even want to see my face. I am irritating person to you adi. Whatever i do is just nuisance and nonsense. Whatever I do, to you is nothing. nothing at all.

I just want to make a decision that you would try to follow. I would just want to make everything up for you. I have tried since the day we broke up. Is it just too late? when was the time I broke up with you? it was I'm very very stressed up and i think i couldnt bring happiness to you. I brought you down. But you pulled me back up. Why now you brought me down. I tried to climb back up, but was kicked down again by you. Worst is I'm bout to reach, I just need a hand from you, I got ignored. You dont show me the hand. just let me fall back again.

what has happened? Just for a password? I know it was late that i let you know. But what i remembered was that time, we left with hugs and kisses. then next time was different. it was for something else. you just said that we are just quarreling too much on small matters and I've tried to make it all up. Just for you. But you decided to let go even if I said no about breaking up. You just made it and left. walked out of my car and thats it. I tried to contact you, I tried to message you, I tried everything and everything was just nothing to you.

October, i really thought that you are trying to make it up for me. the pictures we had in the cake shop. I really really thought that my hard work, sitting the taxi, rushing all the way to there, having the ups and downs, just to make it to you. was just worth it. But now I guess not. I am just clapping my hands myself. I want to believe so hard that you are trying to work things out between us. I really do. but then, now, you can see it yourself.

what have i not done to impress you? just tell me the word, I'll make it up for you. just one more chance was it so hard to give to me? at least one more try between us? Just once, all I'm asking for once more. for you once to listen to me. once more only. just once...:(