First day after two years... 27/12/2012

I guess you wont be looking at this blog anymore.

I dont even think you have time to read all my blogs too.

Its not a guess, Its just did.

I have not been updating this blog for a while.

Cause I think I could use the time to forget you.

Once and for all.

But then, today.. i went to One utama, walked the places that we have been through together.

the days was like walking both of us, holding hands, hugging each other, kissing and having the happiest moments of my life.
Its not about moving on. its never for me to move on. I thought i could. maybe you can, but it was never me. I might be myself, but i am not you. I cant just walk away like that. because i know i love you so much.

Today, I went to One utama, went to all the places we have been through, the fitting room at padini concept store, purposely went to the same cubicle that we once had, went to S&J, walked past the corridor, went to FOS, went to the bank, and many more.
There was so much memories between us. I have walked past and I can see shadows of our memories when we were walking there.

Stores and shops might have changed. Things might have been different, but there is one thing that havent change for so long, it was the memories of my love to you. never the less, the love I gave to you. It cant be changed and never be the same to others.

There also wont be others except you. you can dont believe on what ever i have said. there isnt anything to prove on what i did. what i did is only i knew. but there is always this word I would just say. "I love you for life"

This sentence you have once told me, even with the writings you have for me, but then now... you can see it by yourself. what you said and did, totally different.

Its not I want to blame you for not fulfilling your saying. I just wish that you could fulfill what you have said. Its not that i'm not loyal or finding another one. but its just for so small reason where I have not do it. I never would do it again.

I dont wanna repeat anything anymore. all the past is past, all the things are gone is gone. But the love from me, past, present and future, I would and could say this, I would never love anyone else like what i love you for and definitely you are only my love.

People say that after the relationship broke up, reading this back would be very funny and shows how stupid I was last time. From this moment, I could say that I have never regretted in my life of loving you and reading this back, wont be stupid cause it isnt. it never is.

If you are actually reading this, If only you are reading this blog of mine, I have suffered and i know you did. being together back isnt being suffering anymore.

Its not suffering because I would try my best to solve the problems we had before together and use the best solution for every problem that we had. If only you would walk this path with me, and i would be my best for everything. I said it, I mean it.

Presents that i have bought for you, wasnt waiting itself to be pass to you. I never even plan to wait that long. frankly, it was just our anniversary. Our 3rd year anniversary gifts.

I have made my promise to buy you those gifts, I have made my promises and I have kept it. Not all the promises that I have fulfilled, but it would just need to take time to let me progress with that. I need time to fulfill something. I just need it.

If you would need time to see how much I loved you, ok. Wait till you are actually free from your things, and only if you are willing to know. I would not tell you. I would show you instead. You think i might be joking and stupidly saying all this to get you back.

but sadly to say, even coming back after these years looking at this blog back, I wouldnt say how stupid i was on loving you. I would just say, we could be writing happy moments in this blog where we used to have, not all this sad stories of mine talking here. saying how much i love you or need you.

Yes, i admit. i really want you back by my side, you have been my sun when i am in darkness, you have been my panadol when i'm sick, you have been my savior when i need help, and definitely you were my angel whenever you were beside me.

Nothing has changed, just when you werent here, i'm in total darkness, sick always, no help and angel has left me. there wasnt even luck, i cant sleep just only thinking for you and thinking of you.

Today you have been very very very busy until i dont really see your post and you just have been invisible for so long. is it i am doing the talking and you wouldnt wanna say anything? I can say all cause you think that your move was right?

Suffering for me and busy plus happy moments for you? If you are really happy, I'm glad to hear that. cause the only thing i want, is a smile and laughter from you. the happy you. but if you are not, i hope you understand on what i am doing. You want me to prove, i tried and failed. tried and tried. still its not me which dun wan to accept the failure. Just that you kept yourself so unwillingly to even see me. Treating me as invisible in your life. Is that the life that you would want?

If it is, i am sorry for that things i did. if you cant accept this, no one can. its not i din make up for it. its just you dont wanna accept. and trust me, if you would want. this blog is not a place for me to release all my anger and stress that you have given me. and frankly, nothing here is scolding you. You have just got to let go of me as a person kept scolding you. if not, nothing can change it. cause only you are allowed to change yourself. if you wanna stick to yourself like that, be my guest and go ahead. it not that i dint say anything.

If you think that I am saying bad about you, be my guest, go ahead. cause the way you interpreted my message here is just wrong. so so wrong. you wanna be like this. no one can stop you. no one would even try to. but still, I am here, even your flaws, your negativity on me, you and in you, would want to be like this, I would never walked away like you did to me, and still love you like the way I have been. Never less love, always more and never ending.

Believe on what you want. trust on what you think, do on what you wanna do, no one can stop you. I just would say this, the offer stands.

I WOULD JUST WAIT YOU HERE. Waiting you to come back to me. waiting for you to willingly listen to me for not my excuses or explainations, but all the things i would want you to know how much i have loved you and how much I would give more. waiting for you to willingly let go all the negativity within me, waiting for you to just say I love you. No buts, no extra sentence. Just I love you.

but anyhow, I dont think you would be reading this. cause there is no point you would read it. because you are still not willing to let go. If you are, means that you are just lying to yourself. you might not think you are by now, but deep down in yout heart, ask again. really that is your final answer, sorry. that isnt mine.


If you are reading this, please dont give me anything back of what i gave u. its just so wrong. you know what i mean. And my offer is still open. I have done my part, you think i dint do enough, just two words. not enough. I would just come on again. until you are satisfied. I am not seeking only for your forgiveness, but also your love back like once more.

like i said, You might have made your decision, but frankly, its not my decision.

What you think I made the decision, go ahead and carry on thinking of it that I have decide that moment to leave you. Go on, Cause sorry, there isnt a chance for me to say no. and i rmb that moment was I did say NO. NO. and NO. Did my words being listened? Sorry, not even a word was being listened. But just, blaming me that I have said I wanna break up. Now you have said the NO, I have to listen. even if i dont, you just walked away like that. Good luck with that. I just love you so much until you wouldnt know what i have past. You might be happily be there having your busy moments, but frankly speaking, my love havent changed a little. and i have been dropping tears just for you.

dont think of the sympathy on me. just think that what your decision has made, is it really worth it? if you are reading this, just think. I rest my case on saying what i wanna say. cause even what i say now or before, all wasnt being heard. nothing has gone into you. I love you for who you are, but also, I would never let you go even if have bad you could be. I would never walk away from you for some small mistakes. and i dun think it was a mistake. Its just the interpretation that you have interpreted wrongly. thats all. Wanna go on like this, having me standing so far away, for 2 years, i have already standing very far away seeing you, now you wan me to stand on the mountain to see you and love you from that distance? Ok. you adi have it. I'll stand on what you want. Just think of this, Did you stand on what I wanted? Did you followed on what I have even said? I dont think so.

Why do Women Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."


Be, I wouldnt make you to cry. I wouldnt even want you to cry. having the tears coming out from your beautiful eyes, I am so sad when you do. I wouldnt want to make you even start to feel sad. I would try to make all up to you so that you feel special and being wanted by only.... ME! Be, dont cry.. and i wish i could really be by your side and make this all for you so that you wouldnt be able to try to feel sad. :( remember, if you are sad, I'm also sad. I would share the sorrow with you till the day I die. :(

Be, I never even scold you before:(

Be, Today at 09/12/2012, Approximately 12am, you tell me "no point, the time now I'm sorry, then next time I'll scold you?"

No. Be, No. I din scold you before. If I made you think that i'm scolding you, I'm sorry. I dint intend to scold you.

I dint even raise up my voice on you. Just once on the phone. That was what i remembered. But then, Never once after that.

Messages can be a little thing. Where by my voice and tone cant be sent together. I dint once scolded you. All the quarrels we had, all the arguments we had, I dint want them to happen. I just dint want everything like that to happen between us.

I already have no time to even care for you. I already dont have time to even sayang and love you. why must i make the time for us to argue and scold you? Why dont i make more time to love you more instead?

Why should I make the mess and cause more trouble by scolding you? :(

I am adi very very sad because you are sad. I am very very pain when we argue and quarrel. every time i come back to the case that we have argued, every time I come back to the things we argued at, I am so depressed. Why am i doing this?

of all that, i always asked me what have i done?

So, why do you think I have scolded you? how do you even think that i have scolded you? I really dint:( :(

I just want the days so badly for us to be together. A word "yes" means to me so much that it would change my life. The word from your mouth to give me "yes" would just turned me from Hell to heaven. Changing me totally. trust me once more. I would prove myself to your trust to me that I have no chance to even scold you cause I would love you so badly until i would be just saying instead of scolding.

I really love you so much until i em se dak to scold you. Dont think I've scold you ok? I really din. Not even once in the messages. really de.:(

I missed you every single day. I've missed you so much. why must I scold you? why must I even raise my voice over you?

If i did. I am really really really really sorry... :( I am really sorry that i have made you think i am scolding you. I dont really know how to scold a person unless that person made me mad. But you are my love of my life, instead of making me happy and your smiles to me would melt me, do you think i would scold you? dont think. dont think that i would scold you. dont..:(

what is the meaning of caring?

Sometimes i wonder, why must I care about?

1. Care a bit less for the person - why you care for me so little? why are you not caring enough?
2. Care a little more - why you kept bothering me? leave me alone la..

Why are we being from lovers to haters? haters to ignorance?

what is happening? what did I do wrong? care more also wrong, care less also wrong. just nice you think I'm being fake.

It was always your decision to say anything to do. I am not pushing any of my responsibilities to you. I'm not blaming you for everything you have done.

Your decision to stop everything, stop our relationship, stop your chats to me, stop everything and it is everything. How am i to tell you anything?

there was no real conversation between us. its was just talking and talking but without any tolerance on each side. For a clap to happen, there is always both sides to be blamed. not only one person as in me only.

I know it was my fault, but i also know that its not entirely my fault. not that i want to blame you on it as well or anything. but it was both of us. the problem was always in us.

Anything also its ok, never mind, and etc. leaving the problem like that, causing us to argue and quarrel everytime. Dont you see it as well? You might think that the problem was solved, but it hasnt. it always brought back into our argument. nevertheless, all the quarrels relates to every problem we have.

I tried to make it up. I have tried to show how sorry i was. I have also apologize my mistakes. is it all my mistakes? all mine only? even i dun think so, but i had to take all the mistakes and fault myself. I brought myself down, leaving all the dignity and everything as a man. apologizing and showing how sorry am i for that day. I am making things up. it takes time. not a second i'm sorry, the next i'm not.

Even that you are ignoring me, I dun know you would be seeing this or not. I dont mind. I put in everything for you. Just for you. what else you want and what else I didnt do? whats more? How am i to know whether what you want when you just play ignoring?

Its ok. Its enough? I want to make a decision just for us. I want to have those days back. I have waited long enough for this very day to come. when you are able to end your studies and have more time. you have more dances and classes, I dont care. I dont care that you have no more time at all. All i want was like those days, where you can spend time for me a little, going out for dinner once a while and have the chats and smiles for me, having the long hour chats instead of quarreling and many others we used to do.

I really am out of my mind. All i want and All i decided, its all up to waste when you just dont want it. you might think its done, just like that. A switch to on and off? is it our relationship so easy?

The two days, where i got the time and money back, to just go out with you. Was the moment that I would not forget and I would give anything just to have it back. Is it so hard to give it to me back? why is it so hard? I am totally clueless and lost. What was the thing that made you so hard on your decision?

I have thought so long. causing me having sleepless nights for these past months. Having sleeping pills wasnt going to bring me to sleep well. You were the light of my life. but now, the light has gone. Total darkness. every night has come, i had to think of ways to make myself rest. I am having the pressure because you have left me. now, ignoring me as well. what did I do? I wasnt jealous anymore. I wasnt the kind of guy would simply angry because of small things.

Those two days, What i have shown you was the change in me. I wasnt talking to you much anymore by those days. I have seen back the messages and everything. I know most of your timetable, but i dont know all of your timing and decisions on something. Its not that I must know or anything, Its just a small wording about it, and I'll respect that to the very end.

So what did I do now? is it because we are having the routines to much? if you dont want, just say it. let me know that you dont want so many times of the routine. I'm clueless if you dont tell. I'm not the person that would know if you dont tell. We dont have telepathy minds. If it is the case, just let me know. Is that so hard to tell?

In a relationship, if one party is not willing to let the other person know, this leads to like this. Dont you see it?

I am now very down because not we broke up. its because you decided to just leave me aside and have your happy life. You think you moved on like that and you would be happy again. you are. I can see it. Happy and dont need to even look at me for a moment?

Even to pass me the books back, you are not willing to just see me for the few minutes to bring it to me. Am i that irritating or that ugly person to look at? am I? why you cant just bring it to me?

I tried to let you know, one lunch with me giving the books back to me, sitting facing each other and I wont even touch you anymore. I know we have broke up and we cant cuddle like we used to be. I missed that so much and although i want it badly, but i know we cant. I just want to see you once more. is that so hard to make it up?

Now i feel so stupid that I'm just writing this blog telling out my feelings. I know that you wont read my blogs anymore. I know that I'm just a stupid guy giving so much for things have passed by. But everyone have mistakes. To me, it was just a stupid mistake to let you know my password. I know it was a damn stupid mistake. The more stupid mistake was the decision you had, I have to follow it. I had to be stupid enough to let you go.

But did i have the choice? I dont actually. You said that even if I dont break up, you still will leave me. what was I to do? the moment that i have decision was, to cut my wrist and let it bleed. Not for you, it was for myself. I decided to let me life end just for you. But the decision was just changed by my mum. I had to change my life now?

The more I tried to forget, the more i tried to let you out of my mind, the more you are there in it. I cant stop thinking of you. I really cant stop. Could you even save me once more? Could you?

No point of me saying all these. Cause I know that you wont even look at my blog anymore. I just dont know what I could do with my life without you. I missed all those things that we usually do. I missed those things that we usually say as well. Numbers of you would just pop up every time I tries to forget.

Numbers like "3", "7", "89", '19','11' and many more. It just brings me back to you. Why?? WHYY??? why are we to this extend? Its just not worth it just to wait so long for you, but in the end, when i dun give up anything of you, You gave up on me. You just gave up and walked away like that. the more i tried, the more i got rejected. worst was being ignored.

Come on. Just books to pass to me. is that so hard? was i to ask you to do much? if you dun want to see me, ok. i respect your decision. Ask your sis to come out from your house to pass me the books when you are not around. Is that so hard? Dun wan to see me also have many ways. I'll just call your sister to come out when I'm there. Give me the books and i'll leave for good. I know you dont even want to see my face. I am irritating person to you adi. Whatever i do is just nuisance and nonsense. Whatever I do, to you is nothing. nothing at all.

I just want to make a decision that you would try to follow. I would just want to make everything up for you. I have tried since the day we broke up. Is it just too late? when was the time I broke up with you? it was I'm very very stressed up and i think i couldnt bring happiness to you. I brought you down. But you pulled me back up. Why now you brought me down. I tried to climb back up, but was kicked down again by you. Worst is I'm bout to reach, I just need a hand from you, I got ignored. You dont show me the hand. just let me fall back again.

what has happened? Just for a password? I know it was late that i let you know. But what i remembered was that time, we left with hugs and kisses. then next time was different. it was for something else. you just said that we are just quarreling too much on small matters and I've tried to make it all up. Just for you. But you decided to let go even if I said no about breaking up. You just made it and left. walked out of my car and thats it. I tried to contact you, I tried to message you, I tried everything and everything was just nothing to you.

October, i really thought that you are trying to make it up for me. the pictures we had in the cake shop. I really really thought that my hard work, sitting the taxi, rushing all the way to there, having the ups and downs, just to make it to you. was just worth it. But now I guess not. I am just clapping my hands myself. I want to believe so hard that you are trying to work things out between us. I really do. but then, now, you can see it yourself.

what have i not done to impress you? just tell me the word, I'll make it up for you. just one more chance was it so hard to give to me? at least one more try between us? Just once, all I'm asking for once more. for you once to listen to me. once more only. just once...:(