5th December 2010

5th December 2010
It is also hard and sad for me to see the next update on the blog is this….
Dear.. u can call me ur dear anytime and anywhere u want to…
Cause it is also so hard for me to change the calling suddenly… I felt awkward from the minute we ended; hard for me to change my callings to u…  especially I was in the bus going to mainblock to get the car…  hmmm…

I love you too dear… I also really do… dear… I also dun wish to have a break up… this small matter can make us separate… I also dun want to…  if only I could have the button, trigger, or switch to change this decision or not to breakup…  dear, although its love that we have… but then I’m not saying I’m giving up on sustaining the relationship… it is just the problem that I’m having that causes us separate… I know I’m selfish…  but I can’t do anything to help it… I’m sorry… I wish to do sumthing of it… but so many days of thinking… how do we overcome this matter… the ways… the solutions…  cant make any difference… hmm… I also want to share with u… so everything that I told u… is everything more than I told my buddies… everything is to tell u what am I running through… tell u what have I been through… and update u with my current situation.. dear… I want u to be beside me as well.. but then… I just dun know the way we could stay together… I really out of my mind…
One week once to meet each other? Hmm… because u r my loved one, so I wish to give u all my time and no time to separate us… but then… one day… isn’t much enuf for me too… not only for u… hmm.. I just dun know how to be a good bf… I really dun know how to give u the right happiness that u want… I’m just not the best… always there are major problems… issues… this … that…  making us so hard to be together… hmm… that is why I told dear to find another guy than me… although I dun like it… I dun want any guy to touch u… I dun want any guy to kiss u or hug u… but I have no chance to make this decision or choice adi… I cant stop anyone to touch dear anymore… I cant stop any guy to come near u anymore… I’m not given the chance at all adi also… cause I dun even know I could take care of myself or not… and my family issues… hmm… caused us to separate… so I cant do anything for dear anymore… make decisions for u… create solutions for u…. we need to be apart…  dear… I know… if u want to find a guy… it would be easy for u… just snap, sure got d… I just hope u could find a better guy than me in future… no problems, issues, matters or anything… hmm… dear… u told me before that how I looked during the first day when we are together… u told me also that how u loved my looks… I rmb… I also rmb how I kissed dear in the class… it was Thursday… after a movie… then we started since then… now it becomes from “memories of us…” to “passed sweet memories of us…” hmm…

just now u were messaging me tell me the purple pendant is broken… cant mend or repair it back… it seems to be like our heart too… once broken… cant mend back… I know dear is having heart pain worst than me… heart pain like stabbed by a knife… can’t take out the knife… dun know how to take out… bleeding badly… pain… I know how it feels… but I also dun know how to make it less pain or no pain at all… although I know its my problem… but I just dun know how to mend or repair myself or to make ur pain to be lesser… in fact, I made dear more sad… I know dear more san fu than me… hmm… I dun know how to tell dear also on the breaking up… I’m so confused… I also knew that u know what I am bout to say d… I know this… but then… I dun know how to open the topic to dear… dun know how to start at all… dun know how to open my mouth too… cause I dun wish to end so fast too… I dun wish to open this topic to dear at all… I dun wish to…

Dear… I’m sorry for having u to break up with me after 1 year… I wish to be longer… I dun wish to have u sit alone the Dr Café alone… I know u dun like to alone… same as me… I also dun like to be alone… dun like the feeling of alone…
Now having little messages between us for the past 2 days… its because I’m missing dear’s messages too… the caring and lovely messages… the happy and supporting messages… I’m missing that too… I miss the days with u at Dr café drinking coffee… sitting at the corner… hugging u to have the coffee… or being together to sit there and do our stuff… waiting for u at the place… going to the cold air-cond toilet… going a walk at solaris… going to sushi king… going to cold storage… going to the toilet… at the carpark too… dear… I know all of this… money cant buy… its all our happiness together… I dun want this breakup to happen too… but do I have a choice? I’m not sure I have… 
I also dun know why… this is like our separation letter or blog post… which I hardly could write much…but I know I’m writing a lot de… I also dun know what to say d… its just following dear’s messages and sentences in the blog, explaining how am I without dear… how bad am I that I dun have dear… how regretted am i… how pain am I making this decision… how my tears coming down… hmm… I know dear would be few times worst than me… I’m so sry!!~~ 

my tears also coming out nonstop while I’m writing this in my room… I really have no mood to go out… I also dun know what to do at home… wondering at home… no mood to even go out for dinner… dear… I haven’t been eating dinner for 2 days… ate little for lunch… non for breaky at all… morning till night… just 1 small meal… like half a bowl of rice… for the whole day… parents ask y d… I just told dem… no appetite… I’m sorry dear… I lied to dear again… I just dun want dear to worry bout me… (although I know u will worry… but its adi past d, so u will worry less by today… hope that u wont worry so much of me… I’ll take care myself… so must u k?=( ) Now like dear… my tears is automatically coming out… I’m so sad… why my dad… why this… why… why… why……..!!! hmmm…. I feel like screaming…!! Hmm… my heart is so pain right now… I just dun knw why I need to make this decision!! Jason say I got the choice… what choice do I have? Why it have to be me?? Whyyyyyy…..:( my heart now is broken and so pain…. Like last time… I just dun want another few months to be like this… I want dear to see me smiling… laughing… happy look… not like now… 
Dear… there is also many things I WILL DEFINITELY rmb bout u… u wont be erased in my mind… ur pictures… ur looks… ur dresses… ur clothes… ur smell… our trips… our outings… our pictures together… I miss ur face… I miss ur shiny and nice smell de hair… how u every time told me… how nice is it… I seem to ignore… in fact, its I LOVE it… the smell is so nice on dear…. but now I really missed it… I missed it…. Really bad… I need to smell dear from far… cant simply play with it anymore… cant simply touch the silky hair anymore… i miss u massage my back for me… sit on my lap… lie on me… hug me… kiss me… I miss u so much… I’m bitting my teeth to write this… tears kept coming out… I miss the smiles on dear… how I could tickle dear… how I made dear smile… how I made dear felt so happy…. But now… I felt so bad… making this decision… my tears wont stop coming out…
Dear… I dun want to cry in the classroom because I want to stay a good look for dear to rmb… since now u cant see me… tears kept rolling like water tap… my specs is filling with my tears… I really dun wish I made this decision…
Actually I cried in the car while going back… then run into my room after bkb and continued… I dun dare to come out… just bath and then think of dear… then sit on my bed and then tears came out… I miss the days of u on my bed…. my eyes is this first time so swollen… this morning till now… only Jason and TK saw my eyes swollen when we are out awhile… they dint ask anything… they know… how bad am I…. how awful bf I could be…. And how sad am i… but compared me to dear… dear would be more sad… more heart pain… after that, straight away went home and straight into my room… walkabout in the house when parents are out…
Then while on9 outside, I saw my FB status is only “in a relationship…” I dint know dear changed it so fast… I’m so sad to see that… I dint wish to see that on my profile… my profile pic remains the same… I dun feel like changing it so fast or even changing it… do we really need to clear out the situation so fast? Hmmm… I really missed that moment in SUNWAY…. I hug u till the end… whole day together….:(

dear..i love u sitting in my CLK.. dear… u still got the chance 2 sit in dat.. but I just think it wouldn’t be the same feeling… couldn’t hold ur hand… couldn’t kiss u when coming in the car or going out of the car… dear… I really like it when u rmb all the things that I’ve said… although u seem to fu yan me… but I know u’ll rmb everything what I say… I really appreciate what u’ve said too… I’m grateful to have u as my gf… I’m so happy when u firstly accepted me… but I dint know we cant make it through next year… I really felt that I’m no use… for so little problem… not even my problem… i cant fix it…  dear… although u like to see how I drive… but then… I love the most is when I hold ur hand and drive… it feels like although the car is breaking off, but we wont be leaving each other…. And the best but dangerous is… I’m hugging dear… dear lying on me… and I’m driving the car… it felt so short time at that moment on the way back from One utama to college… but then I LOVE it… and started to missed it adi… cause we couldn’t do this anymore… I was like thinking before this when we could do that again? When can we do that on a long straight road…? So I could hug dear long enuf and dear lie on me and sleep…  but now…. We cant do it anymore d… hmm… just for one small matter of my family… my tears now coming out even more… causing me to stop and continue… stop to wipe my tears… and then continue typing…  dear… if I have a choice… I wouldn’t have chosen this path… I dun like this way or decision….:( if I could only do sumthing…..
dear… I was waiting for sumthing for so long as dear I think u are as well… its dear seeing me playing basketball…. While slowly changing my clothes for the basketball time… I recalled I always message u as soon as when I arrived… I always waited some of my time…to message dear and waiting for ur replies… but then… last Friday… I dint get to message dear or get messages from dear… its gone d… while playing bkb… there were no messaging between us… making me no mood to play… played until very bad… and many of the phones kept ringing… its not my phone… its not my ringtone… it was others phones… not mine… not a single message between us… not a miss call even… nothing… usually there would be messages from dear saying u reach home… call me to jia you in the bkb… enjoy the game… after the game, ask me how is the game is… hmm…  I felt so lonely that moment… I miss dear so much… dear have influenced me so much… I just wish one day u could sit there and see me play basketball… I would feel more energetic… omg… dear…… I MISS U SO MUCH!!!~~~  but this day… for me and dear… would be just a wish… that cant be granted… see me play bkb from nw onwards would also wont make any changes… from now… we would be frens… instead of… ahhhH!!:( I dun want…  I just dun want… dun want… dun want… there is adi no chance for u to see me play anymore… no chance for u to see me in the bkb games… I really dun wish this breakup to happen…

when dear say how nice is my writing… although I dun feel anything nice bout it… but I feel happy… dear look so surprised and happy to see my notes… it makes me feel so happy and that u appreciate my notes… although u dun know most of the things written… but then… it really make me feel that dear treats it very important…  dear… now I’m also looking at the b’day card u sent to me… reading it over and over… made me felt so appreciated… so happy… our 6mths anny… “dear, 6mths of Kiss”, “a heart and a smiley face with the tongue…”I’m so happy… 17 cupcakes… I remember I brought home eat the rest de… then mum and the auntie ate the last 2… I miss the days… I’m looking at the pictures…. How much u suffered and went through just to make the cupcakes for me… the chocolates… the drawings and cuttings…  I miss u… I miss so much… the chocolates dear… the sweet chocolates…  dear…. Dear… dear…  my tears kept falling down… even more when I’m writing this part… omg… how to stop my crying? Hmm… why is it me to stop this relationship? Why must we??!! Why my dad is giving this problem to us?? Hmmm…….. AHHHHhhhhh~~!!! Hmm… why!! Why!! Dear… I’m so sry…. I’m very sorry… dear… please forgive me…
Everywhere I bring my bag… the green color box that stores the toothpicks of “dear, 6mths of Kiss”, is always in my bag… “a heart and a smiley face with the tongue…” is always in my toolbox… the pictures are all in all my computers and my hard disk… it was never thrown anywhere else but in my pencil box and my bag only… everywhere I also brought it along… hmm… I miss u so much…. I’m sorry dear… I promised dear to make one b’day card for u too… but till now… I haven’t been fulfilling all my promises to u…. so many empty promises made… I HATE MYSELF…. Really feel like doing something stupid….  its just not I dun dare… its just I have so many people I dun want them to be sad… especially u… so many things I cant simply left behind… my family…. U…. hmmm… I still HATE myself… for not remembering all the things that I’ve promised dear…
dear… I dint know u wanna plan so many things for me for next year… all my plan is to bring dear to somewhere for valentines day and ur birthday… for 5 days 4nights trip for both trips… I really want to have another long holiday like what we have in Genting… although Genting was short… but I really enjoyed it… I really wish to have once more… but now cannot d… cannot like last time d…. I know dear is more wishing to have it more than me…. But then… hmm… I dun know how to go again with dear…  the chances… would be very low…  dear… the BROS bottles.. Actually I found the white twins… custom made de… it is at a shop nearby my place… I found it d… they say it will be coming with the valentine’s twins… I was waiting for that…. To be our couple bottles… although it looked fake BROS bottles… but its made of steel… so I think its sustainable… I really wish I could get it for both of us… making hot coffees with it… 
dear… the floral dress… act, I knw u have a dress d…. cause everytime I told dear about the dress… u gave me the feeling that u have adi owned one… I just kept quiet only….:( but dint know… I dint have the chance to even have a glimpse of it… the chances of the dress being seen by me… 0%, the chances of the dress being seen by other people… 80%... 20% is depending dear want to wear or not… dear… I really wish most of the outings… u could dun wear jeans and t-shirt but dresses… that make dear look pretty like in the Sushi King… after ur work… we had the meal and the dress was looking good on dear… hmm… but then… I wouldn’t have the chance d… 

dear… I know there would be a choice for me but is it for me to choose? Or for me to follow only?… I might be wrong on my decision made… but for now… I need to stick with my decision as the things have gone even bad for my dad… hmmm…. Money for us kept being lesser and lesser….  I know u respect my decision… I’m sorry dear… I dint respect u at all… I dint respect your decisions… I’ve neglected u… I also dun know what to say… other than the word “sorry” and “its my fault”, I also dun know what to tell dear…  thank you dear… for respecting my decision… supporting me… guiding me… help me to go through the year of 2010… I really missed the 370 days of us being together… from 19th November 2009 to 3rd December 2010… exactly 370 days…  I just wish we could have went well… dint have to make this decision… this move… this stupid ACT of MINE!! I really hate myself so much… felt so sick of myself…

dear… I felt so bad that I made dear cry nonstop… I also can’t stop since just now…. I just can’t help it too… I just wish I dint made this decision… I just wish that I dint have to say the words of break up… I just wish I could take it all back… I’m just HOPELESS~~~ AHHHHHhhhhhh!!!~~~~
dear…. I can’t take care of u from now on…. Dear… please dear… I just want u to take care of yourself… I just want u to be well…. Please dear… take care of yourself properly…. dun always eat fried or grilled food… when drink coffee then drink more water…. Always make sure u drink more water when I’m not beside u… there wouldn’t have me anymore to remind u to drink water anymore… no more reminding dear to drink more water… dear…. Please… drink more water… stay healthy for yourself k? stay well… and be always PINKY LOVE… 

dear… I really wish that u could forgive me… I just commented on her pic… because its new… no other reason… I dint miss anyone except u…. dear… always u see me talk to girls… talk until very close…. But actually I’m thinking of u every moment… in my mind, I always rmb how u used to stand, smile, kissing me… the looks of urs… its not like I treat all them like u…. its just I kept seeing u in my mind… hmm… its true dear… I really miss u so much…. Dear… if I want to start back the relationship… I hope u could be the first one to accept me back… hmm… I dun dare to promise what might happen next time… but if can, I really wish u could be the first one to accept me back…  I know the possibilities of it to happen would be little… but…… hmm…. I really want… hmm..:(
dear…. Luckily tomolo is Sunday… so that I could hide myself in my room… I dun know how long I will be crying… since yesterday till now… I also dun know how long I’ve been awake to think the matter of my dad and think of u… I haven’t been sleeping since yesterday till now… not even touched the bed… I’m not tired… I just switch on the computer and kept looking at the pictures of us… over and over again… recalling all the pictures of us together… where were we… did what… had what food… what activities done… and before the breakup… I took so many pictures so that I could show dear…but most of it hasn’t shown to dear… like today…. I took a lot of pictures… where I’ve been, what have I done… it is not for my memory only… its for us… so I could tell dear… what have I done…. Who am I with… who the people I’ve met are… Not as prove to dear… but its just letting dear to see the picture of what I’ve done… but then… I just realized that I’ve neglected dear this time… hmm….
Even the BM lecturer also kept asking of where is u… why dint see u today…. Ask why my phone dint kept ringing… or vibrate…. Because she also knew how close we are… how good relationship we are…  but then… I really, really dun know what to do…  its confusing… I really dun know what to say d…. to write this long… I just followed dear’s message in the blog… if u realized… hmmm.. I really dun know what to tell dear…. My nose is also pain, pain… no matter I breathe in or out… no matter I blow my nose or rub it… cause I’ve been nonstop crying and thinking of dear…. My nose stuck since yesterday… hmmm… so rubbed until my nose adi bruises…

dear… I really hope my life will be better soon… everything goes back like to the 1st day I knew dear…. There is no problem for us… no matter… no issues… no problems… just us… and only us….:(
Dear… I also hope that u could promise me… take care of yourself when I’m not around… take care of your health… and when u are outside alone or not… remember to drink more water…. Dun eat so much of grilled or fried food although I know u like it… but then… try to just eat a little… then drink lots of water… and dun make yourself so tired from your dance… your work…. Because your ankle pain came back… your anti-body isn’t that good also… so, u must take care… dun be so careless adi… cut yourself also dun know… when tired… no one to help u to massage d… so u must really take care… if u want… call me or sms me… I sure help dear to massage de… ok? Hmmm… hmmm… dear… I’m not there for u adi… so please… promise me…. Take care of yourself properly… I dun want to have anything to happen to u…. dear… stop crying d… just let this to pass k? Hmm… I dun want u to have anything bad… I dun want your eyes to get swollen like mine now… I really dun know what else to say… dun know…. Really dun know…. There is so much things of u for me to take care…. but from 3rd of December 2010, Friday… I cant take care of u anymore… I cant concern on u like I always do… I cant kiss u, sayang u, hug u, tickle u, massage u, and touch u like I always do… I cant anymore… i… i… i… I’m so sry… 
“dear..i love u so much~if u say u love me..i love u more~kisskisskisskiss..” this sentence dear…. I want to rephrase it back to u… I really mean it… that is why I dun always say “I love u, dear”, cause every word of it that I’ve said… I really mean it….:(

dear..i love you..i love you till the max too!!~~ take care of yourself when no matter u r in Malaysia or in Japan… just take care of yourself…. K?

LOVE and Always, Jack Foo Pang Ban, 5th December 2010

3rd December 2010

Its so pathetic 2 see a break up blog right after our 1st yr anny blog..

dear.. pls allow me 2 cal u dat 4 de last time..k?

i love you dear.. i really do~ i duno dat such a matter can cause us 2 break up..cz 2 me as long as there is love, i wil try my best 2 sustain de relationship..i oso face prob dear..but i wan u 2 share vf me go through vf me..n vf all my heart, i'm willing 2 do de same 2 u dear.. cz u r my love one..

u said in de classroom jz nw..find a better guy..if i wanted a better guy.. i wont b here vf u after 1 yr..u r my dream guy..de guy dat i wanted n i get..but sadly onli 4 a year..de day i step into help..i saw u~i like u~n much more..i can never forget seeing u in dsa,vf ur blue bag,n de gold pin at ur collar vf a pair of slippers..i jz like it..

dear..i'm in dr cafe writng dis..having my fav caramel frappe vf whipped cream..wat m i missing??its u dear..de sofa is empty,but no1 is 2 share vf me 2 sit there again~i wan 2 do de things i like best n hv my fav drink..dear..there's no taste..u see..money cant buy happiness..

dear..there's so many things i wana rmb bout u~b4 everything in my mind get empty..i wana rmb hw u look..every part of ur face,i wana rmb ur big palms dat i love so much,i wana rmb my water bed,i love 2 see hw big u r..hw tall u r..cz it makes me small n u treat me like a precious~can jz b wrap in ur arms..n no 1 will attack me..i feel safe in ur arms dear..onli urs..

dear..i love ur CLK..i gt no chance 2 sit in dat anymore..i dun mind 2 gt a small car..but i love it~cz dear oways say hw gud izit..n ur 'KELISA POWER' dear..i love de way u drive,sumtimes u drive,i like 2 jz suddenly watch u n smile..cz u look so man when u do so~concentrate n steady~driving vf 1 hand,turning vf 1 hand..n driving seems so easy 4 u..i jz love see u drive..

dear,i love 2 hear u say hw much i've influence u..cz it makes me feel, i hv adi go into ur life~eat less rice,more vege..eat my fav wan tan mee..n feel no mood if eating alone..so many more dear..so many more..

dear..i wana rmb ur neat writing..ur neat notes..super love ur writing dear..dear..i kept reading bek de valentine card u wrote 4 me at the curve do u remember?short n sweet..dats de onli card dat i left 2 see bek ur writing dear..cz u onli wrote 2 me 1 love letter~

dear..i've adi plan out wat 2 get 4 u dis yr n next yr..things dat u nid~shoes..clothes..pants..n want 2 get de type u like n suit u~i'm searching 4 de bros bottle dat we wanted 2 b our couple bottle..black de dear..1u no more stock..i called ppl help me find..now i can stop doing it de..

dear..u said mayb i'l look nice in long floral dress..i tried 1 n bought it de dear..i wanted 2 wear it 4 our anny..i wan dear 2 see me pretty..i wan gv dear surprise..i noe u cant afford dear..so i dun ask anymore n kept de dress de~

dear..i respect ur decision..u noe..my wallpaper.. love is respect..den do u respect my decision dear??do u think hw i feel when u make de decision dear?but since de decision is made,i'll follow dear..

i cant stop crying..no i din cry..its de tears kept falling down demself when i'm writing dis~i cant control dear..i'm sorry..i cannot promise 2 take care of myself..dis i cannot promise u~

for de fb..dear change de relationship status since its ur decision dear..n since we adi broke up~although i miss u so much dat will cry every nite.. but we stil gota hv a clear cut of de situation now~

dear..in de sms u wan me 2 forgive u~but when i see ur fb again~u find bek yee huan..i oso duno u izit miss her o nt~i'm so confuse~i'm jz sad nt angry..u said we could cont b friends n love me..i hope u do wat u say~n not get anothe gal after a month..in dat case..i'll never forgive u anymore~

dear..i hope ur life will b better soon..i hope ur family probs will end soon..n sum1 will help u all~cz i dun wan dear suffer oso~

dear..i love u so much~if u say u love me..i love u more~kisskisskisskiss..

dear..i love you..i love you..

love, phoebe chiew shu ping 3rd december 2010