its a past EXPERIENCE, Why still kept bothering yourself with it.??

i just dun get it...
its been for so long...
its adi a past experience to u...
its adi gone d..
u know that it isnt the same now..
u know it is gone for that...

why is there still the feeling that it might occur again?
its past experiences, so now u should try from it from re-occuring...
not sitting there and hoping that it wouldnt happen again...

if u think that sitting there and the feeling will be gone...
u are wrong...
and waiting there as well...
u think it will be recovered...
then u r super wrong....

not only u wont happen to solve your problem and your mistakes...
u will create more problems and mistakes as well..
in addition, the "feeling" of yours would tend to grow big...
your badly hurt heart, would soon be more pain...
your sting attached to ur heart, would plung in more deeper...

not only u would be hurt by ur past experiences, your "feeling" and your own stings...
but also you tend to hurt other people...
you hurt other people's feelings too...
and you dun know about it...

whats the problem of letting everyone know your little secret?
this is life, will they laugh at u?
will they look down on u if u have this secret of life?
will they tend to give u another look as well?
or are your frens having another little story created by you?
i dun know...
but i'm sure that the whoever laughs at u, or look down to u, or sees you differently.... its...
they havent experienced this before...
they havent overcome this situation before...
or they are childish...

however, is everyone's opinion that matters to you?
is your image to everyone's eyes that important?
is it the image u want is in everyone's eyes?
i dun think so... making sure the highest percentage of everyone sees u prefectly?
could that be? the more u make it... the more people dislikes u...

in addition, for the past experiences,
you know that it has happened...
you know it is adi there before..
and yet... you know its past... wouldnt happened again...

if it is to happen again, what r u doing now?
sitting there and waiting for it to re-occur again?
sitting there and hope everything would be smoothly as it is?
or just sitting there and pray hard everything wouldnt happen again?
why dun u try, having it again.. and try to overcome the past experiences?
why dun u try, having it once more... learn from the experiences and find ways to solve it?

the experiences like this..
it wouldnt happened again... why?
because there are no people that are exactly alike...
because there are no 100% similarities between 2 persons..
you know it...
you also knew there are differences in 2 persons...
and yet.. you still wan to compare both of them...

comparing 1 to 1... if its the same..
its ok...
but its not..
you know it...
you are 100% sure of it...

but you deny it...
you said its the same...
you want it to be same...
you choose it to be same...
and worst part of all.. you compared...
you said an apple and orange is the same...
the apple and orange...
would also taste the same...
would also have the same shape..
and has the same colour...
you deny everything and lies everything of the differences to yourself...
running from reality that apple is red and orange is orange..

you just think that its the same..
you think hard that they are the same...
you assume badly that they are the same...
and you dint wan to listen to anyone...
saying that apple and orange have differences...

therefore... u act that eating apple and orange is the same...
hiding the truth of apple and orange to yourselves and in front of the eyes of your friends and family..
denys the truth as well in front of them...
and yet... scolding and arguing to anyone that stands in your way saying that apple and orange is different..

people tries to correct you..
telling you the apple and orange is different...

eating an apple and eating an orange de experiences will only have a conclusion..
that is you are full... or you are not...
its never you dun know... or you didnt know.. thats just all lies and denying...
eating an apple... has sweet or sour... but it has a skin and differences from an orange...
in contrast, eating an orange has sweet and sour too... but u cant eat its skin... and the juice is different...

you know the differences.. why kept denying it..
why still have the same thoughts?
its the same only you are full or not...
it will neva have the same feeling of eating an apple or an orange...
but if u still want to say its the same...
have it your way...
its your thoughts...
if u dun wan to listen... its your call..

dun kept saying its people's choice or decision...
its a decision that has been made... a past experience... why still kept thinking of it?
its adi an experience, why dun you try to accept it as a past...
and try to make it not re-occuring?
why dun you try to accept the past and try to overcome the problems.. create solutions based on your experiences?
why kept holding the past experiences and thinks that the present would ONLY occur similar to the past?

if sum1 dun lets you an apple or orange that you have been eating...
you would be sad... like a sting to urself... deep down your heart...
but you said... the orange experiences is the same as the apple...

but u know the orange has adi hurt u b4... in different ways... in different times...
why did u gave the orange chances? still kept eating it although its rotten??

and you know this apple is here to let you eat...
although it has been rotten before... not because it chose to be rotten...
because u kept it there.. leaving it there...
you like to eat it whenever u pleased...
but if not, you tend to throw it around...
and then u expect it to be sweet and tasty...

the apple has adi met your expectations..
to be big and juicy...
kept u sweet and happy...
but when u dun like it...
just because people sees the apple too..
you throw it far... far far away..~~
or you store the apple... hoping that the apple... wouldnt run away...
the apple dint plan to run away at all... it stays there...
but its just once,
you threw it very far because you are angry that the apple is tasteless...
threw it so far... no one has seen it...
not because it was tasteless or sum how...
its because you took anger in the apple...
and you dint realise it...

you think that the apple has been letting other people to eat it...
you think that the apple dun like you to eat it...
and you thought that the apple leaves you for good...
because it choose to leave you? no... its because u took the anger and put it into the apple..
causing yourself to throw as far as possible from yourself...

but...
the apple was finding it way bek to you...
finding the path to walk to you...
never thought of leaving you...
wishing that your anger has dropped...
but when the apple reaches in front of you...
you tend not to eat fruits at all..

afraid that the apple will run away again...
but u were the one who threw it...
and...
u deny that you threw the apple away...
saying that the apple decides to walk away from you...

the apple dint care for the past....
whether you threw or it left...
it still stays with you...
letting you eat whenever you pleased to...
but in front of your frens and family...
you tend to hide the apple...
not letting people know that you took back that apple to eat...

worst of all..
still wish to compare the apple and the orange's experiences...
and still stays the same...
saying that the feeling of the apple and orange is the same...

its ok... the apple will always wait for you...
its matter of you to choose...
whether to kept holding this past experiences as your feeling or
let this past experiences be a past... and move along with the present life with this apple or not...
you choose...
you decide...

why me? why not the other way around? hmm?=(

i'm sorry of saying this again...

be... i'm not moody because of today my work... and suddenly wanna cari pasal with u...
i'm also not in the mood of doing so too...
i started to feel like u too...
why? like u said, why did i msg u although u dance or teach... or even have exam that time?
why didnt i msg u to tell u that i started working or doing what so ever...?

i'm sorry for not doing that frequent...
but i did tell u...
where am i going...
who am i with...
what was i doing...
what am i to do later...
and many others...

i'm working also can do so...
be... no offence.. i'm not angry or moody just wanna cari pasal with u... or wanna suddenly say this out...
u think la...
u expect me to do so, telling u everything, but why dint u do so?
only i do? u dun need? or is it only for me to report to u?
and u only know what i do all day? i dun need to know what u doing?

for my part... a small doing, i dint tell u... u adi angry me...
i dint told u i fb... u angry me...
i dint told u i on9 or kenggai with frens... u dun like adi...

what bout me? should i be that way too? i dun... why? i respect u and i trust on what u do... its not that i wanna complain ups and downs...
why dun i get the same thing?
why dun u tell me?
i've been noticing lately....

i ask u questions... u dun answer me...
u dun reply properly...
u dun tell me...
only when i ask...
u tell me a little... and nothing much... is it nothing much??

for example, like today... just now.. be4 ur dance...
i know u dint sleep... i tot u might sleep... its ok for that...
but u dint sleep... u dint tell me what u doing...
u dint tell me wat things... i dun mind the phone rings... my dealers also wont care...
its ok also... then i asked u.. what did u do... u only told me...
kept table lo..on9 just now...
still ok.... i asked u in 3 smses... what did u do on9? fb? msn? or both??
as if i will know? is it?

i know u spent ur time of dance to sms me... but could u say... i've started? like always? what happened lately??

all these above has happened to me b4...
all these above also u angry me b4...
but where's ur part?
did i angry u when u do so?
did i kept saying the words to hurt u?
u might not feel so... but i'm hurt... u neva felt i was hurt rite? hmmm...

i really dun feel like saying more... when i did sumthing wrong... or sumthing bad...
its not i wan.. its not i purposely do so... tell me if u dun like it...
just i dun like what u did just now... what is it... why... then enuf d... but what u said? its was like so hurt....
"u like to do what, u do la... i cant force u also..."
" u feel like doing what, go ahead"
" u like how then how la, i also cant care d ma... rite?"
the worst of all...
" we also nothing d ma... u dont do, i also cannot do anything de ma.. rite?"
and...
" u like la..."

all these words used on me...
i know u felt pain...
i know u had the misery...
i know u encounter all the cuts and stabs on ur heart...
but...
do u really know the other way now?
do u really know what am i feeling too?
is it a payback to me for ditching u at the 1st place?
is this a payback? if it is... ok then... i'll have nothing to say... i'll accept it...


lastly... i have been thinking lately... i may have made the decision of leaving u at the 1st place... i know its my mistake... i'm sorry...
although as well, i want u bek... really want u bek....
but u kept saying that me like playing sand...
me like dun know reliable or not...
what if i leave u again?
as long as we r happy....
we would have the happiest moment of our lives....
why should we bother of the past or the future?
would u know the future?
or could u control the past?
what we could do is the present...

i just wish that we have like those days of the past....
i'm looking at the past because i want things like the same...
or if can, be as similar as possible...
i really want u bek...
i want u bek... because i love u...
i need u... and i know u still like me...
why dun we try to c, how long we could last? rather than like this pulling and dragging...
u think that we are frens... u tot we are frens like this?
no lo...
even though i dun kiss u...
i dun hug u...
i dun even go out with u.....

u think that we are not together still?
no lo...
why? we sms....
we call...
yes... we communicate... we talked everyday on everything...
we mention anything also can...

but u c... if we are frens... we shud have adi not do like this...
if i talk to any girls... u adi dun have the mood to talk to me...
why?
u still care of me...
u still is inlove with me...

i know u might say... go ahead la...
we r frens ma...
do as u like... do as u pleased... do as u wish...
i dun care and i cant stop u adi....

no be... no no no.... why do i do so? is it i treat this like a test?
r u testing me too??
hmm... why do i really do so?
its because i've been telling u...
i treat u special...
i want u be my precious...
i want u be my girlfriend once again...
i'm not playing a fool...
i just want the old days...
how we used to be...
how we make people jealous of our relationship....

now... its up to u...
up to u to make the decision...
if u think, we are good like this... then stay like this la....
i got no comment...
but i wish we could be together again...

i wan u... i adi said "yes", now i hope for ur answer....
i know i will be not as sincere as standing in front of u... telling it in front of u.... i just cant find the suitable time... in front of u... i wont say these things... i dun want u cry adi....
but i'm here... i wish to know the answer....
do u want me as ur boyfriend or not?
do u really still love me?

i really love u with my heart...
do u? i just want you telling me, frankly....
dun say its not time...
or other things...
i just want a yes... or no.... not both together...
if yes, i'll know what to do...
if no, i'll also know what to do....
i want your decision... ok?


(i'm no angry or anything la... just curious k? not moody only bring this out k? i'm just curious and want to know the answer... )

explaination? its more like repeatation... :(

what is it u want??

this time i dint let u know... because i know u would be like this...
this time i dint let u know... because i dun wan u to be curious on what we say... i dun wan to explain what we said be4, i dun wan is because i still think that u dun trust me....
this time i dint let u know... i'm sorry... i know its my fault... but am i cheating? or did i show that i cheated or did i wish to cheat?? no ma, rite? if u wanna think its yes... i nth 2 say lo... am i that a player??

u said, this makes u dun trust me...
u said, this is why u dun trust me...

does it relate? no... all i think u just wan to say is because i din tell u that she smsed me... u still wanna like tell me back, how to trust u ma? u still saying that the "trust" thingy... why? its because u said u forgot the past... and its NO.. u say u dint wanna care d... then why say like i cheat outside??

u adi see the contents...what we wrote to each other... what we say... am i to say i have feelings for her? why i layan her? its because she is my cousin and i'm going to her place... like for just now... she smsed me... i dint layan... but now... do u believe? no... u wont... why? its because after the first day we started to break up on ur b'day... u neva trusted what i ever told u... u neva trusted what i ever said... how am i to tell u... and believe it or not... she really asked me... how am i today... bz a? or bz kau lui??

why is she to say that?? why is she to ask me that?? why is she so close to me?? why is she everytime to find me but not others...?? she caring?? no way!! i dun give a thing whether she likes me or not... i dun give a damn that whether she have feelings for me or not... i dun even care!! why?? its because u are the one i love... its because u are the one i care... i wan u know that u're special... i wan to know u are important and nothing can replace u... but did u care? did u notice? i think not...

thanks for coming? thanks for acc-ing u?? do u think i do all those things is to enjoy ur word "thanks"? i dun wish u thank me... no be.... its not... its because i love u... u know i do... i wish that u know i'm doing this because i love u...
i dun even know why am i crying because of this... its so pain... one small matter like that... u could adi like this... what is this to u?? a payback to me? i also dun even know why am i writing this for... u also dun know will see this or not...

i'm sad is not because u dun trust me... its because after one year... u compared me with that idiot... or known to be an asshole... u wan to compare me and him... are we the same?? he is an asshole.. going after his own cousin... i know u experienced be4... i know its pain to u too... u also have this conversation long time ago... we had this... cousins to me is still cousins... i wont fall for them... i wont even think of doing so... why? they are cousins... my family... not my lover... not my special one...

even if there is a girl... after me... or many girls... after me... i told u before... i told u many times too... i wont go after them... why???
i told u many times...
i wont simply start another relationship while i'm having one...
i wont simply like another girl because its not fair to my current one...
i wont simply miss any girls or have any intention on another girl...
even if the girl or girls are after me... onto me... kiss me or anything...
i wont simply go into the relationship with her...
i wont simply go and kiss her back...
i wont simply do anything except is to stop her and push her away...

why i wont simply?? its not fair to the person i'm currently in love with...
its also because u are the person i'm inlove with...
i wont simply say i love you to people, why? because i mean it.... i mean every single lovely words that i say to the person... i dint do that to anyone... i dint say that to another girl when i'm with u...

why is it u dun trust me?? am i to leave u?? am i to find another one and ditch u again?? did i find another one to ditch u before?? its all u think de... its all what u thought to be... its not me... its not what i did.... its neva me on these cases...

from samantha, to yuki, to bell, to my cousin, and to so on la... any one la, did i not talk bout this with u?? did i not say these problem to u...?? did i not write many smses to explain the situation to u?? did i not say anything about them?? any girls la... dun care who la... dun care any girl la... did i not??? all is a past d... but did i really found another one?? or did i plan to? and... if u dun believe in me... did i get another one d? or i cant get? thats why i came bek to u??
no!! if u think like that, u are definitely wrong wrong wrong!! its because i neva change my love for u...

be, i know if i say u shud be thankful that i'm explaining all to u... no guys would do it.... then u'll say, find another one that dun need to explain lo... dun say u dint say this be4... u did...
if i were to say, i neva explain so much things to a girl be4, i'm tired of explaining... then u'll tell me, go ahead and find another girl lo... why explain to u?
if u think like this... i nth 2 say... cause i'm not a player.. simply change gf...

be... there are so many words i wish to tell u... but all u give bek me is negative thoughts de... because of me? what did i do? interested in all girls but u?? talk and sms with another girl and having sweet talks with them except u? although u are with ur ballet, piano, assg, ballet assg, family then only free to bother me... i also dint stop telling u what my situation is... i dint find another one to ditch u... its not i dint do all u ask for... i tried... and i'm still trying... why am i trying??
why am i to make it so hard? because u tell me to... i respect ur words.. i rmb if i can... i make myself do so... why? its because i love you... i need u...

who is the guy to kept smsing u although u kept on teaching and dancing?? who is the guy who explains everything to u?? who is the guy no matter which girl comes and talk... no matter which girl smses him... dun care, and still only sms u the most??
who is the guy?? i dun know.. u tell me... u must be saying... if i think u r the troublesome and annoying kind of girl... stay where we are... as frens lo... dun find me lo... find another caring kind of girl lo...

NO! i dun mean this.... i din mean to... i dint even think of this... i dun wan to leave u... i dun wan u to leave me too... is that so hard yo understand my thoughts too?
i want u bek.. although i made the decisions be4, leave those memories behind k?? i knw its hard... i know its pain... i know its unfair for u... i'm sorry.. i know also sorry cant replaced the scattered glasses... give me the chance to mend it bek, at least to make the best out of it...?? ok??

be, i dun want to find any other girls anymore... if i do, its only when u r the one who dun want me... i really dun know what to say anymore... i wish for ur understanding... but u seem to like find my mistakes and made it to be like this...
why cant u understand why i smsed her? i told u d... the other way around... if i were u, u would kept thinking... why must i to sms her..?? why cant i dont layan her rite?? its because she dun have really frens or good family members... i treat her well last time is because i think that she is very kelian person... but ever since u dun like it... i start to slow down... i start to ignore her messages d... if u dun believe, i also nth to say...

lastly la... if ur cousin were to ask you, why dint u tell me u graduating? or convo? would u think that i've been talking to her?? or even smsing her?
if ur cousin were to ask u too, just now i smsed u... why dint reply when u meet up?
what were u to say?? no batt? no credit? or i dun like to sms u?
oh ya, and if ur cousin were to have no frens or family members that are close to them to talk with... what do u do?? sit there and do nothing??
and dun think all stupid things... its definitely NO NO NO and NO!!!
if u would to see this... u would have said, like that a... go help ur cousin lo... go and be her bf or sum shit like that... i dun mean that way... i told u many times... she isnt my type.. and i'm not into COUSINS!! =(

u wan to believe it or not, its up to u... it was neva a person's actions to determine the trust or not... its always the other person who wish to trust the person on his or her actions or not..

if a person were to cheat, finding another gf behind your bek... dun need to explain, and u trusted him... he would be also not having this problem... even though the another gf said i love you and i miss u... if the guy were to say, its nothing de la... sum people playing him... u would also think its so... why?? because u trusted him...

but if the person was not to cheat... telling things like now i'm telling u... just a slight misunderstanding or known to be my mistake... neva tell u only that she smsed me... u saw the message content also.. u know it meant nothing much... not all those kiss kiss or miss u or i love you stuff... even though how long is my explaination to u... how i say, or what i do... u dun trust, what is the point?? why? because u dun trust me... u still dun want to believe i have nothing for her... or anyone else... its because u kept thinking i will leave u again... this is because u dun trust me.. thats why i'm doing this explanation blog... am i not worth to trust anymore??=( u decide..

after all my doings... going to meet u although working... ( i know u will sure say.. next time dun need d... or u can dont come to meet me during work de... or other things that are similar... i dun care d... i dun want to think of further possibilities d) going to see you almost everyday... its not i want to payback of what i've done... its not because i want u bek thats why i'm so good to u now only.... its because i love you... i want u be my special de..

u always say, now i do good, after i get u bek, u accepted me.. all be lost de..
i said no, did u believe? no... u dint.. u summore gave me the example...
u begged me to come and meet u during the morning when i was with u...
i kept thinking... did u beg? am i that bad although u beg? am i that not understanding enough even if u beg?? huh?? i dun recalled u beg me that bad... i dun recall if u begged, and i was that stupid and dumb.. or a bad person...
u asked me to come during the morning... and i said no.. why? everyday also go out... how to come..?? now i even reduce the time to go out with the gang... why?? to c u lo... do u know in my heart, how special u r??

ooo... ya... u sure said this de... definitely... why am i special to u now only...?? why only now? last time leh? this is because u ditched me, and now wan me bek, only treat me that nice?? NO!! last time i dint treat u good.. is my fault... i dint treat u good enuf... i'm sorry... ( i know cant replace for all the wrongs.. but i'm still trying my best to do... sorry...) last time till now u say i dint respect u.. din listen to u... i'm also sorry... i knw even if i told u i cried or what during this blog, u would also dun believe... i can tell u... i'm having tears coming out while writing this blog... dun believe, its ur call... i came home.. i adi started writing this... not bath.. not eat... but just to write this to u... i dun wan simply another small misunderstanding... u can adi think of so many things... i'm not that complicated u know?? phoebe... just remember i always loved u... neva others...

one small problem leads to a misunderstanding, then leads to a big mistake...in the end, bad memories and quarrelling... i'm trying to do my part to let u see... why? because i know u care for me de... i know u still do... i believe in u that u still do.. be... i dun know for the future or the past, as i've made so many promises to u... and neva half was fulfilled... but i can still tell u... if u still have the heart for me... trust me... love me like u always did... i wont leave you de... i wont leave you like last time... i wont de... i was immature... playful... i know my bad... please give me the 3rd chance to make things right k?? if u still sked of any possibilities that might can happen... i'm here... not to argue.. not to quarrel... i wish is sit down in front of each other and tell out the matter...

i dun wan "its just not now".. this is how u said to me last time... i really wish that we could be lovers and couples again... i know u want de... i can de... believe i can.. i really can.. tell me what u dun like.. not in the car today... say that i'm tired.. wan to go class d... and everything, last time, even 5 mins, u are able to prepare... now u need extra 10 mins to go down?... then use sms to tell me things.. i dun like this way anymore d.. anything.. tell me in person.. i dun wan u to fu yan me just to leave me d... then say wanna leave.. wanna go d.. then sent me the sms... i dun like this... i dun even like to blog like this... :( i dun like this...:(
i dun wan to lose u... i dun wan to forget our memories... i dun wan u to leave me... :(

nw again is my fault?

why is always my fault?

did i do anything wrong? huh?

why is me always the fault? =(

do u know.. i have used many calm messages to sms u...
to tell u what i did... to tell u where am i...
to notify u who am i with... to let u know what i've finished...
to tell u MYSELF to U...

now i'm not angry, its just my opinion what has happened just now... i hope when u read this.. dun angry or anything bad k? calmly read this... anything i say affected u... i'm sorry... but this blog, also have sumthing about u de... i'll go straight to the point...

and before everything happens... u have slept 5 mins d, then started teaching...
i msg u hw many a? 3 msg? u just think one sorry will do?
u might think that i'm very selfish and small gas person... go ahead... i'm that small gas... why do u think i'm like that? u said i've changed... yes.. i have... because of matters that u have trained me... oh ya... i'm a pusher now rite? kept blaming u... be... think of it la... =( am i that small gas person?? i dint lo... i dint say why u dint sms me... why leh? today is sat, ur most busy day... why is there for me to angry leh? i think of ur day too...

think back la.. i just miss ur msgs by two only... or i told u i was working, then i cant sms u... then u'll be very upset la... angry la.... omg... what has happened??last time u will be very calm.. tell u that i'm bz... then u'll wait... after i fin bz... then i tired and also sms u la...same thing also ma... just put memories aside... is it i did sumthing bad be4 that? after that? i think its after that... the pics and everything rite? hmm....

just now u dint reply me the 3rd msg... did i felt angry? did i simply sms u? every 2nd message of urs if i have the time, only if i'm sleeping... i also would have got it.. and message u back... after 3rd message, one sorry and u think its ok adi? but did i say anything of it? did i mention anything to scold u bek? no lo... if u think bek.. u werent like that to me be4 lo... be.. i start to think... its not me which changed... its u... and u wan to say i'm a pusher again... so be it.. i also think that u are the one which changed... because really last time, u werent like this... i und u r tired and busy today... one sorry, i'll take it.. i know u are very tired of this too...

u can say i like to count this and count that... why? what makes me count? when i do bek... u angry vf me... i dint payback anything also... my point was so simple.. why couldnt u understand? i just call u to end ur day by ur bath, make nice nice... then have time for me... got wrong??

u werent like that... i know u will tahan and everything... but at least u tell me what were u doing... u would not reply me short message and say u was taking sumthing... sumthing? u last time would have explained it... if not, u must be bz... thats what i did bek for u... i really tot u were rushing or doing sumthing...
dont i know u are tired? dont i know u are very very tired and also sms me?? i know lo.. why? u slept for 5mins.. then u teach? and then from that very moment... u teaching ma rite? hw to rest?

but if u think properly, why did i ask u to bath? ur internal body is very hot de... cool down ma... why dun u cool down 1st? and then... i mai ask u to bath 1st lo... what did i do wrong? i call u to bath also seems i dun wan to sms u??

if i dun wan to sms u, why shud i kept replying? i can just put my phone there ma...
i was so affected after ur teaching... u say u cant go to the dinner with me...
i dun know whether u got defend for me or not... and i was sure u did... but u shud know that the robber case was not my fault also... she wanna think like this about me? then i think u shud have changed her mind ma... rite? then my impression to ur mum.. bad d lo? but nw after this blog thingy... my impression to u.. would also be no better... but for ur information, i did defend u a lot from my mum... she started to see good in u... but then... nw we like this... =(

think bout this la be... think la...
if i dun wanna sms u... why must i kept smsing u??
oh ya... rmb this... while i was writing this... u smsed me..
u say do what i requested... fin all ur work... yup i did say it...
but did u read properly?? did u every try to read what i say? u kept saying its me who change... but this time, its u....
u are always angry to me... a little bit thing, u angry... little bit more... u wanna scold... what is happening to u?? i adi say things properly lo... i adi call u do things 1st lo.. not free time only sms me lo.... if u have free time, i adi happy, cause i could call u go out anytime...

oh ya... and u say u were never doing 1 thing at a time... u say u must "multitask" everytime... i say be4 i'll understand... but nw is u dun understand from me lo....
i dint reject u... i dint say "I DUN WANT TO MESSAGE MYSELF TO U LO"

thats what u said... not me... i wasnt the one who rejected to sms u...it was u... its not i dun wan to sms... its not i kept calling u to do things... bathing hw u sms me?? hmm? call u bath and kau tim 1st also got wrong? i really dun wan the "wait a" then sorry... i bathing...
all of this, to u might be i'm pushing blames to u... but i can tell u, its not... its just my opinion...

i'm not angry of what u did... but i hope... when i call u to do sumthing u dun like or dun wan, ask me why did i do so... why are u pushing me... ,tell me what's ur reason also... calmly tell me.... ok?? i also wanna know ur reasons too... this way, i'll also do it to u as well... i will also ask u de...

like just now lo... if i call u to bath and kau tim urself... so that u could sms me ma.... but if u tired... but u still wan to sms me... ask me why lo... why call u to bath ma.... same thing goes for me... if u call me to do my work 1st, but i'm kinda free wor... i'll ask u why rite?? =)

all i think now is our communication is very bad... everything and everytime also quarrel... but, in person, i dun see what we quarrel lo... do u quarrel or angry with me when u c me? except for the kisses and hugs la... other than that, are u angry on me?? but for me.. i'm not.. i dun quarrel with u in the car or breaky ma.. right? why are we quarrelling then? nvm for all this la... this is what i need to change.. and u need to see also.... we are actually not having any problems... if we had, we would be quarreling in front of each other when we meet up lo... or is it u are just having patience in me? tell me... if u really dun wan... then i reduce the level until no more...

from now on... this is i say de... we dun quarrel k? i'll try to reduce the misunderstandings k?? i wanna try for us to stop quarrel... i hope u read this, dun get angry... save this relationship with me also k? i'll do my part... i know u have done urs... but let me do my part... hmmm...

PUSHER?~?

firstly i wanna say... i dint push...

secondly, i'm not a pusher...

thirdly, i'm not the one who has changed..

there is no one who changed, changes, or have been changing...
no one... its because now the environment for us both have changed...
its not me... its not also u...
there is no one...
why i say like this... its because there is an misunderstanding between us...
i dint say u wrong or i dint mean anything u are wrong...
see be...

the case of the pictures.... its me who took the pictures... i was bad,its my fault... and i tot v adi mention on this case d? hmm... but u were jealous... i just finally understand why u will jealous after last two days of argument... i dint know that the picture case means so bad to u... i understand hw u feel only after the argument... but u must tell me... we calmly sit down... then tell me... not angrily send me the message and scold me... then when the picture taking happens the 2nd time between me and pit yee... u know its my college mate... what could she do to me?? all sorts? hmm... and she posted on9... its with her blackberry... its long time really dint see each other since she was bek from ipoh and australia... so mai meet with her lo... the reason we took pics is because i have her old pics in my phone for so long... i just shown her the pics me and her only... then she say we take again to see any differences mou... then mai see lo... she say much have changed... then she posted... (i'm not making up stories... i just dun know hw to explain in the sms... its adi so long)

haiz... ai yo... u also told me... if i know its ur college mate.. i sure wont care de.... i wont be jealous that much because i know its from our college de... she is lo... my college fren... from so long... be4 i know u.... and if sumthing were to happen between me and her... omg... i wouldnt have u lo... but i dint ma... rite?? what could she do? fall in love with me? she wont de la... she wouldnt love my this kind... i know... why i know? because i know her type of boys d la... other girls i not so sure... thats why i dun have other pics... except like what u hated... (belle's pic and "baby" lo..) i really dint know anything lo...

for this "baby" thingy... i dint know at all.. if u could recall, i couldnt have the internet line like today that i've just repaid... hope to chat with u all night....
i cant see any "baby" word also lo... be, trust me la... i really dint know for this case... what u want me to do? scold her for putting "baby"?

be.. what was i trying to say was, u adi deleted my pics from ur fb d... we stated as singles d... if sum1 wrote this to me... (although i dint know.. but if i know also...) we r considered as singles ma... sum1 write to me or u... also they dint know.. u cant blame them also.. they see us as singles... i dint delete a single pic because i din wish too... but i dint know... what u mean as no turning bek... is u to forget everything about me... (we dint communicate 4that period of time... if u do like this... i'll sure think of this... same for u... if i told u no turning bek... and i deleted all ur pics... from top to toe... what will u assume? )

and also... this is not to say who's fault... in people's eyes... we are singles d... thats why i called us to be bek together... its because when we are at the eyes of people that we are singles... we would have these matters... over and over and over... then kept argue and argue... its not we changed... or i changed... or u changed... its our status has changed... thats why we are arguing like this...

and now, if i kept i saying i dint know.. u sure say.. i always i dint know la... i this la.. i that la... end up... quarreling like this again... but its true... many things we dint know is because we are not side to side... kept arguing like this has no meaning... i know my temper has to control... but this time... i'm calmly explaining what has happened...

the case of ur b'day... i know tat day was ur b'day... i know its my fault not to sms u.. neva wish u... neva wish u on the 7th too... the biggest fault is me k? i dint meant to have a credit failure and phone no battery as well... i dint mean to have this problem to happen also... i know its my fault... i know its my bad... i know its past... i know it wont happen a 22nd year old for u again... but i'm trying my best to make sure i dun forget it again... i wont forget to bring charger to charge if no battery.... i wont forget again to reload everytime near ur b'day k?? this one i'm sorry and i can promise u is because i wouldnt make ur b'day that bad ever again... and i tot there was a celebration between us for ur b'day? we could make a belated de ma... this sunday perhaps??

forgive me la be... misunderstanding happens... although we not side to side... we also can make this happen de... i'm sorry k? i'm no pusher... i dint push any fault to u.... its as if i'm saying all u bad... no be... not ur fault... i'm bad.... i'm wrong... but u also must understand, not i'm saying u are wrong again k? listen properly... read this properly... i dint push.. i dint blame u.... i'm just saying that ur temper also need to control... ur sms also need to use different words to show ur tone k? cause ur tone and ur words... gives me an impression that i'm always that forgetful... gave me the impression i'm always not having the heart to rmb ur time table... i'm sorry... i know i dint remember... but u say... "u dint rmb also, told u so many times" =.= that makes me like as if my heart is sumwhere else... at sum1 else... no be... its always and has been with u... neva change...

hmm... i dun know what that means also lo... its i'm blur? just now like u smsed me... say i blur? then i started the so called "pushing"? be.. calmly read this again... its not my fault i angry also... me dint rmb... i know its my fault for my temper... but ur smses has no tone de... if u read like this... i tot u like angrily scolding lo... summore show me faces... ok.... i know when i write like this... u also will say... i'm a pusher blaming u... then say next time u wont write the way i dun like.... u wont write this way that i dun like... u change just for this misunderstanding.... NO NO... i dun mean like this... i dun mean next time all also must be smiley faces for me... no... i just mean that if can... be urself... if can also... just say only... if i forget.. just say i forget... i forgetful... enuf lo... told u many times?? u know i forgetful... if say like this... so it makes as if i no heart de lo... i'm just asking for u to say things very calmly manner... same goes for me... no more arguing from now on k? dun listen to the phone and straight away kept blaming urself...

be... one more thing... i dun like u kept blaming urself k? i dun like u kept saying its ur fault... then in the end.. it sounds like i kept blaming... being a pusher to u.... please be... when its my fault... i calmly understand where is my fault... (i'll try to control my temper.. and really calm to understand..) but same for u... when its ur fault... then must listen to me k? anything u dun like... tell me straight away... like i dun like u and that girl together chit chat... give me time... i'll follow... rmb yuki and samantha? i did also... u say u dun like.. i din chat with them d ma... its because i treat them frens.. and i need time to so called "un-friend" them... hmm..

i'm sorry... i need to control my temper... i also need to control my sayings to u too... i just wish u everyday can sms me what u do, doing, and done... and i'll do the same... be, i rmb v have explained why i so forgetful... i rmb i told u... my head could only store 30%, if more... others i write down... i hope i could have a timetable like ur sis to tiong... i adi created my timetable for u.... to rmb all ur timings, i really need one... if i forget... and so if i dun rmb... u scold me la... ok?? then its my bad d... its not i no heart and say like u bad, u dint get me a timetable.. i shud have be more caring... get to know all ur timings.. but i really couldnt store it... when i store it... i cant rmb what i'm doing... i need to use my brain for my work and memory to rmb my work... i'm sorry.. i promise u that i will always have the timetable with me and rmb the timing to sms u... ok?

be... this time.. my fault is i dun rmb... my fault is also i sms u late... after lunch dint sms u... but misunderstandings is not caused by one person only....
u also have a little responsibility and fault to consider....
its ur tone to say people...not saying until people like no heart... its u awake, really dint sms me also lo... i rmb u always awake, dun care i doin wat.. u will sms me... @.@ i'm awake... hmm.. but today, u dint lo... then i dint know u can wake up for teaching.. because i dint know u woke up... then our anger came out again...

from small misunderstandings, to wrong timing... to bad temper of me... i'm sorry again... i know my faults... but i hope that in ur mind, next time... i'm no pusher and i hope u know there is sum of ur faults too... be... rmb... i dun push blames to people and say i'm right... i dun push all kinds of blames to u and just say u r wrong... and i'm right...

be, i dun wish to make an impression to u that i'm a pusher... its because we are singles.. and i made the decision last time... and now i wish i could make the decision so that we could be back together... u want us to stay as frens... rite? i know the decision couldnt change... i know the decision once made, couldnt be altered... doesnt it sound like a rule to u? rules cant change or altered once done?
be... all i'm asking is the 3rd chance... 1st is because of my dad's case.. i dint wan it to happen also... no money is always an issue... because i need the money just to see u... (its not i mean that everytime i c u.. must use money k?, its sumthing like this..)if i no money.. hw to drive and meet u? meet u dun need money... but my car does... no car.. i also cant c u... rmb that situation? why must i so called "ditched" u? or known to break up? if i dun see u... dun chat with u... it'll end up like this... kept arguing... that moment.. i din want us to be like this...
2nd... is because that u think i got affairs and many misunderstandings on ur b'day too.. there isnt a point for me to say d... u think i got affairs.. means u dun trust me... (be... i know u trust me.. its not i want to bring this issue again... but just assume the other way around... i ask why is there so many brothers of urs? and then many gorgor stuff and talkings... i dun like hw they sounded too..... it sounds like u having affairs also lo... rite? no ma... its because i trust u... thats why i dun bring this matter to u...) thats why i kept saying u dun trust me... i know taking pics with girls.. is my fault.. but "baby", "miss me a?" and others is not i flirt or anything to get that kind of message in fb... but think once more... its us not being into the relationship, we are singles, and u deleted all pics of me and u... there isnt any connection between us... so people write like that, there is no wrong... next, its u dun trust me... u could have asked why she call u baby or missed me? not start shooting me by "omg... hw i can take this... hw i can tahan this thingy..? baby???" no be... listen and read carefully... i dint know anything lo.. i know u will be pissed and angry... but for myside... i really dun know a single thingy of that message that is sent to my fb profile also... this is why i kept saying u dun trust me... and kept giving u the impression i'm a pusher lo... kept blaming u... hmmm... i know its my fault to take pics vf her... but it was way be4 the baby was said... i was going to ask u... hw is her looks.. then delete d... from the working pics... u could c that i have no credit at 1st.. then left a bit of battery... then take pics.. one place after another... take one pic.. then work.. then waiting... then take.. then work.. i know its my fault.. i shud have find a phone to contact u but not taking pics.. my fault... i know i started this bad impression to u... dint do as a bf shud do... but what i think is u shudnt kept shooting... people also dun know... hmm.. neva mind la... (my sayings for this incident is long adi... dun wanna kept it so long.. its past d... and its long because this is the case of us for the 2nd time...)

my meaning of there is no wrong or right is because v both also got wrong... i'm wrong... and u are wrong too... usually its like this, both wrong only misunderstandings happens...

again... lastly... i'm no pusher and i'm sorry.... hope u understand what am i going through... and i'll try to change k? write in here if u want to reply on what was ur situation... i'll understand and try to adapt.. (but mostly i adi know d... because u have said to me and i've stated on top...)and i really really hope... u could be my gf once more.. i dun want all kinds of u like and i like d... i also dun like to type that d... i'm sorry i started typing it first k? (dun care who type 1st, but its my fault too k? to fire bek like that... hmmm, sorry..) i just really wish the days of us being together happens again... i really really hope u could be my gf once more...hmmm... i dun wan to wait no more... the more v wait.. the more v hate each other... why? its because of all these misunderstandings... be, be my gf once more k? leave this all behind k? we start a new one... forget the pain.. rmb the experiences.. dun commit again mai can lo? i'll try de... give me one more chance can ma?

5th December 2010

5th December 2010
It is also hard and sad for me to see the next update on the blog is this….
Dear.. u can call me ur dear anytime and anywhere u want to…
Cause it is also so hard for me to change the calling suddenly… I felt awkward from the minute we ended; hard for me to change my callings to u…  especially I was in the bus going to mainblock to get the car…  hmmm…

I love you too dear… I also really do… dear… I also dun wish to have a break up… this small matter can make us separate… I also dun want to…  if only I could have the button, trigger, or switch to change this decision or not to breakup…  dear, although its love that we have… but then I’m not saying I’m giving up on sustaining the relationship… it is just the problem that I’m having that causes us separate… I know I’m selfish…  but I can’t do anything to help it… I’m sorry… I wish to do sumthing of it… but so many days of thinking… how do we overcome this matter… the ways… the solutions…  cant make any difference… hmm… I also want to share with u… so everything that I told u… is everything more than I told my buddies… everything is to tell u what am I running through… tell u what have I been through… and update u with my current situation.. dear… I want u to be beside me as well.. but then… I just dun know the way we could stay together… I really out of my mind…
One week once to meet each other? Hmm… because u r my loved one, so I wish to give u all my time and no time to separate us… but then… one day… isn’t much enuf for me too… not only for u… hmm.. I just dun know how to be a good bf… I really dun know how to give u the right happiness that u want… I’m just not the best… always there are major problems… issues… this … that…  making us so hard to be together… hmm… that is why I told dear to find another guy than me… although I dun like it… I dun want any guy to touch u… I dun want any guy to kiss u or hug u… but I have no chance to make this decision or choice adi… I cant stop anyone to touch dear anymore… I cant stop any guy to come near u anymore… I’m not given the chance at all adi also… cause I dun even know I could take care of myself or not… and my family issues… hmm… caused us to separate… so I cant do anything for dear anymore… make decisions for u… create solutions for u…. we need to be apart…  dear… I know… if u want to find a guy… it would be easy for u… just snap, sure got d… I just hope u could find a better guy than me in future… no problems, issues, matters or anything… hmm… dear… u told me before that how I looked during the first day when we are together… u told me also that how u loved my looks… I rmb… I also rmb how I kissed dear in the class… it was Thursday… after a movie… then we started since then… now it becomes from “memories of us…” to “passed sweet memories of us…” hmm…

just now u were messaging me tell me the purple pendant is broken… cant mend or repair it back… it seems to be like our heart too… once broken… cant mend back… I know dear is having heart pain worst than me… heart pain like stabbed by a knife… can’t take out the knife… dun know how to take out… bleeding badly… pain… I know how it feels… but I also dun know how to make it less pain or no pain at all… although I know its my problem… but I just dun know how to mend or repair myself or to make ur pain to be lesser… in fact, I made dear more sad… I know dear more san fu than me… hmm… I dun know how to tell dear also on the breaking up… I’m so confused… I also knew that u know what I am bout to say d… I know this… but then… I dun know how to open the topic to dear… dun know how to start at all… dun know how to open my mouth too… cause I dun wish to end so fast too… I dun wish to open this topic to dear at all… I dun wish to…

Dear… I’m sorry for having u to break up with me after 1 year… I wish to be longer… I dun wish to have u sit alone the Dr Café alone… I know u dun like to alone… same as me… I also dun like to be alone… dun like the feeling of alone…
Now having little messages between us for the past 2 days… its because I’m missing dear’s messages too… the caring and lovely messages… the happy and supporting messages… I’m missing that too… I miss the days with u at Dr café drinking coffee… sitting at the corner… hugging u to have the coffee… or being together to sit there and do our stuff… waiting for u at the place… going to the cold air-cond toilet… going a walk at solaris… going to sushi king… going to cold storage… going to the toilet… at the carpark too… dear… I know all of this… money cant buy… its all our happiness together… I dun want this breakup to happen too… but do I have a choice? I’m not sure I have… 
I also dun know why… this is like our separation letter or blog post… which I hardly could write much…but I know I’m writing a lot de… I also dun know what to say d… its just following dear’s messages and sentences in the blog, explaining how am I without dear… how bad am I that I dun have dear… how regretted am i… how pain am I making this decision… how my tears coming down… hmm… I know dear would be few times worst than me… I’m so sry!!~~ 

my tears also coming out nonstop while I’m writing this in my room… I really have no mood to go out… I also dun know what to do at home… wondering at home… no mood to even go out for dinner… dear… I haven’t been eating dinner for 2 days… ate little for lunch… non for breaky at all… morning till night… just 1 small meal… like half a bowl of rice… for the whole day… parents ask y d… I just told dem… no appetite… I’m sorry dear… I lied to dear again… I just dun want dear to worry bout me… (although I know u will worry… but its adi past d, so u will worry less by today… hope that u wont worry so much of me… I’ll take care myself… so must u k?=( ) Now like dear… my tears is automatically coming out… I’m so sad… why my dad… why this… why… why… why……..!!! hmmm…. I feel like screaming…!! Hmm… my heart is so pain right now… I just dun knw why I need to make this decision!! Jason say I got the choice… what choice do I have? Why it have to be me?? Whyyyyyy…..:( my heart now is broken and so pain…. Like last time… I just dun want another few months to be like this… I want dear to see me smiling… laughing… happy look… not like now… 
Dear… there is also many things I WILL DEFINITELY rmb bout u… u wont be erased in my mind… ur pictures… ur looks… ur dresses… ur clothes… ur smell… our trips… our outings… our pictures together… I miss ur face… I miss ur shiny and nice smell de hair… how u every time told me… how nice is it… I seem to ignore… in fact, its I LOVE it… the smell is so nice on dear…. but now I really missed it… I missed it…. Really bad… I need to smell dear from far… cant simply play with it anymore… cant simply touch the silky hair anymore… i miss u massage my back for me… sit on my lap… lie on me… hug me… kiss me… I miss u so much… I’m bitting my teeth to write this… tears kept coming out… I miss the smiles on dear… how I could tickle dear… how I made dear smile… how I made dear felt so happy…. But now… I felt so bad… making this decision… my tears wont stop coming out…
Dear… I dun want to cry in the classroom because I want to stay a good look for dear to rmb… since now u cant see me… tears kept rolling like water tap… my specs is filling with my tears… I really dun wish I made this decision…
Actually I cried in the car while going back… then run into my room after bkb and continued… I dun dare to come out… just bath and then think of dear… then sit on my bed and then tears came out… I miss the days of u on my bed…. my eyes is this first time so swollen… this morning till now… only Jason and TK saw my eyes swollen when we are out awhile… they dint ask anything… they know… how bad am I…. how awful bf I could be…. And how sad am i… but compared me to dear… dear would be more sad… more heart pain… after that, straight away went home and straight into my room… walkabout in the house when parents are out…
Then while on9 outside, I saw my FB status is only “in a relationship…” I dint know dear changed it so fast… I’m so sad to see that… I dint wish to see that on my profile… my profile pic remains the same… I dun feel like changing it so fast or even changing it… do we really need to clear out the situation so fast? Hmmm… I really missed that moment in SUNWAY…. I hug u till the end… whole day together….:(

dear..i love u sitting in my CLK.. dear… u still got the chance 2 sit in dat.. but I just think it wouldn’t be the same feeling… couldn’t hold ur hand… couldn’t kiss u when coming in the car or going out of the car… dear… I really like it when u rmb all the things that I’ve said… although u seem to fu yan me… but I know u’ll rmb everything what I say… I really appreciate what u’ve said too… I’m grateful to have u as my gf… I’m so happy when u firstly accepted me… but I dint know we cant make it through next year… I really felt that I’m no use… for so little problem… not even my problem… i cant fix it…  dear… although u like to see how I drive… but then… I love the most is when I hold ur hand and drive… it feels like although the car is breaking off, but we wont be leaving each other…. And the best but dangerous is… I’m hugging dear… dear lying on me… and I’m driving the car… it felt so short time at that moment on the way back from One utama to college… but then I LOVE it… and started to missed it adi… cause we couldn’t do this anymore… I was like thinking before this when we could do that again? When can we do that on a long straight road…? So I could hug dear long enuf and dear lie on me and sleep…  but now…. We cant do it anymore d… hmm… just for one small matter of my family… my tears now coming out even more… causing me to stop and continue… stop to wipe my tears… and then continue typing…  dear… if I have a choice… I wouldn’t have chosen this path… I dun like this way or decision….:( if I could only do sumthing…..
dear… I was waiting for sumthing for so long as dear I think u are as well… its dear seeing me playing basketball…. While slowly changing my clothes for the basketball time… I recalled I always message u as soon as when I arrived… I always waited some of my time…to message dear and waiting for ur replies… but then… last Friday… I dint get to message dear or get messages from dear… its gone d… while playing bkb… there were no messaging between us… making me no mood to play… played until very bad… and many of the phones kept ringing… its not my phone… its not my ringtone… it was others phones… not mine… not a single message between us… not a miss call even… nothing… usually there would be messages from dear saying u reach home… call me to jia you in the bkb… enjoy the game… after the game, ask me how is the game is… hmm…  I felt so lonely that moment… I miss dear so much… dear have influenced me so much… I just wish one day u could sit there and see me play basketball… I would feel more energetic… omg… dear…… I MISS U SO MUCH!!!~~~  but this day… for me and dear… would be just a wish… that cant be granted… see me play bkb from nw onwards would also wont make any changes… from now… we would be frens… instead of… ahhhH!!:( I dun want…  I just dun want… dun want… dun want… there is adi no chance for u to see me play anymore… no chance for u to see me in the bkb games… I really dun wish this breakup to happen…

when dear say how nice is my writing… although I dun feel anything nice bout it… but I feel happy… dear look so surprised and happy to see my notes… it makes me feel so happy and that u appreciate my notes… although u dun know most of the things written… but then… it really make me feel that dear treats it very important…  dear… now I’m also looking at the b’day card u sent to me… reading it over and over… made me felt so appreciated… so happy… our 6mths anny… “dear, 6mths of Kiss”, “a heart and a smiley face with the tongue…”I’m so happy… 17 cupcakes… I remember I brought home eat the rest de… then mum and the auntie ate the last 2… I miss the days… I’m looking at the pictures…. How much u suffered and went through just to make the cupcakes for me… the chocolates… the drawings and cuttings…  I miss u… I miss so much… the chocolates dear… the sweet chocolates…  dear…. Dear… dear…  my tears kept falling down… even more when I’m writing this part… omg… how to stop my crying? Hmm… why is it me to stop this relationship? Why must we??!! Why my dad is giving this problem to us?? Hmmm…….. AHHHHhhhhh~~!!! Hmm… why!! Why!! Dear… I’m so sry…. I’m very sorry… dear… please forgive me…
Everywhere I bring my bag… the green color box that stores the toothpicks of “dear, 6mths of Kiss”, is always in my bag… “a heart and a smiley face with the tongue…” is always in my toolbox… the pictures are all in all my computers and my hard disk… it was never thrown anywhere else but in my pencil box and my bag only… everywhere I also brought it along… hmm… I miss u so much…. I’m sorry dear… I promised dear to make one b’day card for u too… but till now… I haven’t been fulfilling all my promises to u…. so many empty promises made… I HATE MYSELF…. Really feel like doing something stupid….  its just not I dun dare… its just I have so many people I dun want them to be sad… especially u… so many things I cant simply left behind… my family…. U…. hmmm… I still HATE myself… for not remembering all the things that I’ve promised dear…
dear… I dint know u wanna plan so many things for me for next year… all my plan is to bring dear to somewhere for valentines day and ur birthday… for 5 days 4nights trip for both trips… I really want to have another long holiday like what we have in Genting… although Genting was short… but I really enjoyed it… I really wish to have once more… but now cannot d… cannot like last time d…. I know dear is more wishing to have it more than me…. But then… hmm… I dun know how to go again with dear…  the chances… would be very low…  dear… the BROS bottles.. Actually I found the white twins… custom made de… it is at a shop nearby my place… I found it d… they say it will be coming with the valentine’s twins… I was waiting for that…. To be our couple bottles… although it looked fake BROS bottles… but its made of steel… so I think its sustainable… I really wish I could get it for both of us… making hot coffees with it… 
dear… the floral dress… act, I knw u have a dress d…. cause everytime I told dear about the dress… u gave me the feeling that u have adi owned one… I just kept quiet only….:( but dint know… I dint have the chance to even have a glimpse of it… the chances of the dress being seen by me… 0%, the chances of the dress being seen by other people… 80%... 20% is depending dear want to wear or not… dear… I really wish most of the outings… u could dun wear jeans and t-shirt but dresses… that make dear look pretty like in the Sushi King… after ur work… we had the meal and the dress was looking good on dear… hmm… but then… I wouldn’t have the chance d… 

dear… I know there would be a choice for me but is it for me to choose? Or for me to follow only?… I might be wrong on my decision made… but for now… I need to stick with my decision as the things have gone even bad for my dad… hmmm…. Money for us kept being lesser and lesser….  I know u respect my decision… I’m sorry dear… I dint respect u at all… I dint respect your decisions… I’ve neglected u… I also dun know what to say… other than the word “sorry” and “its my fault”, I also dun know what to tell dear…  thank you dear… for respecting my decision… supporting me… guiding me… help me to go through the year of 2010… I really missed the 370 days of us being together… from 19th November 2009 to 3rd December 2010… exactly 370 days…  I just wish we could have went well… dint have to make this decision… this move… this stupid ACT of MINE!! I really hate myself so much… felt so sick of myself…

dear… I felt so bad that I made dear cry nonstop… I also can’t stop since just now…. I just can’t help it too… I just wish I dint made this decision… I just wish that I dint have to say the words of break up… I just wish I could take it all back… I’m just HOPELESS~~~ AHHHHHhhhhhh!!!~~~~
dear…. I can’t take care of u from now on…. Dear… please dear… I just want u to take care of yourself… I just want u to be well…. Please dear… take care of yourself properly…. dun always eat fried or grilled food… when drink coffee then drink more water…. Always make sure u drink more water when I’m not beside u… there wouldn’t have me anymore to remind u to drink water anymore… no more reminding dear to drink more water… dear…. Please… drink more water… stay healthy for yourself k? stay well… and be always PINKY LOVE… 

dear… I really wish that u could forgive me… I just commented on her pic… because its new… no other reason… I dint miss anyone except u…. dear… always u see me talk to girls… talk until very close…. But actually I’m thinking of u every moment… in my mind, I always rmb how u used to stand, smile, kissing me… the looks of urs… its not like I treat all them like u…. its just I kept seeing u in my mind… hmm… its true dear… I really miss u so much…. Dear… if I want to start back the relationship… I hope u could be the first one to accept me back… hmm… I dun dare to promise what might happen next time… but if can, I really wish u could be the first one to accept me back…  I know the possibilities of it to happen would be little… but…… hmm…. I really want… hmm..:(
dear…. Luckily tomolo is Sunday… so that I could hide myself in my room… I dun know how long I will be crying… since yesterday till now… I also dun know how long I’ve been awake to think the matter of my dad and think of u… I haven’t been sleeping since yesterday till now… not even touched the bed… I’m not tired… I just switch on the computer and kept looking at the pictures of us… over and over again… recalling all the pictures of us together… where were we… did what… had what food… what activities done… and before the breakup… I took so many pictures so that I could show dear…but most of it hasn’t shown to dear… like today…. I took a lot of pictures… where I’ve been, what have I done… it is not for my memory only… its for us… so I could tell dear… what have I done…. Who am I with… who the people I’ve met are… Not as prove to dear… but its just letting dear to see the picture of what I’ve done… but then… I just realized that I’ve neglected dear this time… hmm….
Even the BM lecturer also kept asking of where is u… why dint see u today…. Ask why my phone dint kept ringing… or vibrate…. Because she also knew how close we are… how good relationship we are…  but then… I really, really dun know what to do…  its confusing… I really dun know what to say d…. to write this long… I just followed dear’s message in the blog… if u realized… hmmm.. I really dun know what to tell dear…. My nose is also pain, pain… no matter I breathe in or out… no matter I blow my nose or rub it… cause I’ve been nonstop crying and thinking of dear…. My nose stuck since yesterday… hmmm… so rubbed until my nose adi bruises…

dear… I really hope my life will be better soon… everything goes back like to the 1st day I knew dear…. There is no problem for us… no matter… no issues… no problems… just us… and only us….:(
Dear… I also hope that u could promise me… take care of yourself when I’m not around… take care of your health… and when u are outside alone or not… remember to drink more water…. Dun eat so much of grilled or fried food although I know u like it… but then… try to just eat a little… then drink lots of water… and dun make yourself so tired from your dance… your work…. Because your ankle pain came back… your anti-body isn’t that good also… so, u must take care… dun be so careless adi… cut yourself also dun know… when tired… no one to help u to massage d… so u must really take care… if u want… call me or sms me… I sure help dear to massage de… ok? Hmmm… hmmm… dear… I’m not there for u adi… so please… promise me…. Take care of yourself properly… I dun want to have anything to happen to u…. dear… stop crying d… just let this to pass k? Hmm… I dun want u to have anything bad… I dun want your eyes to get swollen like mine now… I really dun know what else to say… dun know…. Really dun know…. There is so much things of u for me to take care…. but from 3rd of December 2010, Friday… I cant take care of u anymore… I cant concern on u like I always do… I cant kiss u, sayang u, hug u, tickle u, massage u, and touch u like I always do… I cant anymore… i… i… i… I’m so sry… 
“dear..i love u so much~if u say u love me..i love u more~kisskisskisskiss..” this sentence dear…. I want to rephrase it back to u… I really mean it… that is why I dun always say “I love u, dear”, cause every word of it that I’ve said… I really mean it….:(

dear..i love you..i love you till the max too!!~~ take care of yourself when no matter u r in Malaysia or in Japan… just take care of yourself…. K?

LOVE and Always, Jack Foo Pang Ban, 5th December 2010

3rd December 2010

Its so pathetic 2 see a break up blog right after our 1st yr anny blog..

dear.. pls allow me 2 cal u dat 4 de last time..k?

i love you dear.. i really do~ i duno dat such a matter can cause us 2 break up..cz 2 me as long as there is love, i wil try my best 2 sustain de relationship..i oso face prob dear..but i wan u 2 share vf me go through vf me..n vf all my heart, i'm willing 2 do de same 2 u dear.. cz u r my love one..

u said in de classroom jz nw..find a better guy..if i wanted a better guy.. i wont b here vf u after 1 yr..u r my dream guy..de guy dat i wanted n i get..but sadly onli 4 a year..de day i step into help..i saw u~i like u~n much more..i can never forget seeing u in dsa,vf ur blue bag,n de gold pin at ur collar vf a pair of slippers..i jz like it..

dear..i'm in dr cafe writng dis..having my fav caramel frappe vf whipped cream..wat m i missing??its u dear..de sofa is empty,but no1 is 2 share vf me 2 sit there again~i wan 2 do de things i like best n hv my fav drink..dear..there's no taste..u see..money cant buy happiness..

dear..there's so many things i wana rmb bout u~b4 everything in my mind get empty..i wana rmb hw u look..every part of ur face,i wana rmb ur big palms dat i love so much,i wana rmb my water bed,i love 2 see hw big u r..hw tall u r..cz it makes me small n u treat me like a precious~can jz b wrap in ur arms..n no 1 will attack me..i feel safe in ur arms dear..onli urs..

dear..i love ur CLK..i gt no chance 2 sit in dat anymore..i dun mind 2 gt a small car..but i love it~cz dear oways say hw gud izit..n ur 'KELISA POWER' dear..i love de way u drive,sumtimes u drive,i like 2 jz suddenly watch u n smile..cz u look so man when u do so~concentrate n steady~driving vf 1 hand,turning vf 1 hand..n driving seems so easy 4 u..i jz love see u drive..

dear,i love 2 hear u say hw much i've influence u..cz it makes me feel, i hv adi go into ur life~eat less rice,more vege..eat my fav wan tan mee..n feel no mood if eating alone..so many more dear..so many more..

dear..i wana rmb ur neat writing..ur neat notes..super love ur writing dear..dear..i kept reading bek de valentine card u wrote 4 me at the curve do u remember?short n sweet..dats de onli card dat i left 2 see bek ur writing dear..cz u onli wrote 2 me 1 love letter~

dear..i've adi plan out wat 2 get 4 u dis yr n next yr..things dat u nid~shoes..clothes..pants..n want 2 get de type u like n suit u~i'm searching 4 de bros bottle dat we wanted 2 b our couple bottle..black de dear..1u no more stock..i called ppl help me find..now i can stop doing it de..

dear..u said mayb i'l look nice in long floral dress..i tried 1 n bought it de dear..i wanted 2 wear it 4 our anny..i wan dear 2 see me pretty..i wan gv dear surprise..i noe u cant afford dear..so i dun ask anymore n kept de dress de~

dear..i respect ur decision..u noe..my wallpaper.. love is respect..den do u respect my decision dear??do u think hw i feel when u make de decision dear?but since de decision is made,i'll follow dear..

i cant stop crying..no i din cry..its de tears kept falling down demself when i'm writing dis~i cant control dear..i'm sorry..i cannot promise 2 take care of myself..dis i cannot promise u~

for de fb..dear change de relationship status since its ur decision dear..n since we adi broke up~although i miss u so much dat will cry every nite.. but we stil gota hv a clear cut of de situation now~

dear..in de sms u wan me 2 forgive u~but when i see ur fb again~u find bek yee huan..i oso duno u izit miss her o nt~i'm so confuse~i'm jz sad nt angry..u said we could cont b friends n love me..i hope u do wat u say~n not get anothe gal after a month..in dat case..i'll never forgive u anymore~

dear..i hope ur life will b better soon..i hope ur family probs will end soon..n sum1 will help u all~cz i dun wan dear suffer oso~

dear..i love u so much~if u say u love me..i love u more~kisskisskisskiss..

dear..i love you..i love you..

love, phoebe chiew shu ping 3rd december 2010