After the Ching Ming, depression starts...

since i've been neglected my blog for weeks... due to assignments...
so i think i'll have the time to do so...
kinda sien with my life...
what is to be done with my time?
always at home?
like today...
after the morning 6am wake up and ching ming at nilai memorial park and nearby my house de hillside... its seems boring of me... tired but then boring...
after the bath and eaten some bread for lunch... no mood to eat...
watch tv also no good movie or show to watch...
so boring in my life... wish to go out.. but then, it seems very lonely...
dont know where to go.... what is the feeling to be always noticed?
at least someone calls u out... or understanding ur feelings, wouldn't it be good?
deep in my heart... there is no feeling towards me.. i dun feel it...
dun know what is happening to me... just felt of my heart is being pain...
i dont know why... really felts like being alone...
like an ice cream neva being licked by anyone and melts slowly... that is so cold and depressing...
i think there are many people who is suffering more than me... but i just feel boringness and lonelyness within me...dun really feel like doing this and that... felt there is no friends... if there it is... i dun see them beside me.. or around me...
i'm really dead lonely... i really dun know... hmm...
home is sick... home is stress... parents are naggy... parents calls u... then u must do...
they dun give a damn on ur feelings and treats u like a shadow... a robot... with no feelings on me... this feeling that ur parents treats me... is killing... then treats u like a super robot that what also call u do... then say u are young ma... where will tired de? then go out so late can? nw call u do things cannot?

what la... i'm at outside because i need a time out... time break... just to avoid u guys... alone outside be4... sitting on a swing and simply thinking about things... dun really know what to do? i dun wish to put stress or depression on anyone...
but then, i dun know what can i do...

very sien at home... very tired of home... my heng tai calls me to go on a vacation... i think so... but i think i will think many more things...
the family is all me me me and me... all needs me... cant they understand my feelings before asking me me and me... my brother is not to be compared, but he is a part of the family... cant he do something for the family as well... everyday early morning comes back.. sleep until late afternoon... then goes out to work... like a king at home... and i'm a servant? no nagging done to him but me?
u parents say that u all have tried ur best of nagging... but u all dint do any actions... not beat him up... its just use actions like u all did it to me? cant u all do that?

i may sound like i'm being prejudice on my brother...
i may sound like that i'm being jealous of his acts...
although i know how bad my brother is, and my brother cannot be hope...
although i know that my brother will pay for his deeds...
but then, i'm the one suffering nonstop...
i'm the one killing myself for the family without any noise said by me...
i dun dare to even shout aloud in here...
alone in my room writing this stupid thing...

all i wanna say is i'm depressed of my brother's actions that lead me to be so suffering... alone without my frens around me... and alone where no one cares bout me rather than scolding me... =(

since there is no one to bother me... no one to cared for me... i also dun know who is supporting me... who is trying their best to accompany me in person... haiz... (unless my dear... which is far away from me... but handphone and on9 msn cannot replace my missing for dear...) hmm...