Be, I never even scold you before:(

Be, Today at 09/12/2012, Approximately 12am, you tell me "no point, the time now I'm sorry, then next time I'll scold you?"

No. Be, No. I din scold you before. If I made you think that i'm scolding you, I'm sorry. I dint intend to scold you.

I dint even raise up my voice on you. Just once on the phone. That was what i remembered. But then, Never once after that.

Messages can be a little thing. Where by my voice and tone cant be sent together. I dint once scolded you. All the quarrels we had, all the arguments we had, I dint want them to happen. I just dint want everything like that to happen between us.

I already have no time to even care for you. I already dont have time to even sayang and love you. why must i make the time for us to argue and scold you? Why dont i make more time to love you more instead?

Why should I make the mess and cause more trouble by scolding you? :(

I am adi very very sad because you are sad. I am very very pain when we argue and quarrel. every time i come back to the case that we have argued, every time I come back to the things we argued at, I am so depressed. Why am i doing this?

of all that, i always asked me what have i done?

So, why do you think I have scolded you? how do you even think that i have scolded you? I really dint:( :(

I just want the days so badly for us to be together. A word "yes" means to me so much that it would change my life. The word from your mouth to give me "yes" would just turned me from Hell to heaven. Changing me totally. trust me once more. I would prove myself to your trust to me that I have no chance to even scold you cause I would love you so badly until i would be just saying instead of scolding.

I really love you so much until i em se dak to scold you. Dont think I've scold you ok? I really din. Not even once in the messages. really de.:(

I missed you every single day. I've missed you so much. why must I scold you? why must I even raise my voice over you?

If i did. I am really really really really sorry... :( I am really sorry that i have made you think i am scolding you. I dont really know how to scold a person unless that person made me mad. But you are my love of my life, instead of making me happy and your smiles to me would melt me, do you think i would scold you? dont think. dont think that i would scold you. dont..:(

what is the meaning of caring?

Sometimes i wonder, why must I care about?

1. Care a bit less for the person - why you care for me so little? why are you not caring enough?
2. Care a little more - why you kept bothering me? leave me alone la..

Why are we being from lovers to haters? haters to ignorance?

what is happening? what did I do wrong? care more also wrong, care less also wrong. just nice you think I'm being fake.

It was always your decision to say anything to do. I am not pushing any of my responsibilities to you. I'm not blaming you for everything you have done.

Your decision to stop everything, stop our relationship, stop your chats to me, stop everything and it is everything. How am i to tell you anything?

there was no real conversation between us. its was just talking and talking but without any tolerance on each side. For a clap to happen, there is always both sides to be blamed. not only one person as in me only.

I know it was my fault, but i also know that its not entirely my fault. not that i want to blame you on it as well or anything. but it was both of us. the problem was always in us.

Anything also its ok, never mind, and etc. leaving the problem like that, causing us to argue and quarrel everytime. Dont you see it as well? You might think that the problem was solved, but it hasnt. it always brought back into our argument. nevertheless, all the quarrels relates to every problem we have.

I tried to make it up. I have tried to show how sorry i was. I have also apologize my mistakes. is it all my mistakes? all mine only? even i dun think so, but i had to take all the mistakes and fault myself. I brought myself down, leaving all the dignity and everything as a man. apologizing and showing how sorry am i for that day. I am making things up. it takes time. not a second i'm sorry, the next i'm not.

Even that you are ignoring me, I dun know you would be seeing this or not. I dont mind. I put in everything for you. Just for you. what else you want and what else I didnt do? whats more? How am i to know whether what you want when you just play ignoring?

Its ok. Its enough? I want to make a decision just for us. I want to have those days back. I have waited long enough for this very day to come. when you are able to end your studies and have more time. you have more dances and classes, I dont care. I dont care that you have no more time at all. All i want was like those days, where you can spend time for me a little, going out for dinner once a while and have the chats and smiles for me, having the long hour chats instead of quarreling and many others we used to do.

I really am out of my mind. All i want and All i decided, its all up to waste when you just dont want it. you might think its done, just like that. A switch to on and off? is it our relationship so easy?

The two days, where i got the time and money back, to just go out with you. Was the moment that I would not forget and I would give anything just to have it back. Is it so hard to give it to me back? why is it so hard? I am totally clueless and lost. What was the thing that made you so hard on your decision?

I have thought so long. causing me having sleepless nights for these past months. Having sleeping pills wasnt going to bring me to sleep well. You were the light of my life. but now, the light has gone. Total darkness. every night has come, i had to think of ways to make myself rest. I am having the pressure because you have left me. now, ignoring me as well. what did I do? I wasnt jealous anymore. I wasnt the kind of guy would simply angry because of small things.

Those two days, What i have shown you was the change in me. I wasnt talking to you much anymore by those days. I have seen back the messages and everything. I know most of your timetable, but i dont know all of your timing and decisions on something. Its not that I must know or anything, Its just a small wording about it, and I'll respect that to the very end.

So what did I do now? is it because we are having the routines to much? if you dont want, just say it. let me know that you dont want so many times of the routine. I'm clueless if you dont tell. I'm not the person that would know if you dont tell. We dont have telepathy minds. If it is the case, just let me know. Is that so hard to tell?

In a relationship, if one party is not willing to let the other person know, this leads to like this. Dont you see it?

I am now very down because not we broke up. its because you decided to just leave me aside and have your happy life. You think you moved on like that and you would be happy again. you are. I can see it. Happy and dont need to even look at me for a moment?

Even to pass me the books back, you are not willing to just see me for the few minutes to bring it to me. Am i that irritating or that ugly person to look at? am I? why you cant just bring it to me?

I tried to let you know, one lunch with me giving the books back to me, sitting facing each other and I wont even touch you anymore. I know we have broke up and we cant cuddle like we used to be. I missed that so much and although i want it badly, but i know we cant. I just want to see you once more. is that so hard to make it up?

Now i feel so stupid that I'm just writing this blog telling out my feelings. I know that you wont read my blogs anymore. I know that I'm just a stupid guy giving so much for things have passed by. But everyone have mistakes. To me, it was just a stupid mistake to let you know my password. I know it was a damn stupid mistake. The more stupid mistake was the decision you had, I have to follow it. I had to be stupid enough to let you go.

But did i have the choice? I dont actually. You said that even if I dont break up, you still will leave me. what was I to do? the moment that i have decision was, to cut my wrist and let it bleed. Not for you, it was for myself. I decided to let me life end just for you. But the decision was just changed by my mum. I had to change my life now?

The more I tried to forget, the more i tried to let you out of my mind, the more you are there in it. I cant stop thinking of you. I really cant stop. Could you even save me once more? Could you?

No point of me saying all these. Cause I know that you wont even look at my blog anymore. I just dont know what I could do with my life without you. I missed all those things that we usually do. I missed those things that we usually say as well. Numbers of you would just pop up every time I tries to forget.

Numbers like "3", "7", "89", '19','11' and many more. It just brings me back to you. Why?? WHYY??? why are we to this extend? Its just not worth it just to wait so long for you, but in the end, when i dun give up anything of you, You gave up on me. You just gave up and walked away like that. the more i tried, the more i got rejected. worst was being ignored.

Come on. Just books to pass to me. is that so hard? was i to ask you to do much? if you dun want to see me, ok. i respect your decision. Ask your sis to come out from your house to pass me the books when you are not around. Is that so hard? Dun wan to see me also have many ways. I'll just call your sister to come out when I'm there. Give me the books and i'll leave for good. I know you dont even want to see my face. I am irritating person to you adi. Whatever i do is just nuisance and nonsense. Whatever I do, to you is nothing. nothing at all.

I just want to make a decision that you would try to follow. I would just want to make everything up for you. I have tried since the day we broke up. Is it just too late? when was the time I broke up with you? it was I'm very very stressed up and i think i couldnt bring happiness to you. I brought you down. But you pulled me back up. Why now you brought me down. I tried to climb back up, but was kicked down again by you. Worst is I'm bout to reach, I just need a hand from you, I got ignored. You dont show me the hand. just let me fall back again.

what has happened? Just for a password? I know it was late that i let you know. But what i remembered was that time, we left with hugs and kisses. then next time was different. it was for something else. you just said that we are just quarreling too much on small matters and I've tried to make it all up. Just for you. But you decided to let go even if I said no about breaking up. You just made it and left. walked out of my car and thats it. I tried to contact you, I tried to message you, I tried everything and everything was just nothing to you.

October, i really thought that you are trying to make it up for me. the pictures we had in the cake shop. I really really thought that my hard work, sitting the taxi, rushing all the way to there, having the ups and downs, just to make it to you. was just worth it. But now I guess not. I am just clapping my hands myself. I want to believe so hard that you are trying to work things out between us. I really do. but then, now, you can see it yourself.

what have i not done to impress you? just tell me the word, I'll make it up for you. just one more chance was it so hard to give to me? at least one more try between us? Just once, all I'm asking for once more. for you once to listen to me. once more only. just once...:(

"The Dream I would never forget"

It may sound so perverted mind that I have, but that is what i got on my dream.

But to me, Its so sad, pain, miserable and heartbreaking.

A unforgetable dream ever.

I would never forget the dream that I had. It was a night, having my dinner alone at a bar. Some city which i was in. Kinda crowded, I was alone.

Then came that "A", my love of my life, walking in with another perverted person, "Z". "A" was like a personal assistant look in the attire. With the same short skirt that she has, Brown clothes and just a normal specs. Looked so pretty.

But then, the "Z" knew that I was in love with "A" and both of us was like looking at each other, with a distance. That eyes, looked sad but loving eyes, were staring at me. I was then staring at them having their some sort of date dinner. But i knew that it was like being forced or something.

Then "Z" started to shout and scold at "A". All of the sudden, it became so violent. "Z" started to slap her, beat her and even kicked her once. I stepped out from my table and quickly rushed to the table and tried to stop. "Z" was like a boss to "A", where "A" isn't supposed to do anything else but listen and follow.

"A" stopped me. Slapped me once using her right hand. Scolded me for being too busy body. But as the tears rolled down, I know she was helping me and covering my back from being hit. But as her tears rolled, she scolded me that we aren't together anymore, cant be together anymore and would needed that "Z"'s help for some reason. He was like a doctor, but a witch doctor. He laughed and smile as she shouted and scolded me. Even I said he wasn't supposed to treat her like that, but she didnt listen and slapped me once more. The love was there, just that she didnt want to show it.

I was so helpless. I cant even help her. "Z" knew that as well and started to force her into his arms. Started rapidly kissing her as she tries to force away from him. I tried to rush back, she just shouted at me that don’t come any closer and don’t try anything to stop him. Let him do anything that he would want on her.

I could only stare and cry at my table. I couldn’t do anything at all. Like strapped up on the chair miserably cant move as my love was being raped. As “Z” knew I couldn’t do anything at all, “Z” started to rape her on the table. Grasped her hands on the table and started tearing up her clothes and being to rape her. I could bearly watched the whole scene. I could only hear her screams of being forced and her cries with tears asking “STOP”.

The feeling was so hard to bear. Just only hear the screams of her life and not doing anything about gives my heart to pound so hard and hardly could breath. I cant breath all of the sudden. After “Z” had all his manners being done, “Z” just kicked her to the side and called her a whore. It was so pain. Until now, the feelings of me being at so much pain at are still here. My heart is so pain. I really couldn’t look.

As “A” stood up from where she was left at, the humiliation and pain, as everyone could only see and just couldn’t do anything. I just went over and covered her with my jacket. I couldn’t stop my tears to fall, cried so badly, so helpless. No words could ever explain that moment even up to now. “A” was in shocked state, having the moments like that, she couldn’t imagined that would happened. But I couldn’t do anything. I felt so pain and so bad of myself couldn’t do a small thing for her.

I banged my head on the wall, striking each time on the wall as my head starts to bleed. I could have stopped banging my head on the wall. Punching every strength that my fists have on the wall as my head banged on the wall. That pain was so indescribable and until now, It was so pain. =( so much pain even worst pain that my wrist was cut deeply. I felt like dying at that very moment.

Maybe was the dream, but i’m very sure that the pain had woke me up. I didnt want the dream to come to me like that. I never even thought of it. but the feelings was so much real. its not about the incident. Its bout me on that feeling. The feeling was so pain until I could barely breath. I really banged my head on the wall once. My tears bags just like got punctured. Tears and pain all over my body. The feeling became so real and so pain. I am so much in pain, quickly messaged “A”, but didn’t know I was treated like as she have scolded me and ignored me in reality. Add on pain. I know it was a dream, but that moment was so much pain. Adding on the pressure that I was having, I couldn’t sleep at all until now.

I am super tired, crazily sleepy but i just couldn’t sleep at all. I just don’t want this dream to happen to me once more. I love you, “A”. I love you very much even though you are not by my side, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt. The whole day, I was thinking only of you. That’s all I did. Then that dream, that moment, the incident in the dream.

With the dream and thinking of you, I could hardly concentrate today. I just couldn’t bear with that much pain going on in my life. Loving someone is already very hard. Moreover was by loving someone that the person told you there aren’t any more feelings on you. Add on was the distance between the relationship and the attitude that was replied on me.
I kept saying how pain was I is because I really thought of ending my life again. I couldn’t bear with the pain more. The moments of that, really needed “A” to be at my side, Hugging me telling me that it was a dream. At least the reply came, it said was a dream. But then, move on? With this feeling and dream just happened to me, move on to where? How am I supposed to move on with the feeling of dying wasn’t enough?
Its very pain. I tried cutting myself just to see how it bleeds, looking at the blood came out from my veins and skin. The thick red blood and pain was just little compared to the pain I’ve been through. Moving on? That’s why I say that its easier said that done. My love for you would never change. This I have proved to you even for so long period of time. I barely talk to you like usual. I barely hear your voice or your smiles. Only looking at the pictures that we had, the smiles on your face, was the happiest moment of my life. Simply because I know that I’m the one putting the smile on your face.

But now.. how am i to live without you?

I know now you might think that time would fade my love away. Let time decide for the fading process. But i can say that the time has not even scratched a bit of my love away for you. Not even close. In fact, the love has build more day by day creating the pain so much to bare with as well.

U should know, How much I have loved you. I know you have been ups and downs for it as well. Even you don’t mention about it, i know. I really do. I really know. Its no more “I want or I wish”, but it became “why don’t we?”

Why don’t we try to let the sad past on with our lives, live among the pain that has pasted and let us learned so much on both of us? The sadness that we have been through, leaves it in our hearts, and just learned from it? Try to be together again, simply just try. We have nothing to lose. Why not try to end the suffering between us and try to be happy with each other once more? A million “no” to me is just a number of tries. I wouldn’t want to find someone else to replace you. No one can replace you in my heart. Not even a bit or close. You are the love of my life and just you only.

I love you, I love you and ONLY you! Hmm..

I know there isn’t a chance for you to see this at all, I know you not seeing this, but just let here to be posted on my blog, so that I could remember this pain for the rest of my life. Given that a chance to begin again, I would also just choose you and you. Many would tell me how stupid am I when I read this back. But to me, even after years, coming back to this blog, I would never regret my decision being with you. I wouldn’t even think I’m stupid to write all of these. Even after so much things have past through. You are the love of my life and I mean it. After 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, or after my life, looking at this blog would just give me the feeling that once I have loved you and loved you always. My love would not just fade so easily. The depth of my love for you, is such so deep that I would never love again only for you.

Tears are falling down as I am typing all these with my shakey hands. Try once more with me, I wouldn’t make you mad or angry, I would try my best just to make you the happiest girl alive. Think of it. I wouldn’t do much things that you dislike anymore. I really wont. I am sincerely saying I’m sorry for all those things. I know I don’t deserve the second chance. I just would wish for your forgiveness and hope that we could be back once more. I really am.

I love you...=(

"Break Up Club"

This movie was so touching enough that I have decided to post on my own blog so that I would not forget about this movie.

The synopsis was beginning with a guy (played by Jaycee Chan) that was a part time worker, always on the mood for playing and did not bother about his very own future. Until one day, he meet with this girl, changed his life, touched his heart, and decided that they would be together. Jaycee was always much with his friend, Sunny and most of the time with the girl, named Flower, Ah Fa(Played by Fiona Sit). She came from a poor family which has her parents in the hospital due to Dad got stroke and Mum having difficulty of walking. Her younger brother is always being caught by police for drug and illegal social activity. Usually is her sis, Ah fa who bails him out.

Most of the time, the friend, Sunny which has the dream of being a director but always at the very last end, he quits the movie and never gets something done. Therefore, he would always ask Jaycee to help him with the videos of his.

One day, Sunny decided to make a role-playing movie, which shows a real life relationship story, asked Jaycee to pick up as the role of the male actor and video the life of him and his girlfriend, Ah fa. The ups and downs together of them brings so much happiness and touching moments. However, with the behavior of Jaycee playing a fool in his life and always in the part time job of his, he became too much to Ah Fa. Which Ah Fa, needs to clean up the house and work for the family and her own family.

Therefore, she must always work late and always not in a good mood due to Jaycee is always playing a fool and not helping always. creating arguments between both of them . Most of the time, she would be working under much stress and pressure until she just want to lie on him and have a good rest, but she wasnt able to, due to the arguments.

On her very job, at last she receives a project, an event that would need a graphic designer to perform in that event. The graphic designer played by a Japanese, (known as Lies) would need Ah fa to become his personal assistant. From days to weeks, from weeks to months, the project has begin from scratch to a perfect masterpiece. As the relationship as well, Jaycee and Ah Fa's relationship had gone bad to worst and Lies and Ah fa's relationship has gone from a normal date to a complicated lovely relationship. In the midst of the masterpiece, Lies has the feelings for Ah Fa and asks her to join him to pursue his dreams at Barcelona. But Ah fa cant decide on it and tells Jaycee that she is to go to Barcelona but she didnt say that she would be going to Barcelona with Lies.

With the hopes that Jaycee has, he took up more part time jobs, putting effort in everything and hopes that he could earn enough money for Ah fa, so that they could be better in the relationship and enjoy the life together. having his hopes and effort put to the max, he eventually pushes too hard on himself just to make the wish came true for Ah fa. But due to the arguments and quarrels last time, adding on with the working time of Ah fa, the relationship got cold all of the sudden.

One Day, Ah fa could not take it from the arguments from Jaycee and accidentally made a wrong mistake of her life, where she has made an intimate relationship with Lies under Jaycee's back. Therefore, from mysterious to suspicious, Jaycee could not take it, and went to the day's event, The grand event of the Lies's Masterpiece. He actually coincidentally caught Lies and Ah fa having close relationship whereby Lies kissed Ah fa on the forehead. Being so close, Jaycee asked AH Fa not to lie to him and tries to tell the truth. But instead, she still thinks its not the time to tell him, where jaycee was so upset and Lies came back out all of the sudden, Jaycee went berserk when Ah Fa tries to stop him and Lies is there. Lies tries to evade Jaycee's attacks and eventually Jaycee's Leg got injured when he accidentally hit one of the lamps and got his leg broken.

In the hospital, after a big plaster on Jaycee's Leg, Ah Fa decides to tell Jaycee that she would to follow Lies to pursue his dreams in Barcelona. Leaving the relationship once loved aside and follows Lies. The day has come, where she is leaving to Barcelona, she sents a message to Jaycee saying that she would be flying on 10pm. The time was 8.30pm. Jaycee with his big plaster on his foot, grabs two sticks and walks all the way down to taxi stand. With the pain and pressure on his leg, he still goes on to the airport wanting to sent her flight. As he reaches to the airport, since he has walked too much and using the two sticks as his weight to reduce the pressure and pain on his leg, one of the sticks broke and he had to still find for Ah fa.

At last, he has found Ah fa where she is bout to go pass the gate, she saw jaycee walking with the broken stick on his left and the blunt stick on his right. Broke into tears that he was able to come. He had shown that the leg of his was not even as important as compared to her. Therefore with the tears rolling on the both sides, she quickly jumped and hugged him. She had not lose a feeling for him ever since the day they met and he wasnt mad at her for being having intimate relationship with another guy. Forgives her as he dont want her to leave him.

There was a conversation during the time where both of them has, was being recorded, and sounds just like below:-

Ah Fa: Do you feel any difference of me today?
Jaycee: Hmm.. Today you are more beautiful than yesterday.
But during the conversation at the airport, Jaycee asked her back this time, which sounds just like this:-

Jaycee: Do you feel any difference of me today?
Ah Fa: I don’t know what is different of you today. (with her tears still rolling down)
Jaycee: Nothing is different of me today. Simply because my heart for you would never change and my love to you is never different.

Ah Fa broke into heavier tears and hugged him once more. Jaycee then gave her a video camera of both of them, having the happiness and sorrow together. They have been video cam all the time, showing the moments of them together of the discussions like, what were the conversations like, the happy moments, the naugai moments and the sad moments where they were always discussing. What was to happen, what was to become a quarrel and what was to be an argument became a discussion and they planned all moments to solve it. However, lately, it became very less of them discussing and more of arguments. After that, she still needs to go up to the plane that was about to depart. While Jaycee walked out from airport slowly.. He cried along the mid way going back home.

The main part was about Jaycee and Ah fa, Sunny comes at where? He was actually the main person to film the whole story between Jaycee and Ah fa. He decided to join forces with a media director and a famous script writer to record all the moments of them. All three of them had joined forces and decided to film the whole movie. After few months of editing, the movie is finally to show to the public. Jaycee was invited to watch back the whole movie.
But he mentioned that there are many things that weren’t shown on the video. Many things such as, Ah Fa didn’t manage to go to Barcelona simply because when she pasted the gates, she just stopped and cried, looking back at the pictures and videos that they have been through together. Having those moments was like the deepest memories of both of them together.
She was too sad to let go everything, the moments that they have, looking at Jaycee, she recalls that they have many things that couldn’t have let go that easily. The period of them together was short, but the moments were so real and meaningful. They have been arguing, shouting at each other and even showing faces to each other. This have brought them all the sadness and unhappiness simply because of the time spend became lesser and lesser. It has created so much of mess in their relationship.
In the end, she raced back out and hugged Jaycee, soon became back together, worked hard and then made to Barcelona together in the end. Moral of the story, they have been so much together, sees the problem in the relationship, believed that in each other that they could be together just by spending more time by just expressing to each other on how they felt and accepting each other’s feelings.
It has become a movie in the end. How touching where the moments of it, makes people cried while watching.

The movie clip is at the website, Breakup club.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1SAIqh3Pu0

Sleepless nights..

its been so long i have uploaded the blog..
guess no one reads it except myself..
today was a bad day for me...
having the bad things happened over and over again..

and then..
walking pass a bookstore during lunch time..
people's lunch was to eat and rest..
my lunch time for these times was to skip lunch and walk alone...
while walking..

i saw the past of me..
having the days...

although people has moved on..
asked me whether to move on..
but actually..
wats move on?

leaving everything that has past and walk the present?
that is just so wrong..
its to learn from past and try the best for the present..
that its should be...

but walking alone these weeks...
have been seeing myself of my past..
the shadows that i've been through was still there..
memories?

clueless..

being with the past shadows dont seem right...
but all i have now is memories..
i wish the memories to be reality again..
but..
no one would know what am i going through..

people can see my present and just my outer me..
but the sadness and sorrow..
just that the words cant explain the minimum of my sorrow..

days has past..
till weeks..
now.. months..
soon to be years..

the day is coming..
the day that my life changed..
but now.. the day has turned to be something that i wouldnt want at all..
never imagined that this day of mine turns out to be like this..
the sorrow and deep sadness cant be explained...
i am not good with words..
never did..
but these days.. walking the past of me..
brought me back so much memories..
having in my mind..
is just like playback from a video box..

but all i see now is shadow of the days..
its not a easy thing..
its never letting go that is the thing..
its just not a easy thing that i could bear with..
walking with the shadows of the past seems so unbearable..
its just not me now..

just like a deep cut that would never heal..
having this cut..
bleeding everyday..
just wont heal at all..
not even a bit..

everyday.. to the night..
hurts me so badly until i wish that i could end my life now..
the misery and pressure that i have faced..
not my work..
not my stress..
its the pain i am going through..
seems so not me..
until having sleepless nights..
till now..
not having to sleep more than an hour a day..
looking at things over and over in my own room..
the memories came once with the glance of the memories..
the days of my happiest moments..

i wish to be happy again..
bring happiness to everyone..
showing how sweet i could be..
showing how happy i was..

but now.. i din even want to bring anything to anyone..
just me sitting alone here..
praying and hoping that the day would be back..
its a hard thing..
but i'm hoping the best..
walking again the happiest days of my life again..

sleeping less and all those thinking of mine...
have just ruined my body..
the healing would never start..
but the sorrow and sadness just brings the worst of me..
having the moments until the sun rises..

everyday like this..
i have tried ending my life..
trying to end the sorrow i am having..
but it was bring much pain to my family..
asking and worrying of my health and much of it..

but this couldnt help much..
i care for my family..
but this couldnt end at all..
its not what i must do..
its what i should do..
there is always a but in everything..
cause everything seems to be linked...
linked until i cant breath for the moment..
passed out few hours and no one even notice..
having countless of faint moments..
blackouts..
total darkness..

but since no one seems to care..
no one seems to worry of me..
except me bringing the bad deeds..
everyone sees bad in me..
what did i do?
i am also a human with feelings..
and feelings i couldnt bear with it..
i dont want people to worry..
i just want people to care..
its just so simple..

but its just what i did..
which i din meant it was..
being brought to another reason..
and small misunderstandings happen..
till a big disaster..

all of the past..
sweet memories can be remembered..
past pain can be forgotten..
why didnt it was chose to be forgotten except keeping it in..
the pain beared and sorrow..
choose it to be kept aside and never brought up..

all of that was a past to me..
having the past walking in my mind and soul..
its something its not easy to bear..
dont mention of walking off and not think of it..
like everyone says..
Move On..

that word seems to be done easily..
like throwing the sweet memories that was being done..
into the sea and let it drown like no one business?
its not something that i would do..
cause the memories once made..
was always be there..

today went out to walked..
left half an hour..
walking the places over and over again..
sat on a taxi..
looking at the road that passed by..
not that i am looking for my work purpose..
just that i have spend enough to just take a glimpse of what was past..
never even wish or hope that would happen like that..
going to the places where were once happy moments..
till i past a alley..
which i will never forget..
the sadness and sorrows that had begun..
the pain and misery that was started..
and till now..
have not ended..
and the pain keeps getting more and more..

unbearable feeling..
emotional thoughts..
the pain hasnt ended..
and the wound has not healed a single bit..
just bleeding and bleeding..
i wonder when would the flow of my blood ends...
i guess it wouldnt..
such deep cut..
to the level that i couldnt even stop the blood even with the pressure..

just having sleepless nights is just not me..
i was a person sleeping everywhere i go..
used to have good dreams and sweet moments in the dreams..
but now having a good rest on my bed seems a very hard thing to be done with..
sleeping is just a word to me now..
resting is just another..
bad dreams is just normal for me..
nightmares is just often..
and sad and unwanted cases of dreams happening every moment when i close my eyes for the few hours..
the moments which i was having..
the sadness...
which always wakes me up with tears all over my swelling eyes..

people sees me that i have changed..
the days of me being a happy and sweet person..
turns to be a zombie-like human..
with all the sadness all over my face..

the dreams i had..
is just me that i did not even want it to happen..
i just wish for a good dream that happen..
but just then..
waking up with tears..
i knew i was in still the reality that i wouldnt even thought of happening..
seems to be a sickness in me..
soon i would just walk on my own..
to another world that i not known..
having the misery to be put to the end..
is just when i'll catch my last breath to the very end..

as now..
body swelling..
past wounds gets bigger..
and healing is just not happening...
i am just not me now..
it would just not end slowly at all..
it will just go on and on..
till the very last breath of mine..
until the day where i'll will have my long sleep..:(

its only u.. why make so simple to so complicated?

Well, this is the only place i can say what i can. no where else. everything i do, everything i say, everything i did, all seems to be nothing at all. nothing and dun really seems to even cared by you. all my mistakes would be remembered. all my good deeds would also turn to become bad. creating mess for you. making u tired and faint whenever you quarrel with me. and even worst.. I've caused you to stop talking to me?

have you ever wondered that there are some mistakes done by you as well? is there anything that you do is ever not wrong de? no lo.. not everything you do is correct de... i have my mistakes, my bad and my fault. sumtimes its not entirely mine. all you ever say i me that is at fault. purposely making you mad and suffer. what did i entirely do? i dun trust, i dun believe in you? purposely angry with you and purposely start every quarrel and turn and turn? no lo.. when there is a quarrel between us, i always think that what have i done wrong? what is my fault actually?

this is never to blame or anything. there is not always in my fault. what is the point i do so? is it fun? sorry, quarreling to me isnt fun.

have you ever wondered why am i at always jealousy? always thinking you are not chatting with me? always thinking of you?

jealousy starts because i care for you. i know your timings. i wish to be the first one that u would message me of. telling me what u did. what happened to you. what you have done for the day. dun be only reading my msgs and then do nothing of it. other than that, its not i check on you. there is nothing and no point for me to do so. Whatsapp has always the whole timing there. there is a counter there. i could see the timing u have online. dun tell me that it is not correct or anything. watsapp could be wrong sumtimes. but then all i see was u were online and there were nothing typed to me. there isnt anything from you to me. then u went offline. then online again. which i have gone through many times, thinking what is there a need for you to do that to me. what is that i have done that you would do this to me?

before i have met you, i always trusted you and thought that you are really very busy and at all times, you are just checking on your work and assignments and your exams. which i can really bare that. Yes, i have been asking you whether are you busy or anything. so that i wish you could tell me, yes. what are you busy of. or what are you actually doing. i wish that you could just tell me what you are actually doing. explain on what you did. just the brief on what on the things you are actually doing. is that so much to ask for? just a simple word, assignment is due soon, therefore you would need time to do so. like you have rushed the assignment of yours.

but after i met you, the trust you were always asking was there still. but until i saw the chattings you have on your phone. even going on another app, talkbox? means you have neglected me. no need to think much. if you are just so busy with your work, you could actually left the phone there. there isnt the controlling that you must talk with me. i dun mind if you are actually finding people to do your assignment or maybe friends to talk to. then you could tell me that you are actually on your assignment. but instead the picture of luffy. chattings with the other people. not only on a phone. but two at the same time. how could you concentrate all the work? and the thing is, i am like bothering you chatting with other people. if you have me in your heart and mind, this is a thing that you should not have been doing. Yes, i am no one to you right now, but then if there is the love that you have said you have to me, this should not be happening.

how busy am i, how tired am i, and how much time i have spend on my work, the first thing and first person to talk to, was u. it was everything on u. you are in my mind and the first one to go to. even after the last customer, i have told you first and never others. and then, i cont my work until late night. there is nothing that i would want to tell others of except you. because i also want you to know what am i doing and what i have been through for the day. but what i got was nothing. sometimes just a few words. and worst is sumtimes is just you cant help me and continue my work then. nothing much. this wasnt you at all. when i was tired and having so much stress, you could come over and comfort me with words. maybe i got so used to it. but now all i get is? you know what you have typed to me. Yes, you have spend time replying me. but there i dont really know what you are actually doing. when i ask, there isnt any reply for long. you are really rushing, i can understand. at least i tried to call you and ask.

Wonder all these at your end. i also wan you to share your days with me. bad or good. is that so much to ask of? even now, after your assignments. you have exams which you need to study. at least make an effort to just reply my msg? nothing lo. i have been so busy whole day. i would also make an effort to tell you things and reply you. i wouldnt stop you from fb and those. but the more i dun say anything of it, the more i see is your replies on the fb. means that the watsapps i have been sending to you was just nothing and being neglected. its not i am stopping you for anything. just think of it, its just so simple. if you can reply the fb on your phone, means the watsapp is? you think you have not neglected because on your end, you just think that you are just replying on the fb only and nothing much. but reality is you just been replying fb instead of me. and i know now if you have read this, you would be saying i am blaming you for the things you have not done and you are actually not like that and much more. but just think of it, if there is a time of me replying fb and not your watsapps, what would you think? its just the same thing. it was just few weeks ago before when i have just did it. same thing done. replying fb instead of me. so what you wan, i have done. i just expect the same thing.

you everytime also say i dun believe you, i dun trust u, i suspect you and purposely check on you. but truly.. if the things above you have not done and i am not even close being treated the same you want from me, so what can i do? just sit there still and continue to let you kept only saying me but yourself? just think on your end on this matter. i dun have anything to hate. this is not hate. i just expected the same way being treated as i have treated you the same. which you think i din do.

what you thought of me, everything is i purposely make you mad. but think of it. the problems and issues always come from your actions. its not from me. if you have done your part, i wont be having this issue with you. if i did, then i am at fault. just tell me you havent did all the above. sorry, you cant lo. cause you actually did it. no need all the assumptions made. i have the things you have said to me. you know the truth of yourself. no need i further elaborate. you know what you have done. but all the saying above is what you think you have done for me. but actually, at my end here, you din even try to.

everytime there is always i blame u. if you never ever did it, where is the thing for me to say it? i not blaming at all. i am not. and last time. i am not blaming. neva blame. i am just saying why are you doing this to me.

everytime i also get assumptions. suspecting. dun trust u. and all kinds of hurtful words. i did lo. u say i din. why? why is there me saying all these words back to you? just because i like to quarrel with u and purposely find all the issues and argue with you. just the only word. you din tell or made the effort to even tell.

like that day u have no electricity, i was so worried for the long time. thought that you have hurt yourself because you are busy packing and the lights are out. but then no reply at the moment. but you called me. you made the effort. i have seen that. but after that moment, you went yumcha. is there anything i said that hurt u? i just sent caring messages asking you drink more water. you meant so much to me. even for a second that you have not replying me, i felt so down and worried at you at the same time. simply because i am not there with you. i never knew what you are actually doing there. just that simple only. if you tell me, which i would never wanted it to be as soon as it happen u must tell me like reporting to me. i din have anything to do with it. but you have assumed on your end and turned it to hatred and blaming me for doing all the hurtful words which i din do. not a single thing.

for today, i didnt slept for the whole night. rolling on the bed and waiting for your message. i know the morning you are actually rushing and no time at all even you are in the car. i know that even at the afternoon till night, you are actually rushing up and down. i still gave u a message, asking you to get breakfast and others. but till night, i saw u online. dint even say a word to me. Yes, i have continued that you are treating me like a wind and i am talking to the wall and many more. Hurt you much. but in fact, you have also hurted me for the whole day. always after a quarrel, you are just walking off like that. you told me that you would forget the things that have past and easily forget everything. but days have pasted to weeks. now months. i dun see anything that you have said are true. you still kept it in your heart and now ignored me to the max. neglected the things i have told you last night. no need to fight or anything, just read and understand what i have felt. you could also write the same thing to me. then it would not have gone through again and again. and Yes, i am no one to you. no need to tell. see the point here? no need to tell. that is why. i have been considerate. when you dont reply, i just stood there waiting for your replies. why not try to tell me how you felt as well? it would not go on and on. one case solved. then wont happen. but you prefer to let it be. leaving the problem stays there. once we quarrel, that is why it came back out and never ending. because at the first place, it wasnt solved. its like a room, messy and messy, never cleaned up. continuously and constantly being so dirty until when you want to clean it, there are already stains, which are hard to take of. if you dun like it stained there so that it wouldnt come back, then find a way to clean it up. not leaving there. the stains wont just go by itself.

lastly, the post you have posted. which is the below tag line. its me or not, i dun mind at all. but all i can tell you is i am not a hater. i din hate for the things you do. i am just saying it. if you dun like it, you can solve it on your own. by giving in. after you give in by just telling, Yes, my impressions at first would be bad. such as you have chatted with sum1 and others. same impression i would have when i tell you i am actually talking to sum1 else except you. but after that, did i ever talked about it back? not a thing.

you and i have broke up. which i have regretted so much. that day, i would never forget the moment in the car. just a small matter turns out to be so bad made. i thought that giving you time to relax, you would be able to get it over as well. my mistakes wasnt like that extreme that i was never to be forgiven. for what i have done to you, i have said sorry and meant it so much. but what you did that what i have done to you, i just have a day to two, then i would be ok.

i said i have given you time. but the more time i have given for you to cool down and have time to think of it. the more time i given was to spend on the other things instead of thinking of it. exams, then assignments. dances to teachings. finding so much money now was the reason. when it was with me, the things were to be the same, and there are also money coming in already. is it you are making losses? i neva knew anything of it. then if there isnt losses last time and you would make profits already, why use the time i have given to use and find even more? just to buy a car? what kind of car are you actually expecting? and the car wont be a matter already if you are actually paying upfront. it wont be the same like me and i am not struggling to pay my car. except for the past few months, my salary isnt in. that is why i am struggling awhile. that was all. it isnt the same.

and the post,

Let the haters hate. They don't worth your time and effort.
Love the people that love you. They are the ones that worth ur time and effort. ♥

i am the person that loves you. am i a person not even worth your time and effort? is there an effort done? or is my efforts not done enough or properly done? i dun know if you dun tell. my efforts is it really not enough? is my efforts to be just leaving you with your friends and sees you from behind? seeing you happy then i would be happy? i actually am. this is what i am actually doing. seeing you from far away. which i also couldnt get to see your happy face. or laughter. or your smile. nothing at all. that is a reason why am i kept asking for your picture. for just a look at your smile, which that day you ate the meal. it was a happy moment for me. that was already enough. when you say i dun come, even you are at college, i wouldnt come. i waited for the green light from you. i really missed the two moments. Mcdonalds and the cafe at solaris, that moment i wish it would never have ended. you were actually doing work and then hugging me and hiding in my arms. that moment really calms me so much. really.. i didnt mind all the pictures sent or messages of yours coming in. cause i know you are mine. but time passes, i am sorry for the words i sent you. i thought you would have told me even if i wouldnt ask. and i know if i have asked, then the matters like this would happen. i am sorry for asking. it seems i dun trust you. but really, if there isnt the trust from me, i would have just walked away. but i didnt.

if you want to clear of your mind on the issue yesterday, so i gave you time. give you even more until now, that i am actually sitting here alone myself typing this long line in my blog. i dun even know you would actually see this or not. as you are only the reader. no one actually knew this blog of mine. but i gave you time, there isnt a message saying you needed more time to even think of the matter or time to solve the issue. just that, i see u fb and post this. busy on what i wouldnt know. what is being done on your end, i would have not know for sure. i wish to know, but i know my wish wouldnt come true. not all wish of mine would come true although it is achievable.

have a good night. i rest my case. i hope you do the same. hmm..

I dun know what is wrong with you

Yes, as this title. I dun really know what is wrong with you. I had a bad morning. Adi very late. got scolded. add on, your hurtful words in the morning. it has brought me a bad morning. A bad start, a bad day. i always tot you have my back. supporting on what i did. on what i do. i always think that when i let u know my bad day, i purposely share the things i have today. i think that i have been doing my part. telling you what i have been. Just for a shoe. i told you that my shoe broke. then I dun know what is to smile about. then you say u have your days that your shoe broke, shud i smile too? Is it all my bad things you have to smile for it? Dun it makes you think of yourself very fake to me? if not, sorry. but i do. no need to think or assume or anything. there is nothing for me to do so. cause you are making me feel like i am an idiot. go ahead. i am already an idiot to you right? right or wrong, you gave me that answer.

i have been telling you what i have done, where i go, and what i do. nothing have been better for me for today. and you are smiling. and you tell me that you r really smiling. smiling on my bad things. and when i replied, you tell me you are not faking it. cant change my mind and call me assuming. ok then. cont smiling on the bad deeds happening to me. you call me fix, as if i am the super guy. that knows how to fix everything. even the cobbler tells me it can be fixed but super exp until i can buy one. super glue can fix your boots. which part of your boot is broken? compare to mine. so if you dun know, did you even ask which part? nothing. din ask and only smile. the worst is you are smiling. which you are adi faking of it. no point to smile, but you did. I dun know what is wrong with you. this is a matter of sad. what is to smile about? if this aint fake. what is it? fake adi then tell me that i am assuming. if i assume that is. no point show me. keep back the real you and be fake. you are adi doing it, how can you keep yourself back when you have already kept the real you back? its like u have eaten and say you havent. then cont eat and you say no need to eat. so what is it you are actually saying? i dun know la. you want to faint, then faint la. cause i dun even know what is ur intention of doing so. the only thing i know from your actions if you said you are, means that you dun wan listen to my things anymore, dun wanna know of it, and kept it aside. right? ok. cont then.

you can dun read this at all. cause what i say is bad on myself, its a smiling matter to you. smile more then. smile then faint ok? i have purposely do all the things for you. thinking of time to spent with you. you told me that after your assignment and exams, you would find time for me. you would try and give me a part of your time. am i asking for 3nights again? 2nights? a night? no lo. nothing on it. i just would want to be last time i come and look for you. at least you have given me a part of your time. i am not asking for all. even now you have ended your assg and send it to be printed out, i dun really know what you are doing. there is nothing much for you to do anymore except your readings for your exams. which you always do it last min. dun tell me you are actually studying and everything. which i know you arent doing it. and btw, did you even tell me? yes, i am nobody to u. and u meant so much to me. is it i must do and you dun need to? so yes, i am the idiot now right? no need to wait for you right? wait also no use and wait also nothing de. dun mean anything to you except the stress i am giving right? what i did, what i do, what i give..

i aint expecting much of u. i din really wan all of your time. u need it, i give. and now, u telling me dun wait and everything. its so hurtful. when u purposely do sumthing for sum1, the sum1 tells you no need to, cause u are doing actually nothing. what u would feel? nothing? smile only? i really dun know what is wrong with you. i dun really wan this post to be posted in my blog. this is nothing to you at all. right? but this post mean so bad to me. i posted this because i wan you to know what i felt. no need to argue through the phone. i am so tired of arguing on this matter. on and on. keep on going and going. you tell me that i am going and going nonstop. i have given and accepted that we arent together. but what i wish is we get back together. and stop all the fighting. what is the need to fight? you have no time. i accept. at least i get sumthing like you would try your best for me of what i have done. i am not wanting any sympathy or anything else than your love. i dun wan all the bad things that made u sympathy of me then only get back with me. i wan you to know what am i doing for you and will do everything i could for u. i just wan the days of us not to be wasted. i dun wan only memories of the past. i wan for the present and future as well. dun you und anything from this line?

just let the past go. we have broke up. that was past. now head on the future. give me a chance for the present i have? dun you understand at all? i have put the past aside. why cant you? why are we still quarrelling? you say this and that i couldnt explain to u. at least i tried. the picture of the girl in my phone, is it real? really real? that is to just disturb my collegue. try and ask if you wan. there is nothing for me to hide. i disturb my colleague is because the girlfriend of his always plays with his phone. so if she checks out, she would be asking questions. just a disturbing matter. and the gf of his wont mind. thats what he said. we as in his colleagues are just playing. trying to see. thats all.

but your side. yes, u and your bros are into One Piece and everything. sending you pictures of luffy and everything. did you even try to explain why is he sending you pics? just because you both are into the movie? tell tat to a fren of yours, see what they would say. it is normal to you, but to me, you told me you wouldnt find him to chat and everything. i did my part. din even ask anything. call me to check your phone? what is the need of checking? cause later you would say i check on you and everything. this have been in my mind. he has been chasing after you and telling you stories of his past gf. who is he to go after and anything else. there wouldnt be a guy telling another girl chasing after another girl stories. i dun know la. later i got the words of assuming and everything saying i dun trust you and everything. i trust you. that you wont find him back to chat on. but you have even another chat box called the talk box. saying you have the right to download another app and why cant you find him chat. why is there a reason not to chat with him. i know him? i barely knew him. not like u did. if i am not jealous, then i am not a guy for this matter. even a normal guy seeing his love one chatting vf another guy would be jealous. why? its because this normal guy dun even know that his love one is doing. why is she doing so. if there is so many things to be said, at least share on the things that he have said. at least i know. so many secrets cannot be revealed? all also secrets? privacy? even i have all the privacy on others, all the secrets, i would have told you. i tell you everything. but what was the outcome? i am being the idiot telling you all lo. right? There is no outcome on you. its just you have explained on things which are on the brief. just so simple and nothing else. i am thinking too much? no.. its because you din even try to explain and take things so simple in life. if there isnt a reason to do, what is it for? dancing is so simple to you, why bother taking all the trouble for the exams and everything? so it means sumthing to you. it isnt simple always. if there is so easy, just a picture, msging you and everything, dont it have a reason? just to tell you? ya.. even your phone has msgs, which i am not to interfere. i din even get to know. hiding your way there with the msg when i was around. what is it to be kept there? try me la. msging in front of me. telling me what is it. controlling again and all that control.

there is nothing to control if you r willing to do it. there is nothing to be controlled of. even your smile, you have no outcome. just tell me its just let it be. smiled. what is to let it be? OMG.. it goes on and on. why? its because you are letting me think that you are doing it over and over it. what is me that is over and over? the matter is always coming from you. say what u wan on my blaming again. come on. think of it. everytime there is a matter, is always come from your actions. is it mine at first? like if the shoe there is nothing to be smiled of, why smile? no outcome. like if the msgs we shown at the first place, will there be jealousy after i asked? you dint show. no outcome. no point and need to show right? i am no one to you right? nothing at all. you always tell me, what i wan from people, firstly i must do. i did. i did my part, where is the part? did i ask for more? to you it might be. to me, nothing is on my side. i am not asking 100% back from you. at least 10-20%. but i dun really see it. i dun say, kept on cont and cont until it hurts me when i have to find out like this. i say, then say i hurt you badly and everything.

and now, sitting here alone. neva tired or fainted of what i would say. neva thinking of doing so. i would neva ever be tired explaining of what i did. i am not giving reasons, excuses or anything else. i just wan you to know i am not the kind of person. but what i get is i am always a blamer, accuser, thinking of nonsense and giving all stress and unhappiness to you. I am not. i am just like you. i wan to know. you want to know, i let you know. i wan to know, many obstacles and blaming dealt to me. when you wan from people, do what they actually wan. and i can dun do? i can dun tell? anything la. i told you since we were together. no need for me to repeat all over again.

Actually the whole thing keeps on going round and round neva stop cause you have been evading all the problems. letting it to be. if blaming, not trusting, suspecting, accusing and cont assuming is what you dun like of me, then your letting it to be, evading problems, and leaving mysteries to solve on their own.. is what i dun like of you. and say i cont doing, which you are also actually doing as well and neva stopping.. cont la. i have nothing else to say. if you wan to reply, you know the password and everything. if you dun wan, then its ok. no forcing done. no one is to read my blog except you.