haiz...

it has been a while since i updated my blog...
but i also know that there will not be anyone who reads it...
so, why bother?
however, i feel that its also a way to express my feelings...
other than shouting and other stuff...
to do so, i have been writting alot...
but not in blogs... but in papers and books... making a great book of misery...

i saw someone's msn says... how many ten years u have in ur life??... in chinese la..
but then... i feel that this word means a lot.... it makes someone to appreciate yourself and others around u...
there isnt many 10 years in one human's life...
this sentence is so beautiful until when i tend to appreciate everything i had with care and love..
furthermore, without any over doing it or less touching it...
so, it did changed my life... but not in a good way...
when i did the appreciating work...
i tend to have the people to leave me...
i tend to have people saying that i'm useless...
i tend to have people looking down on me...
the more i do, it makes me more like a crazy guy...
although most of them dint tell me, but i felt that way...
the more i do, the more i sacrifice... it means nothing to them...
it means disturbance to them... i dont even know whether that i was doing the right thing or not...
if i dont do anything, it means i dont appreciate...
if i do something, it means that i am a disturbance...
if i do it properly and nicely, i'm being ignored
DILEMMA!!

hmm... anyways... i also know that no one will ever read this... ( i repeat this once more because to express my true feelings to my blog... ITS BORING!!)

what should i do? what must be done by me?? what do u expect from me???
suffering every second,
pain every minute,
lonely by every hour,
misery every day
suffocating every week,
every month passes like my heart being stabbed by knifes and left there without taking it out...
tired of thinking bout it... (although i tried not to think bout it..) but it keeps coming back... i couldnt forget what has been done between and among us...
dying every second passes.........:(