Pay Back?

i read all the msgs that you have sent me...
i read all the things u told me...
i dun know your "feeling" ma rite?
u said i'll never understand rite?

what makes u think u know whether i understand or not?
what makes u think that i dun know?
how would u know?

its just i dun understand why are you doing like this..
why are you staying on this way?
think properly what have you said to me...

lets go one by one...

this afternoon, you told me that you will be with ur grandma...
then need to hold her hands...
and then walk her around...
i wasnt mad at u...
i wasnt emo to u...

that wasnt the problem...
the problem is...
i was to post your picture...
you said dun...
you said dun wan...
dun post lo!

that was my emo-ness start...
why dun i post?
why cant i post?
i respected you...
i din...

you kept saying like you never dint do any mistakes at all...
from the start...
i have my mistakes...
so did you...
did u ever think this way?
everytime we started an argument...
do you think that i'm the only one to be blamed?
i was only the one wrong?
now you must be thinking... i like to blame so much... i'm always complaining... blaming ups and down... kept blame blame blame...
am i really?

just an example...
today.. i emo... i call you to do your things 1st...
its my fault...
its like i pushed you away rite?
did i wan to pushed you at the 1st place?
think of this...
you were the one who told me...

"i'm walking lo... how i sms?huh? i got to c popo also ma.. "
if you were to see the popo...
really, i und your situation...
u mai help your popo 1st lo...

before that, you told me that later you going home.. only sms me...
i mai say when only you home.. sms me lo...
is that also wrong?
i might have said it like i pushed you away...
but i dint want to...
i wanted to talk with you all day all night...
dun u know what i was doing?
dun u know my intentions?
dun u know my wants?

you must be saying now...
u dun know what i want...
u dun know how to satisfy me..
u dun know what to do with me ma... rite?

i'm calm now... no angry or anything...
you know what i want from you de...

you want things from me...
i give you everything...
you want to know what am i doing...
i tell you everything in detail...
you want me to share everything to you...
i'll let u know everything in detail...

but why dint you let me know in detail?
why are you keeping everything away from me?
dun u think so?
no?

an example...
your frens.. up frens, down also frens... who are your frens?
when you are to tell me...
you did it like u r being forced to...
neva tell properly and in detail...
just a name.. and full stop..

think of this... did i tell you a name.. then full stop before?
he, name, then full stop?
thats what u did to me..
you might not feel it...
but thats what u did to me...

other than that, you added... if u dun believe, go my fb and check la...
see what i write la...
be... in my point of view... this is crazy... why?
how am i to see? when u kept deleting your comments... and everywhere?

you kept adding my frens... keep tracking me...
i like it... its not i dun...
but did u let me a chance to see what you wrote in fb?
u expect me how to check? or how am i to know?

ok... this is all bullshit adi... its past d...


then what bout today...??
i asked where r u heading to....
i took 3 to 4 messages of sending to u...
then only you told me...
then i asked where is it...
i took another 3 to 4 messages only i get the answer...

and now you wanna talk bout the past?
how i was too blur to answer your message?
how i didnt reply you properly??
are you trying to payback?

and btw, dint i learned to talk properly?
dint i learned the way to answer all your questions?
now you following me and ask me to c i can tahan myself or not?
and this is a payback rite? fine...

last time... u only took 2-3 messages to know my answer...
why?
its because i was really bz with sumthing.. and you expect me to answer you asap..
its because i was like doing sumthing, and then sumthing else came up... then i did the other thing...
and when i took only 2-3 messages... what you gave me? a smile?
and now u saying, i just took 3-4 messages to get your answer, getting frustrated?
what did you do during the past?
rmb or not? i think not...
let me recall your memory....
it was totally chaos... you were angry at me... ignoring my messages...
and worst of all.. dint even want to speak another word to me....
when u bout to reply... all the scoldings and angry fire came out...
scoldings and dissatisfaction...

and what did i do? i kept on asking only...
did i shouted? did i yell at u?
did i angry on you? did i scold you?
i kept on asking and asking...

this is not adi the 1st time...
it has been many times...
you dint reply my questions...
you dint even wan to talk properly...
all the things you've said... all are unclear...
did i get mad at u for all these?
is it a payback?? yes? i tot so....

and now you telling me... that u dint replied me nicely... not even a sorry...
did i do that last time?
and asked you 3 times... i get frustrated adi? be... this is not the 1st time adi...
i told u adi... it has been so many times...
oh just tell me straight... did i ever scolded you?

when i'm blur, u asked me so many times...
you dint say anything? really? is that true??
are you really positive on your words today??
do you think that you are really correct?

NO!!! you are not! now i'm not scolding or angry...
this is dissatisfaction!
when i'm blur... u asked so many times...
you scolded and angry at me...
you think bek urself...

asking me whether i want to frustrated you because you dint reply properly?
payback rite??

what i wan?
what i dint think 4 u?
whats the thing dat i think dat u wan but its not what u want?

its not i want to repeat all these...
you think and see...
is it always my fault??
is it always i'm to be blamed off?

i repeat myself... i'm not angry... i'm just dissatisfied with what u say...
am i get payback by you??

and now... to your "feeling"...

you told me not to think of it...
told me to be frens...
so dun need to think of it...
then if u say until that easy....

why dun you forget the past?
why cant you forget of all the past?
why cant you treat the past as an experience and memory instead of a nightmare?
kept on why why why why and why rite??

do you think if i'm to become frens with you...
i wont think all these??
maintain as frens?? no need me so san fu??
really? is that what you think??

i might be very sarcastic... why? is it really what you think on me is correct??
do you really think so?? no!! NO!! why NO!!?? its because you are wrong...
you are totally wrong on me...

why should i think when u will accept me bek?
why should i think so?
its because
i dun wan to be frens...
i dun wan kept on like this...
i know you are still in love of me...
i know that you still care...
i know that you still need me...
but why are you doin this way??

just because of my decision last time...??
read my previous blogs over again...
know why i said it? know why i made de decision?
one sentence..
its because you are pushing it too hard...
you never checked, then u scold, u angry, and u shoot...
and then u said now.. you're sorry...
one word sorry... then i forgive you...
because of this sorry... this incident...
i made the decision... and then you are strong on this decision of mine?
why did i make?
am i that soft?
cant take on the stress?
den i dun need to be with u?
u'll always be like this..?
and all sort of nonsense??!!

be, what you are bout to say... i adi know...
why? its because it kept going round and round and round...
why it'll never stop? because all are related... kept on round and round...
its kept repeating nonstop... over and over...

because i made the decision caused by your pushings and scoldings and shootings,
you want to be strong on the decision made?
you want make me regret for what i've said?
you want me to know when the decisions made... cannot change back?
thats what u want to hold against?
thats what u want to be strong and tough in?
just the decision i made...??
that you asked 2-3 times, no turning bek and all that things??
is it??
a payback for what i did?

i'm not blaming you for anything...
but if you did nt do what i mentioned just now...
it might be my fault...
and having the "feeling" of yours... its ok.. i und.. its totally my fault...

but now... its not.. u kept on pushing... scolding and shooting...
after 1 incident... next come the other one...
i dun even know what has happened...
you came raining arrows at me..
then you expect that i simply say we separate?
u think i'm easy on separate?
like a switch??
you think again la...
i'm not...
you think what has happened last time bek la..
then you said you are sorry for all the pushings and scoldings...
thats your fault...
my fault is... i simply made the decision...
rite?? am i correct??

because of your words... and your behaviour like this...
i have to say yes...
we were having faults and wrongs...
its not only me...
its not only what i do...
its also you as well..
its not to say now...
when i'm wrong... i drag you into the water as well..
but think bout it...
last time was this way...

and now... you wan to hold on to the decision that i've made??
you wan to stand hard on the decision i've made??

and read bek your messages...
i found out that.. you said...
i'll later emo when i dun know your answer on accepting me bek or not...
then if i emo, i'll say you got the feeling...
now on dun even touch you...
i will this dis and that.. why this and why that rite??

if you were me... would u have the same thing?
if i were to let you know that my feeling was just some past experiences that i couldnt let go....
why would u feel?
the worst part is most of the past experiences is not caused by me...
lose your man to a cousin?
lose your beloved man?
why u lose? its not your fault?
its that idiot's fault...

and please dun compare me with that idiot...
i'm not that idiot...
and why do we have the same conclusion?
its because the conclusion was just like a switch, on or off...

if you say it was the same... and you wan to compare him to me...
why does he has the 5 chances although he was with another girl?
even though he lied to you and dint even treat u what you wanted..
you know he was lying to you for another girl....
why still give him the chance??
and summore its 5 times??

i have nothing to lie to you...
i have nothing to keep a secret from you...
i have nothing to do with any girls...
i have no other relationships...
even i wasnt with you for that past few weeks...
i dint find any girls...
i dint find any new girls...
or anyone i havent seen much before...
i dint...

you treated me that i lied to you...
finding another girl behind your back?
jealous of my cousin calling me "gor gor"?
jealousy of me with other girls taking pictures?
erm.. HELO??
i dint mess with no girls...
i dint thought of any other girls except you...
i dint even try to...
taking pics and my cousin... i adi reduced..
even now.. i dun even talked to my cousin..
why? because i know you dun like...
i know you still care...

you asked me before...
other than that, who else you stop me from talking to...
there is... its just you dun recall...
what bout i refresh your mind...?

samantha? you dun like her talking to me..? like she is flirting or sum what... even she said sumthing that you dun like??

pit yee? too close to me? and everytime taking pics together?
oh... correct ma? but did i hug her? did i kiss her? even if you take pics with a guy... i dun mind... but u said... you cant take it... you cannot let "your guy" to take pics with other girls, except you... i dun even talk much to her adi...

and many more... i recall their names.. but i dun recall whats the case...
you know it urself...
you know the best...
not me...

you cant take it all the things... i seldom do adi...
you said last time, i dint acc u for breaky...
need to beg me for the breaky that u want...
need to make me come.. only i come...

why am i doing it now?
because i work?
because i want u bek then i do so?
NO! because i want you to know i've change...
because i want you to know i can change for you...
it just need time... thats all...

but now... u called me to become frens?
i dun know how you could do it...
but for me...
if i love that person so much... i wouldnt have her to become frens with me...
i love that person so much... i wouldnt have her to maintain as frens...
and the worst is...
you are still inlove with me...
unless you tell me you dun love me anymore...
unless you tell me you dun have any feelings for me anymore...
i would not bother you anymore...
just need the word...hmmm...

but now... its not ma rite?

and everytime i told you on your feeling... Your "feeling"...
did u think i made fun of it?
did i? if i did, i'm sorry... but i can tell you i didnt even made a smile to your feeling... its serious... what is there to be fun of?
its so serious matter... why do i need to make fun of?
fun? no! i dun make fun of serious things...


and all these top things that i've just written, hurts you?
really? what bout me? dun u think it hurts me too?
dun u think that i'm also in pain?
i dun know you are hurt too? i'm not trying to hurt u or anything..
if i dun say... i'm more in pain.. and you would never know it...
i know you are in pain...
i know you are hurt...

but frens? wouldnt that be more hurt for me?
always say bout you you and you...
ever think of me also?
your 'feeling'...
your experiences...
you dun wan happen again...
you dun wan to argue adi...

but what are you doing?
sitting there and hoping sumthing might happen?
what are you doing to prevent all these?
i started doing sumthing...
i tried not to argue so much...
then u said i frustrated easily? just u dint say things properly? really ma?
you think la...

after all these... why i suddenly emo?
its because u did sumthing wrong...
which u think u were rite...
am i always to be blamed? so nice to be blamed o?
and which u think that i've done it before.. why you cant do it?
its adi a mistake that both of us knew... why bother re-occuring it?
do u think we still wan arguments?
you just said you dun wan...

all your doings...
you said your "feelings", and its no joke to me.. not making fun of it or anything relates to it...
all your words...
all your msgs...
only gives me one conclusion now...
its a payback... RITE?
and this payback is because i've made the wrong decision of saying yes to separate in the relationship...
this payback is because u wanna stand so hard on the decision that i've made although u asked twice...
this is a payback because i never treated you good in the past... and everything ma rite?

i told you be4... many many times...
u r the best of all my gf i've ever dated...
although you r the 3rd one...
but you r the best gf i've ever had and i ever treated...
whatever u say... i tried my best to change...
i tried my best to find a solution for it...
wrong then do again... wrong then change...
then i made once wrong decision...
i'm trying to take it bek...
but u dun give...
u said once said... cant take bek...
its because u kept standing strong on the decision...
why cant you loosen up a little?
why?

Paybek? really a paybek.... :( i'm really very sad of this...
tired of this blog too...
i just hope the next time i post...
is a happy one..
no complains
no stress
no scoldings..
no more arguments...:(